Perv!!!!

That's all I think when I see this picture of John Travolting and his new pervy fumanchu-stache.

I know he's trying to macho up his image, but posing with Mickey Mouse really isn't gonna do that for ya. Try again.

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Look Out, Jenny Craig!

I've found a new weight loss plan! Don't call Jenny Craig or any of those bitches. Go to jail!

20-year-old Broderick Lloyd Laswell is in jail and has been for the past 8 months. When he went in, he said he weighed 413 pounds and is now 308 pounds. Instead of being grateful for losing some lard, he's suing the prison system claiming they are starving his ass.

From his complaint: "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again. If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight. The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death."

That's because you've never exercised before! Before jail, you probably sat your fat ass on your couch eating twinkies and watching Springer. What I want to know is who is he suspected of killing, because he's in the slammer for capital murder charges. Did he sit on a bitch and suffocate them?

The jail captain told The Morning News in Arkansas that they have only served cold meals for years, and they provide at least 3,000 calaries for years. Fat ass also wanted hot meals and claims the biscuits and cakes are too small.

Listen up, fatty. You are in JAIL. It's not a fucking Vegas buffet! I'm fairly certain you could stand to lose the 100-some-odd pounds. Just be thankful and STFU. Thanks.

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Leah Remini is a Dumbass

Leah Remini is a $cientologist. That alone makes her a dumbass, but there are other factors. She has a 4-year-old daughter who is still on the bottle. Yeah, and apparently she had NO IDEA this is a bad thing. Dumbass!

She invited Rachel Ray to film one of her shows to document her struggle in getting her daughter off the bottle. Stupid bitch doesn't even know that she should probably not tell people she's this retarded, but I digress.

Says Leah: "My daughter runs the house. The problem I'm having with bottle-feeding is basically that Sofia drinks six or more bottles a night. We're hearing that it's not good for her. In talking to our pediatrician, they almost fell off their chair when we said she's still on the bottle. So I'm thinking maybe it's not right."

Maybe?!?! Look, I'm a first time mother and I don't know everything, but I damn well know that a 4-year-old isn't supposed to be on the fucking bottle anymore. I'm weaning my kid off it right now and he's 11 months and it is HELL. I cannot imagine trying to wean a 4-year-old!

However, we're not supposed to judge Leah Remini for being a dumbass. She told NYDN: "They might have their kid off the bottle, but that kid still may be walking around with a pacifier in their mouth, which according to pediatricians is equally as bad."

Yeah anybody whose 4-year-old is still on a pacifer is dumb too! But at least they KNOW their kid isn't supposed to be on it, so really they're just lazy. I guess it could be worse, she could be letting Tom Cruise babysit or something.

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Disney's Gonna Crap Themselves Over This

That is a picture of Miley Syrus. She's posing for some pictures for a Vanity Fair article. In case you were wondering, Miley is 15-years-old. Now don't you feel like a perv?

Of course people flipped out so Miley's spokesbitches have issued a statement saying she intended the pictures to be "artistic." Ah, the A word!

She also said: “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Right. Anyways. After shitting their pants, Disney said: “Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines."

Anything to make sure the crazy Christian soccer moms still allow their daughters to watch Hannah Montana so they can hock their shit.

Apparently Miley's parents had left the set and her teacher and grandma were on hand when the picture above was taken. A source told People: "Miley's grandmother and her teacher were there when she shot it. Annie convinced them it was going to be artistic. Her parents are mortified. They know this is a learning moment for Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed. Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it."

Yeah if someone took a picture like that of my daughter, I would probably burn it, the negatives, and the dumb bitch who took it. That is creepy.

Seriously, what the hell? First Zoey 101 (Jamie-Lynn Spears) gets knocked up now Disney's #1 ho gets fake-naked for a photo shoot. My kids are stuck with Seasame Street and that's it. Elmo can't get preggo, can he?

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Beth is Back!!

Ah, Beth! She is fabulous. She is sophisticated. How I love her. Here she is gracing the world with her beautiful orange skin and white-blond hair.

As for Dog, what the hell? The mullet is nowhere near the height it once was. Being banished from A&E must've taken all the joy out of it. Either that or now they're a lot broker than they used to be so the fake hair had to go. Beats me, but he just doesn't look right without an extra foot of hair going to the heavens.

Anywho, this is them in Malibu yesterday.

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Hope They Reinforce the Furniture

The crazy midget is apparently not done with Oprah's couch. MSNBC's The Scoop is reporting that he's supposed to do the show in May to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the flick Risky Business. Several celebs are supposed to make appearances so it is promised to be an "A list affair." $cientology must have paid out the ass for this.

