Amy Winehouse is Not Dying

So she hasn't got emphysema even though that's what her dumbass father was rambling about yesterday. She's got SIGNS of the disease, and if she doesn't quit drugs and ciggs she's going to GET the disease. Whatever. Her dad is still an idiot and here's what he told BBC Radio:

"Amy really hasn't got emphysema, there's traces of emphysema. Obviously, if she doesn't quit smoking, it's going to get worse, like everyone else ... with patience her lungs will recover completely."

According to Mitch, she's not any more predisposed to the diesease than anyone else. Nevermind the fact she does more crack in a day than Whitney Houston did in a year! She's fine. Someone told her to go to rehab, and she said no, no, no.

Fucking idiots.

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Linda Hogan is that Special Kind of Stupid You Only Hear About...

So Linda has an order of protection against soon-to-be-ex-husband, the Orange Crusader, Hulk Hogan himself. He shows up at her house. She dials 911, he leaves. What does she do?

Linda: He’s been ordered away because he’s threatened my life before and I don’t want him around I’m shaking, I’m following him until he leaves.
911: Okay, you said he left, or he is leaving?
Linda: Yeah he left, I’m following him right now.
911: Why are you following him?
Linda: I don’t know
911: Stop following him!

That's right, you get in your car and follow him! Nevermind the fact that you claim he's made threats against your life and you're afraid of him. Follow his ass!

Okay to recap here: Queen Nicky is a heartless remorseless pussy who put his "best friend" into a vegetative state. Then daddy, Hulk, not only makes threats at Mom, but says the "best friend" who is in the vegetative state, had it coming because he is a "negative person." Besides the fact that mom is a flaming moron, she is also dating 19-year-olds. No wonder the daughter's show is called Brooke Knows Best. She is a flipping moron, but next to these other dumbasses, she looks like a frigging genious!

Why are people this dumb allowed on television?

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Mark Wahlberg is Going to Hell

In his wanderings to promote that new movie The Happening that he stars in, he has commited blasphemy. Nevermind the fact that rumor is this new flick sucks a fat ass, he has the nerve to talk shit on cinematic history: the glory that is the Ocean's 11 movies. Which star George Clooney and Angie's man slave, Brad Pitt.

Anywho, here goes: Is it true you turned down the chance to be in the Ocean's films?
Yeah - and it was well worth it! The second one sucked! People tell George Clooney it's great, but we all know it sucked. I made two bad movies instead - Planet Of The Apes and The Truth About Charlie - but doing that was better than sitting with Brad and George, telling the press how great everybody is! "We were in Europe, George was funny, then we had some wine..." - that's not for me. I do love those guys, but I had to step out on my own.

So, you turned down a chance to be in a GOOD MOVIE that made money, and you justify it by saying you starred in two shitty bombs instead? I'm missing the point on how "that was better." I'd rather watch Ocean's 12 any damn day of the week than Planet of the Apes or that other movie I've never heard of. George and Brad have bigger nuts in their turds than Mark Wahlberg anyways.

P.S. Is it just me or does M. Night Shamalamadingdong look sorta scary in real life???

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Spike Lee Responds. Meh.

Spike Lee talked to ABC News about the little bitchfight he started with Clint Eastwood. In a true, mature, adult fashion, he started out with this little tidbit:

"First of all, the man is not my father and we're not on a plantation either."

Oh BURN! More:

"He's a great director. He makes his films, I make my films. The thing about it though, I didn't personally attack him. And a comment like 'a guy like that should shut his face' -- come on Clint, come on. He sounds like an angry old man right there."

Not just any angry old man. He's Dirty Harry and don't you forget it. Anywho, on we go:

"If he wishes, I could assemble African-American men who fought at Iwo Jima and I'd like him to tell these guys that what they did was insignificant and they did not exist. I'm not making this up. I know history. I'm a student of history. And I know the history of Hollywood and its omission of the one million African-American men and women who contributed to WWII. Not everything was John Wayne, baby."

Yeah and Spike is STILL missing the point. The flick was about the guys who raised the flag. They were all white. That's not being racist, that's just what happened. Anywho, in closing:

"In his vision of Iwo Jima, Negro soldiers did not exist. Simple as that. I have a different version."

Good for you. There's your version, and what really freaking happened. God he's annoying and I'm over it. Clint just needs to pistol-whip him and get it over with.

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Clint Eastwood to Spike Lee: Shut the Eff Up!

Yeah I don't care how old Clint Eastwood is. I don't think it's a good idea to piss the man off. I think he could still whoop your ass then say something clever.