That being said, I'll probably watch this shit.

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Wesley Snipes Definately Going to Jail.

Miss Noxema Jackson was sentenced to jail for 3 years for tax evasion. There's some evasion this bitch gonna have to perform in jail, and it has fuck all to do with taxes.

Snipes got some famous friends to write letters in his defense to avoid jailtime, but when one of those friends is Woody Harrelson, the letter probably had more to do with birdies and brownies and twinkies since bitch was probably stoned at the time. Good plan, Wesley.

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Another Bitch in Rehab

Earlier this week, I posted about Richard Quest getting arrested in NYC with the sex toy in his boot, the drugs in his pocket, and the rope around his neck tied to his genitals. So to avoid jailtime, he's checking his ass into rehab.

CNN issued this statement: "At this time, CNN's primary concern is for his health and wellbeing. We look forward to Richard returning to CNN International."

Right now his bosses are ripping his desk apart to see what twisted shit he hid at work. His computer is totally toast too.

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Winehouse Going to Jail?

Amy Winehouse cried on the way to the police to be questioned for when she headbutted the dude the other night. If convicted, she could face up to 6 months in jail. A whole six months. Woo. Maybe it'd give her methface some time to fucking heal.

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Bam Maybe Did, Maybe Didn't Eff Some Chick

So the New York Post Page Six is claiming there's a sex tape involving Bam Margera and the fiance of Opie from the Opie and Anthony Radio Show and it was going to be sold by a disgruntled ex-employee of the radio show.

From the article: THE sex-mad "Opie & Anthony" radio show is facing its own carnal comeuppance. Gregg "Opie" Hughes is said to be livid over an X-rated romp starring his stunning blond fiancée, known by her first name, Lindsay, and MTV wildman Bam Margera. A disgruntled ex-employee of the radio duo recently acquired rights to the video from Margera and it's soon to be released on a pay-for-play Web site, reports Steppin' Out's Chaunce Hayden. "They're doing the nasty - and I mean nasty," Hayden says. Apparently, Opie is so distraught, he's banned the name 'Bam' from being mentioned on the show." Hayden says Lindsay was living in Philadelphia, Margera's stomping grounds, when she met him and made the tape "to gain some exposure."

However, this is all BS. After Opie got pissed and banned the word "bam" from the show, Margera phoned into the show and did an interview stating as such.

Says Bam: "I think it's nonsense... if I filmed it, I filmed it myself. I never even heard of those dudes."

Chaunce Hayden had now admitted he never saw a sex tape, and that it doesn't exist.

Most importantly, the idea of Bam Margera having sex with anyone icks me out. Dude looks like he hasn't seen a bottle of shampoo in about a decade. But I guess when you have a hot wife and a shit ton of money from Jackass movies, skateboard sponsor money and whatnot, you can look like Human Body Odor all you want.

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Model Father.

Pete Wentz is the freaking model for father of the year, right? Ugh.

Asslee Simpson was on Ellen Degeneres' show and once again danced around the preggo question, but still managed to be vague enough so she can keep cashing in on this rumor as much as possible.

According to People, Asslee says: "Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss. Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something? Because I don't think I do."

Dumb bitch, shut up.

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Day-um Part Two

Amy Winehouse was voted "ultimate heroine" by something called sky.com. They didn't say whether the bitches they polled were actually runaways at a methadone clinic who thought "heroine" meant a chick who did smack, but since they voted Pete Doherty as the second most popular hero, I'm assuming I'm right.

The crackheads even placed higher than Princess Diana. Some shrink told NME it was because "seems to portray a certain sense of vulnerability or having had to fight against some adversity in their lives." No it's because the people they polled are straight up dumbasses.

Also, to prove her title of "Ultimate Heroine" she decided to headbutt some guy outside a club. Her friends dragged her back inside, only for her to stumble outside and run straight into a lamp post.

Nice choice, sky.com. Thumbs up to you.

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Day-um!

This charming beast is Amy Winehouse and she makes Courtney Love look like a fucking amateur.

Last night she had a full evening. She went out, smoked a joint, bought a magazine, and ended the night by having to break into her house through the garage for good measure. And isn't she just a beauty? I know she makes me hot just looking at the methface and bat nest hair. Do me now.

Now please excuse me while I go vomit.

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Lynne Spears Does a Lot of Praying

Lynne Spears, the woman responsible for birthing both Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears spoke to Life & Style magazine about her daughters recently.

About Jamie Lynn: "I’m a bit disappointed that my youngest daughter got pregnant at such an early age. All I can do is turn to God for answers and just leave it in his hands. Jamie Lynn will be a wonderful mother She really has a way with children — she’s a natural nurturer. I just wish she had waited a bit.”

I was pretty fucking nurturing at 16, but that doesn't mean I would've been a good mother. Dumbass.

On Brit-Brit: "I pray for Britney every day to be a better mother. She’s gone through a lot of trauma, but she seems to be coming out of it — and it’s showing in her relationship with the boys. They’re really bonding. I think 2008 will be a better year for all of us."

Now we know why one daughter is a knocked up teenager and the other is a head case. Apparently all mom does is pray and leave shit up to God. Last time I checked, dude is pretty busy. Maybe you should pay attention to your damn kids once in a while, lady! Just a fucking thought!

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Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian Now

This news would be hot if this were about five years ago. But it's not. And Linds looks like a tired truck stop tranny.

Anywho, not only is she a lesbo, but she's an angry jealous lesbo. Don't touch her woman, Samantha Ronson! Who would want to?

Says Page Six: The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."

Ew. That is all.

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More Awesome

Holy crap this has made my day. Ben Folds covers this song with is just as awesome. But this an a capela group from UC Berkeley.

But it made my day so I'm sharing. Now get the fuck out after you're done.

Lohan Still Going Strong

Still no pictures because Blogger still sucks. Fix your shit!

Nevermind the fact that we've not seen Lindsay Lohan in a movie worth a shit in about eight fucking years. That doesn't stop her from dragging herself to every party in town and generally making herself a haggard hot mess.

Says The New York Daily News: Lindsay Lohan enjoyed a late night in Times Square Saturday night with her deejay pal Samantha Ronson. And a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.The starlet - who is supposed to be in Alcoholics Anonymous - turned up around midnight to promoter Joey Morrissey's Big Saturday party at Hawaiian Tropic Zone.At least two witnesses watched her consume vodka cocktails until she appeared to become drowsy and left at about 4 a.m."She was chain-smoking all night," says a spy. "Her eyes were a little glassy and she was holding her head in her hands, but she left on her own two feet."

Awesome. According to WWTDD she has three movies in pre-production. The best prospect is some garbage called Ye Olde Times. All right, that sounds like a public access documentary from hell. But hey, she can get completely faded on vodka and leave "on her own two feet." Go Lindsay!

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Oh Please Tell Me This is True!

Once again, no picture because Blogger is selective when it feels like fucking working.

My cold, black little heart is leaping with joy. Someone put up a Wikipedia page advertising a Vh1 reality show called I Love Money. Basically it's like Real World/Road Rules Challenge only with the assholes from Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and the best of the three: Rock of Love. The cast is to be:

Host: LaLa
Pumkin (Flavor of Love, Season 1)
Hoopz (Flavor of Love, Season 1)
Toasteee (Flavor of Love, 2)
Nibblz (Flavor of Love, Season 2)
Bootz (Flavor of Love, Season 2)
Sinceer (Flavor of Love, Season 3)
Thing 1 (Flavor of Love, Season 3)
Thing 2 (Flavor of Love, Season 3)
Chance (I Love New York, Season 1)
Real (I Love New York, Season 1)
Heat (I Love New York, Season 1)
12 Pack (I Love New York, Season 1)
Whiteboy (I Love New York, Season 1)
The Entertainer (I Love New York, Season 2)
Midget Mac (I Love New York, Season 2)
Heather (Rock of Love, Season 1)
Brandi C. (Rock of Love, Season 1)
Destiney (Rock of Love, Season 2)
Megan (Rock of Love, Season 2)
Kristy Joe (Rock of Love, Season 2)

Heather from season 1 Rock of Love will straight kill some bitches. I'm rooting for her already. This will be a masterpiece, mark my words, I'm all over this shit.

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This is Heather giving some season 2 bitch the beatdown she deserves. I posted this the other day, and thought I'd remind you again in case you doubt me when I say she will rule all.

This Sounds Stupid

God she looks like a plastic bitch in this picture, right?

So Parisite Hilton and her buddy Nicole Richie are dating the Madden brothers of band Good Charlotte. Parisite thinks they should get married in a double ceremony so they can rake in the cash on photo rights. Sounds about right for the herpes queen.

Says a source: “Paris is doing it all for attention, as usual. It’s a publicity stunt, just like everything else."

Well that's a big fat DUH right there.

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One's Crazy. One is Queen Bitch. Which One is Which??