However, nobody told Spike Lee that. But we're talking about a dude who sued the channel called Spike TV because he thought people would like the channel would have something to do with him. Riiiight.

Dumbass! Anyways he's bitching because Eastwood didn't cast any black people in Flags of Our Fathers which is set in WWII. Y'know, when the military was still segregated.

Lee: There were many African-Americans who survived that war and who were upset at Clint for not having one [in the films]. That was his version: the negro soldier did not exist. I have a different version."..."Clint Eastwood made two films about Iwo Jima that ran for more than four hours total, and there was not one Negro actor on the screen," Lee said. "If you reporters had any balls you'd ask him why. There's no way I know why he did that ... But I know it was pointed out to him and that he could have changed it. It's not like he didn't know."

Well that's nice. But Mr. Eastwood has something for ya: In typically outspoken language, Eastwood justified his choice of actors, saying that those black troops who did take part in the battle as part of a munitions company didn't raise the flag. The battle is known by the image of US marines raising the American flag on Mount Suribachi. "The story is Flags of Our Fathers, the famous flag-raising picture, and they didn't do that. If I go ahead and put an African-American actor in there, people'd go: 'This guy's lost his mind.' I mean, it's not accurate." Referring to Lee, he added: "A guy like him should shut his face."..Defending the racial make-up in his films as historically accurate, Eastwood referred to another of his films, Changeling, which was set in Los Angeles before the city had a large group of African-Americans. "What are you going to do, you going to tell a fuckin' story about that?" he said. "Make it look like a commercial for an equal opportunity player? I'm not in that game. I'm playing it the way I read it historically, and that's the way it is. When I do a movie and it's 90% black, like Bird, then I use 90% black people. "He was complaining when I did Bird (the 1988 biopic of Charlie Parker). Why would a white guy be doing that? I was the only guy who made it, that's why. He could have gone ahead and made it. Instead he was making something else."

Who do you think won?

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Pete Wentzy is Sooooo Romantic

Know what Pete Wentzy got his bride-to-be for a wedding present? A giant bee made of Legos. Seriously. And she liked it, I guess. These two dumbasses were made for each other.

According to Splash News Online: Pete commissioned artist Nathan Sawaya to make the "Lego Bee" which measures 26ins by 47ins by 36ins and is made from about 18,000 standard Lego bricks. New York based Nathan said: "I was commissioned to create a bee. Why a bee? Because it is romantic of course. "In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow and arrows, and the bow string is made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world the bee symbolized the soul because they migrated in swarms. And the Roman god of love, Cupid, is often pictured with bees or being stung. "I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift.

Whatever. I still say these douches are retarded.

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See? Everything IS Bigger in Texas!

This chick is a 28-year-old wife and mother from Houston whose main ambition in life is to have the biggest ta-tas in the entire world. 'Cause you gotta have goals.

Sheyla Hershey currently has FFF size boobs and she holds the record in Brazil for biggest ever. She wants to be the biggest in the world. She says: “I want to look better each day, every day. Everybody’s got a dream inside, you know? And, it’s good when you can make your dream come true.”

Yeah that's exactly what Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. had in mind when he gave his speech in D.C.

Anywho, the state of Texas is impeding on her dreams. They apparently have a limit as to how much silicone they'll put in a human boob. One health professional advised she undergo a psychological evaulation before having any more surgery done in case she has an addiction. But that bitch works for Fox News and we all know how unbiased those assholes are. Don't let them ruin your dream, Sheyla! Keep on going until those chi-chis explode and kill everyone within a 5 mile radius! Or you just collapse from the topweight and are confined to a wheelchair, whichever comes first.

Sheyla will be following the dream to Brazil, where she will be able to have the surgery done. I wonder what ZZZ would look like. Probably just a giant tit with legs.

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Chestica is Still Feeling Left Out

In a rumor certainly started by Boobs herself, apparently her and her football guy are "engaged." She was at some party at P. Diddy's house and some shit happened, and now there's a rumor.

Without her Dallas Cowboy boyfriend Tony Romo to keep her in check, Simpson cracked the whip on the arm of pal Zach Braff until the wee hours. Her former assistant CaCee Cobb and Cobb's "Scrubs" beau Donald Faison toasted to a great night and (interestingly) Jessica's "happiness." "I have never felt better," the blonde bombshell was heard telling the close-knit group, adding that she was "just so excited." Jess was toasting with a glass of champagne, so we're assuming she isn't "expecting"...but could an engagement ring be en route?"