Yeah I couldn't figure it out either.

Katie-Kate and the crazy midget showed up at a fundraiser of Madonna's so the crazy got to meet the bitch. Maddy defended the midget for some reason.

“I don't care if people worship turtles or frogs - if they're good people, that's all I care about, and he (Cruise) is a good person. I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think the orphans in Malawi get a raw deal; just as I think a lot of marginalized people get a raw deal."

Hey at least she got to plug her shit. Whatever works.

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Natalie Portman Gets Peed On

Wanna see Natalie Portman getting pissed on by a dog? Click here because Blogger is being a pain in my ass and won't let me post pictures AGAIN.

I know, the picture isn't as sexy as it sounds. I apologize. Now move along, pervert.

Freaking Awesome

This goofy looking bitch is Richard Quest from CNN. He got himself arrested in NYC's Central Park for being in the park past curfew and having some meth in his pocket, which he admitted to. What he didn't admit to was the sex toy in his boot and the rope with one end tied around his neck and the other tied around his genitals. He had an unidentified friend with him. And by "friend" they mean "master." I wonder what the sex toy was?

Says his lawyers: "Mr. Quest didn't realize that the park had a curfew. He was simply returning to his hotel with friends."

Ha. I don't know why, but this story has warmed my cold little heart.

Give This Woman a Medal!!!

Seriously! If I was a cop, I'd be shaking in my kevlar panties talking to Naomi Campbell. For real.

This is from the same airport Naomi threw a fit at and got her shit arrested. She waved, smiled, and paused for a photo op with this brave police officer.

Another Really Bad Idea

Parisite Hilton is to star in some reality show in Britian about a dog groomers' store. This is a bitch who had 17 dogs whom she used to keep locked up in closets where the poor rats starved to death. ( http://www.eonline.com/gossip/awful/blind/?uuid=3587202e-83b0-4dd1-9431-5f7006bb743a )

But yeah. This is definately a shitty idea.

Someone Call the British DFS Part Two

You know Madonna makes for damn sure she is plucked, tucked, and aired out so bitch always looks fabulous. Well, as fabulous as one can look when they look like a pickled zombie. Anyways, point is, why do all that shit to yourself to make you look decent and ignore your kid? Poor Lourdes has a unibrow from hell. Would it honestly cost that much to have that taken care of? Seriously!

Happy 2nd Birthday Suri! Now Run Like Hell!

God there's fuck-all to talk about today. Britney Spears needs to have another hissy fit or something.

Anyways, today is Suri Cruise's 2nd birthday. Poor thing lives in a house of crazy. I couldn't imagine having a depressed robot for a mother and a psycho gay midget for a dad. Can't wait until she grows up and we get the tell-all book that makes Mommy Dearest look like a fucking fairy tale.

This Bitch is Mental

Yale University senior art major Aliza Shvarts is out of her stupid head. Bitch is showing off her new art project next week. She artificially inseminated herself then induced miscarriages using drugs as often as possible for 9 months. Her project includes video of the miscarriages and preserved samples of blood. Nobody can say where her brain went, but it's fucking gone.

She claims she didn't do it for "shock value" and that the donors were annonymous and therefore not paid. If you care, more details are here: http://www.yaledailynews.com/articles/view/24513

I agree with people having the freedom to do whatever they want to their bodies and whatnot, but if you've never dealt with a miscarriage, it's brutal. Why the HELL would you purposely do that to yourself MULTIPLE TIMES???

This dude: http://newsbusters.org/blogs/warner-todd-huston/2008/04/17/yale-students-abortion-art-claim-scam

Thinks it was a big scam. I don't care. I think she's batshit insane, and that's it.

Papa Joe Simpson is Delusional

Apparently Papa Joe Perv has been shopping around to various magazines the exclusive rights to talk to daughter Ashlee about her pregnancy, and later the rights to the first pictures of the offspring. His asking price? One million dollars. The magazines were less than enthusiastic.

Page Six: The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it," our source said. Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million. One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album ['Bittersweet World'] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee's lucky she got pregnant, frankly." But even with the marriage announcement, "Joe has an unrealistic expectation of what Ashlee can command," the editor said."

"Lucky she got pregnant" eh? I'm getting a sicky ew ew feeling. I'm going to go pour bleach on my eyeballs now.

As Michael K Would Say...

"What the hell kind of GD outfit is this???"

Seriously.

This is Mary-Kate Olsen scaring children at a children's charity event in NYC. I know this shit is making me cry and I'm a hard bitch!

Madonna Knows How to Use a Vaccum Cleaner

Are you impressed? I know, me neither.

C. Love is Really Moving?!

This is Courtney Love with some British comedian and people are saying they're fucking, and they say they're not, but anyways he looks gay anyway so that's not what bugs me.

She says she's in England with Frances Bean to go house hunting to seriously move there. We lose the fantastic headcase train wreck that is C. Love, but all we get in return is gold-digger Heather Mills? Who the fuck do I write a letter to in order to fix this? What the fuck?!?

Riiiiiight....

Isn't Tito Ortiz still fucking Jenna Jamison? If so, he needs to bitch-slap her ass back into reality.

Seems she was on The View promoting her new film Zombie Strippers. And yes, that's really the title. And no, it's not bad porn. I actually watched about half of that charming preview before realizing that for one, it's supposed to be a serious action/horror/suspense flick. I also realized that the manic laughing I heard was my own.

Anywho. Jenna had this to say about this cinematic masterpiece: "There's a lot of political undertones against the Bush administration. And that's part of the reason why I did the movie. I kind of fancy myself a political girl."

Oh yeah. Seriously. I think she's fucked herself retarded.

Holy Huge Boobies, Batman!

Who the crap knew Susan Sarandon had hot boobies under her old lady sweaters? This picture is from her attending the premiere of the film The Life Before Her Eyes and all I can say is I hope my ta-tas are looking this good at her age. Damn!

All Homegirl Wanted Was the Employee Discount

27-year-old Jeremy McIntosh got arrested in Michigan after repeatedly running his car into a lingere store that wouldn't hire him. Cops say he was wearing "make-up, blue capri pants, red flip-flops, a flowery blouse and a flowery bra."

Seriously all he wanted was the discount. And you know not to cross a drag queen unless you're ready to get violent. Those bitches are crazy!

Can it Be? Did the Pills Wear Off???

Apparently the fog has lifted. Perhaps hell frooze over. I dunno, but this could be awesome.

Rumor has it that Katie-Kate was offered a role on Broadway in NYC, and she wants to move to Manhattan with daughter Suri and do a trial separation from psycho-midget-husband Tom Cruise. Oh, bitch is gonna get fiesty! And by "bitch" I mean Tom, of course.

Star reports: She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there's no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away," an insider tells Star. "There's no way he'll allow it. He just doesn't want Katie - or Suri - out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her." Further, the couple's tug of war over their daughter has intensified as of late. "Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri," says an insider. "He has a lot of rules, and there's conflict."

$3 million is just not enough to spend your entire life being controlled by a very angry short closted gay man. We're rooting for you, Katie! Run like hell, and get some bodyguards because those $cientologists are like the fucking mafia.

Another Robot Wife/Girlfriend/Whatever

Marilyn Manson must've figured that since Tom Cruise can get away with it, why not him? So he took his pretty little arm-candy girlfriend and began fashioning her to be a little Dita Von Teese clone. I guess maybe this one doesn't talk back? Because little Evan Rachel Wood is starting to have that vapid dead Katie-Kate-esque stare these days.

Evan Rachel Wood picture is from a movie screening in NYC. Dunno where the Dita picture is from, Michael K at DListed didn't elaborate.

Rupert Grint is Smart

British actor Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame recently made a very good observation regarding Lindsay Lohan.

Rupert tells The Sun:“I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, ‘But you can’t act’.”

Ha! Really there's no news here, the fact that she's a self-absorbed bitch is not a shocker. But it amused me. Get over it.

Another Knocked Up Ho

Over the last week or so, rumors have been floating around that Ashlee Simpson is knocked up. Her fiance, Pete Wentz pitched a faux-emo fit saying in part: “There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood...."

Then Ashlee went on MTV and bascially tap-danced around the question. But according to People magazine:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant and plans to get married next month at a private residence in Southern California, a source close to her family tells PEOPLE.Simpson, 23, is engaged to Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, 28, who initially blasted pregnancy rumors as a "witch hunt."But on Tuesday, Simpson, sidestepped the rumors during an interview with MTV after taping TRL in New York, saying simply, "Some things you want to keep personal."And now the source tells PEOPLE that not only is Simpson pregnant, but that she's planning to have her wedding in May at a friend's house in La Jolla, Calif., north of San Diego.

BUT a very reliable un-named source who reports to WWTDD.com states that they know for certain that Ashlee is VERY definately knocked up.

However I ask you: do you give a shit? Because I sure don't. Next!

Brangelina Kids Get Ice Cream for Breakfast

Well of course they do. Could you imagine saying no to Maddox? Me neither. They don't have a bedtime either, so they just run around the house screaming on a sugar high I guess.