Yeah I have no idea how toasting to her "happiness" means she roped a dumbass into marrying her. All I know is God forbid her sister have any limelight, no matter how annoying they both are.

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Look Out, Jenny Craig!

I've found a new weight loss plan! Don't call Jenny Craig or any of those bitches. Go to jail!

20-year-old Broderick Lloyd Laswell is in jail and has been for the past 8 months. When he went in, he said he weighed 413 pounds and is now 308 pounds. Instead of being grateful for losing some lard, he's suing the prison system claiming they are starving his ass.

From his complaint: "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again. If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight. The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death."

That's because you've never exercised before! Before jail, you probably sat your fat ass on your couch eating twinkies and watching Springer. What I want to know is who is he suspected of killing, because he's in the slammer for capital murder charges. Did he sit on a bitch and suffocate them?

The jail captain told The Morning News in Arkansas that they have only served cold meals for years, and they provide at least 3,000 calaries for years. Fat ass also wanted hot meals and claims the biscuits and cakes are too small.

Listen up, fatty. You are in JAIL. It's not a fucking Vegas buffet! I'm fairly certain you could stand to lose the 100-some-odd pounds. Just be thankful and STFU. Thanks.

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Leah Remini is a Dumbass

Leah Remini is a $cientologist. That alone makes her a dumbass, but there are other factors. She has a 4-year-old daughter who is still on the bottle. Yeah, and apparently she had NO IDEA this is a bad thing. Dumbass!

She invited Rachel Ray to film one of her shows to document her struggle in getting her daughter off the bottle. Stupid bitch doesn't even know that she should probably not tell people she's this retarded, but I digress.

Says Leah: "My daughter runs the house. The problem I'm having with bottle-feeding is basically that Sofia drinks six or more bottles a night. We're hearing that it's not good for her. In talking to our pediatrician, they almost fell off their chair when we said she's still on the bottle. So I'm thinking maybe it's not right."

Maybe?!?! Look, I'm a first time mother and I don't know everything, but I damn well know that a 4-year-old isn't supposed to be on the fucking bottle anymore. I'm weaning my kid off it right now and he's 11 months and it is HELL. I cannot imagine trying to wean a 4-year-old!

However, we're not supposed to judge Leah Remini for being a dumbass. She told NYDN: "They might have their kid off the bottle, but that kid still may be walking around with a pacifier in their mouth, which according to pediatricians is equally as bad."

Yeah anybody whose 4-year-old is still on a pacifer is dumb too! But at least they KNOW their kid isn't supposed to be on it, so really they're just lazy. I guess it could be worse, she could be letting Tom Cruise babysit or something.

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Day-um Part Two

Amy Winehouse was voted "ultimate heroine" by something called sky.com. They didn't say whether the bitches they polled were actually runaways at a methadone clinic who thought "heroine" meant a chick who did smack, but since they voted Pete Doherty as the second most popular hero, I'm assuming I'm right.

The crackheads even placed higher than Princess Diana. Some shrink told NME it was because "seems to portray a certain sense of vulnerability or having had to fight against some adversity in their lives." No it's because the people they polled are straight up dumbasses.

Also, to prove her title of "Ultimate Heroine" she decided to headbutt some guy outside a club. Her friends dragged her back inside, only for her to stumble outside and run straight into a lamp post.

Nice choice, sky.com. Thumbs up to you.

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Kim Mathers Isn't Too Smart

So let's say you are Kim Mathers. You used to be married to Eminem. Once, he wrote a song about how he put his girlfriend in the trunk of his car and him and his daughter merrily go to drive the car off into a body of water somewhere. He had "Die Kim Die" tattooed on his body. We're not talking about someone peaceful and sweet here. So yeah, you're Kim, and you're talking to a Detroit radio station and you're asked about your ex, and you know all this, how do you respond?

"I can't stand him. He's an absolutely horrible person, and he gets worse every day. I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him or I hear his name. There's nothing left in me for him. Nothing at all."

And then you go on to talk about your sex life:

"(Its) bad …he's not very well endowed … If you're going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work."

And if that's not enough to pretty much seal your fate, tell another news source (Detroit News) that he doesn't care about his daughter:

"Since he left the house in February (2006), I don't know what he's doing. His visits are few and far between, and when he does come around, it's nothing positive." (He is) always yelling and complaining about something." She said Hailie consistently asks, " 'Why's dad acting so weird?' That's what they say every day."

Oh yeah I see bad things for her in the future. She is not the brightest bulb.