Woo I'll bet that house is just a barrel of fun. Given I only have one kid, but at 10 months, if he's tired, he is hell on wheels. I couldn't imagine dealing with four young kids tired and cracked out on sugar. Oh I'll bet that's a party. That shit is making me tired just thinking about it.

Someone Call the British DFS!

Seriously any parent who would entrust their child to Amy Winehouse should be reported to Britan's version of the Division of Family Services. This is the same psycho who was afraid her coke habit was going to ruin her looks. (Seriously! http://www.dlisted.com/node/25223 )

Apparently she bitched at a friend, and according to the friend, immidiately fixed herself up by running to a bathroom to snort some more coke. "It's sad to see one of Britain's hottest talents kneeling on the floor of a bog and snorting drugs. She dabbed up the last few bits of powder, making sure she got every last bit, from the lid."

Yeah I'd totally use this ho as a babysitter. GOOD CHOICE.

Oh This Should be Interesting.

A few days ago I'd posted about Britney Spears shopping around the idea for a reality show featuring her. Turns out by "reality show" she means "video diaries." This could be entertaining.

Says The Mirror: (Britney) is threatening to release her video diaries, which record her problems over the past six months, on the internet or, worse, MTV.As well as rants about her family and friends, the singer reveals intimate information about her ex, Justin Timberlake, and her rivalry with Christina Aguilera."Britney's video diaries are the talk of the Tinseltown elite," we're told. "Her high-profile friends and exes - including Justin - knew what she was up to but assumed she was filming herself as a form of therapy. If she does decide to go public with the footage, it'll be explosive."Although some of it is really sad to watch - especially the parts where she's close to breakdown - others are dynamite. Not surprisingly both JT and Kevin Federline are terrified the material will end up all over the net.

Either this will be "explosive" or it'll be four hours of some fat, crazy has-been bowing to her Justin Timberlake shrine.

Time to Reprogram the Wife!

Apparently the Angry Midget is not approving of his robot wife, Katie-Kate's friendship with fellow robot, Posh Spice. Seems he thinks the reason that Katie-Kate is so skinny is because she's following Posh's advice and following some strict diet.

Because being depressed about being married to a psychotic weirdo has nothing at all to do with it. Whatever he'll reprogram her and give her a few new pills and all is right again.

Dumb Bitch

Heather Mills is under the illusion that we would welcome her here in the States. Dumb bitch we don't like gold-digging hos here either. Only place on earch she can go now is probably the fucking Sahara Desert or some shit. Although I'm sure a snake would bite her ass. She should move there, seriously.

A gold-digger says what? "In England, people don't like me. But I'm going to move to America, Los Angeles hopefully. I love England but everything that has happened makes me realize I'll be better off in the States."

We like her so much the trampy hos at the Miss USA pagent booed her ass. I hope she gets carjacked in LA.

Nothing Like a Bitch Beatdown to Make Monday a Little Easier to Take

This is two of the bitches off the second season of Rock of Love. I guess it's from the reunion show they do after the finale. I didn't watch the second season because I couldn't stomach watching a bunch of old strippers and Vegas hookers drinking themselves into stupors and vomiting on Bret Michael's crotch. So I skipped it out. However, watching these two tired old hags get pissy and the one of them completely delivered a beatdown on the other ho.

Seriously, someone call Dana White over at the UFC! If the hooker-gold-digger routine doesn't work out, she's got a future over there.

What the Hell Kinda GD Diet is This??

Seriously, it's the "cookie diet." And it is not as exciting as it sounds.

According to DListed: You eat one meal per day and that's dinner. You eat up to six cookies per day when you're feeling hungry. Six cookies plus one meal of chicken or fish equals 800 calories.

Whatever I eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting. So that's probably why I was bigger than Oprah at a buffet when I was pregnant.

The actual story here is that Madonna's husband Guy Richie (why hasn't he killed himself yet?) was on this diet and while he was, didn't wanna do the nasty with Maddy. He probably never does, and just used this diet as an excuse.

Says Vadge: "My husband went on that cookie diet and it was such a turn-off because he didn't want to have sex. He's not on it anymore, thank god! He did lose weight but he didn't really need to lose that much weight. I think he did it because all his friends were doing it and he wanted to see if he could do it."

Sex with Madonna must be like a nightmare. I'll bet dust bunnies fly out of her cooch.

Must Barf TV

Just imagine it. An entire TV show just like this picture. Watching Britney Spears pick belly button lint. And eating cheetos. And rearranging her shrine to Justin Timberlake. I know, exciting right?

Apparently her newly re-hired manager Larry Rudolph has been shopping around a reality show about Brit's oh-so-exciting life around to all the major networks. Somehow, I don't see this one getting picked up.

She believes a reality show is a no-brainer. She can be herself and not have to study lines…Several production companies are interested in a Britney reality show and are willing to pay her millions."..."Larry wants to get Britney back in the game and earning money."

Meaning, HE wants some money.

Yeah, it's easy, and there's no lines, but nobody's gonna watch something that fucking boring. Maybe ten years ago, but now? Not so much.

I see Britney in about ten years like this bitch I saw on Intervention once...laying on the patio in her backyard, drunk, screaming "WHERE ARE MAH BAAAAYYYBEEEES???" at the sky. THAT would be a good reality show.

Here we go, fuzzy, but you get the point:

Chestica's Feeling Left Out

God forbid anybody talk about Asslee. Big-Boobs-McGee herself gets her vagina in a twist. She has to make some sort of statement.

On Asslee's engagement to Pete Weeniez: "My sister is overflowing with joy," says Ashlee's older sibling, Jessica Simpson. "Pete is an incredible soul. They naturally bring out the best in each other. I couldn't be happier."

What she means by that is HEY! LOOKIT ME! I'M DATING A FOOTBALL PLAYER! WOO! OVER HERE! MY CAREER IS SHOT I NEED ALL THE ATTENTION I CAN GET!

Ahem. Anyways. Picture is of her and aforementioned boyfriend.

When Will This Bitch Shut Up??!?!

Sorry there's no picture, but Blogger is being a bastard today. This is my surprised face.

Anyway. Heather Mills has given her first interview since her divorce settlement where she won millions of dollars that were earned probably while she was still in fucking diapers.

So of course she used the time to attack Paul McCartney on GMT in Britian.

Bitch says: "I think he's got three different girlfriends. So I wish all the girls the best of luck. Better them than me."

They'd better hide. Something tells me she's gonna hobble her one leg to their houses and stand outside at night screaming like a banshee.

She also didn't seem to feel too badly about dumping the glass of water on Paul's divorce attorney's head. "Mrs. Shackleton said something under her breath, so I cleansed and baptized her. I thought she looked fantastic – I thought it did her a world of good."

Ugh. Bitch is in Vegas where she's to judge the Miss USA pagent. If any of those chicks do their talent routine to a Beatles song, they're fucked.

King & Queen of Stupid Asses

19-year-old Joseph Manzanares was arrested for showing up at his girlfriend's work at a video store and threatening to kill her. As he left, he knocked some displays over too. He was later arrested at his home in Commerce City, CO.

Seems the pair had been arguing all day. What were they arguing about? Who left the toilet paper roll empty? No. Whose turn it was to do the dishes? No. What fucking color the sky is? Hell no. The girlfriend admitted to the cops that they had been arguing about which gang their 4-year-old son should join. Seriously. She was black, so she was rooting for the Crips while Joseph was aruging for the Westside Ballers Gang.

I'm serious. People like this are allowed to reproduce. They are responsible for ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. This is scary shit. I'm sending my kid to school with pepperspray. Seriously.

Some Things Never Change

Yes, just like the sky being blue, Tom Cruise being an angry closeted midget, and my ass skinny and pasty pale, some things never change. Another thing that doesn't change is Courtney Love, Queen of the Train Wrecks herself.

This was her leaving some club in London with a bag full of pills. Bitch is a walking CVS. I know a few people who are looking at this photo and salvating. The ho over at DListed squinted hard enough at one of the bottles and saw "Adderall." Bitch, please. Queen Train Wreck shits Adderall. I'm sure she's got some wicked horse tranquilizers in there.

What I really want to [not] know is what the fuck is that yellow shit on her finger???

Song About Parisite Hilton's Snatch

For real I couldn't have said it any better.

John Travolta, Your Flame is Showing.

So Travolta took his 8-year-old daughter to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. And sang along to every single song. Not the daughter, John Travolting. Says his spokeswhore: "His daughter loves the show, so he knows it well." Right.

Afterwards, he and his daughter got to go backstage, where Johnny screeched and wet himself over the costumes. Says a source: "He was touching all the costumes, he looked amazed. He said he was way, way into the show. He stayed backstage for a while." They threw him out for humping the Ursula costume. Hee. Not really, but I can imagine it and it's freaking hilarious.

No Weirdo Names for the New Gwen/Gavin Offspring

Which is okay I think. Weirdo names are overrated. Just because nobody's gonna tease Apple or Suri doesn't mean it isn't gonna be hell when it's time to explain why you're named after a fruit or when it's time to spell.

Gavin Rossdale was on Ryan Gaycrest's radio show and had this to say about he and Gwen's forthcoming child: “We don’t know [the baby’s gender]. It was a surprise last time so we’re kind of working on that this time. There are some [names] floating around the house, bouncing around the walls.”

Fuck that. When I was pregnant, we wanted to know. Being surprised is also overrated. How the hell do you buy shit? There's only so much green and yellow onesies you can buy and what fun is a unisex nursery? Oh well, I'm not rich so I don't get it I guess.

Gavin went on to say not to expect any odd names because “Kingston set a pretty intense standard!”

As celebrity baby names go, Kingston is pretty tame, I'd say.

Asslee Simpson News

I know it's been a while since I talked about the other Simpson ho, so here goes. Bitch is marrying Pete Wentz. I seriously cannot see that name without remembering those horrible cameraphone pictures of him playing with his little Wentz. Ew! Nightmares!

Anyways, Asslee made a statement: We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."

Papa Joe Perv pulled his face out of Chestica's ass long enough to say "Ashlee who?" Heh. Not really.

From DListed: Papa Joe confirmed to People and said he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family."

Pete was paid. I guess bitch has an album coming out. Timing folks! I didn't even know she was still singing. I thought all the 12-year-olds worshipped Myley Syrus now. I guess I'm out of the fucking loop, I dunno.

They're Fucking Insane.

Last time I checked, you do not mess with Chuck Norris. I'm fairly certain he would make a large cheese grater, and shred your ass.

However, nobody told two teenage boys from Pennsauken High School in New Jersey that. They were arrested after a teacher found a hit list they made. On the list, they had 3 students, a staff member, and Sir Chuck himself. What the fuck? What'd they have against Chuck Norris? Did nobody tell them the man has his own frigging website talking about how bitchin' he is. That makes you cool. ( http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ )

Some bits I liked from the site:

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

You get the picture. In short, kids are fucking stupid.

Parisite is in Lust.

So if you give a shit, Parisite Hilton is screwing Benji Madden, one of the bitches in the band Good Charlotte. I guess he must be blind to her herpes or some shit because she's declaring her undying love for the ho.

From People Magazine and WWTDD.com: "I've never felt so happy and in love," she declared in a post on her MySpace Celebrity blog Tuesday. "He's such an amazing guy and life has never been better."For the past month the hotel heiress, 27, has been touring – hitting Europe and Africa – with Madden and his band, Good Charlotte."It's so much fun going to their shows every night, I now know every song by heart," Hilton wrote. "All the guys in the band are so cool and sweet and it's been such an amazing and memorable experience."

God I cannot imagine what her vagina must look like. I wonder if she always keeps the bedroom dark because most normal men would run screaming horror-flick-style. "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT! IT HAD PUSS AND TEETH!"

Okay I have no idea.

Naomi Campbell is a Classy Bitch

If you recall, Naomi Campbell got her ass arrested for pitching a bitchfit at an airport when one of her bags was misplaced. The Sun is reporting that she shouted racial slurs at the officers, calling one policewoman a "white slag" and some of the other officers "white honkeys." Later, in a continuing show of class on her part, she moaned to a friend that she only got arrested because she was black.

Oh yeah, your screaming hissy fit had fucking nothing to do with it AT ALL.

Of course her spokeswhores deny all because “This doesn’t sound like anything she would say.”

Riiiight.

Get The Hell Over It, Already!

Rosie O'Donnell was on Martha Stewart's show the other day and apparently her fat ass isn't over getting dumped by The View.

Says RoRo the Enormous: “There was people there telling me what to do. There was a little Republican who scared me.”

To you, Rosie, everyone is little. I'm sure the little republican was more scared than you. She was afraid you were going to eat her.

Also, she thinks she should be the face of mental illness. She said on Good Morning, America: "I sort of feel Britney has become the poster child (for mental illness). The kid is very young. She never had a childhood. She never rode a Big Wheel. Rather than put her face on mental illness, or Brooke Shields, who had postpartum depression, use me."

Apparently she's never looked in a mirror and realized her fat ass would scare even the craziest of crazies. Dumb ho needs to shut up and go buy some Doc Martens.

Damn there's nothing to talk about today! Someone go poke Tom Cruise with a stick or some shit! Maybe he'll sue somebody else and I'll have something to bitch about.