Random Acts of Crap

Snoop Dogg's wife arrested for DUI. - The Superficial

Kanye West is still an asshole. Good to know some things never change! - DListed

Kid Rock is dehydrated. And by "dehydrated" they mean "hungover." - DListed

More proof of Tom Cruise's insanity. - Celebitchy

Mischa Barton's nipples. - IDLYITW

M. Night Shamalamadingdong's new movie sucks and he meant for it to suck. Riiight. - DListed

Random Acts of Crap

Naomi Campbell says she was not drunk. Riiiight. - Hollywood Rag

Charlize Theron loves her boobies. - Egotastic

Mike Meyers is amused by Justin Timberlake's peen. Ew. - Hollywood Rag

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer take their shit public. - DListed

Katherine Heigl and Her Giant Ego

Apparently someone thinks they are the next Julia fucking Roberts so she passed up the opportunity to win another Emmy for her role on Grey's Anatomy. Her reasoning is that the writers for the show suck. Suprisingly enough, you piss off the writers, they piss back.

From Entertainment Weekly: “The show bent over backwards to accommodate her film schedule, and then she criticizes the show for lack of material? It's an ungrateful slap in the face to the very writers responsible for her Emmy win in the first place.”

Apparently the rumor is that her master plan is to piss them all off enough so she gets fired and is free to cash in on movie-making glory. Nevermind the fact that she is NOT Julia Roberts in any regard, and if she gets a reputation for throwing such shit fits then nobody is going to hire her ass.

I agree with Michael K. Fire the bitch and let her see how well she does. I'd give her a year before everyone's like "Katherine who?"

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Edward Norton is a Pissy Bitch

I've heard this before that Edward Norton is hell to work with. But apparently he had some spat with Marvel and Universal regarding money. He just finished the Incredible Hulk flick that's come out and is now refusing to do any promotion for it.

According to Fox News: ...Norton fell out with Marvel and Universal and declined to do much publicity. This left the bulk of it to co-star Liv Tyler. Interestingly, Norton is not signed to do the typical two sequels to this "Hulk," although Tyler is and so, I'm told, is director Louis Leterrier. The reason for Norton holding out is likely a money issue....Universal is using Robert Downey Jr.'s surprise appearance in "Hulk" as Tony Stark aka Iron Man in their TV commercials. Downey's presence was supposed to be a big twist at the end...But I guess that Marvel and Universal want to capitalize on "Iron Man"'s huge box office."

Anywho. This fuck is lucky he's talented. The bitchfit currently being thrown by that see-you-next-tuesday Katherine Heigl is pretty much sealing the deal that nobody will work with her ass again. If Norton wasn't a cheesy TV actor, he'd be toast. Although this could hurt him as well. Big-time movie making companies don't like it much when their star refuses to do things that will make them more money. That sorta pisses them off.

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Angelina Likes to Keep it Simple

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie talks about all kinds of things. I decided to point one quote out. She was asked how she introduces Brad Pitt since they aren't married. Her answer:

"We have that problem all the time. I say ''partner'' sometimes. ''Father of my children'' is too long. But half the time people refer to us as, ''So, your wife this, your husband that.'' We've stopped correcting everybody. It's not a big intentional thing not to marry."

What the hell? Just say "He's my man-slave." We all know this anyways.

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Take a Good Look at Dr. Drew - Because This Could be the Last You See of Him Too

No he didn't piss off Madonna. Just the crazy closeted midget and his crazy $cientology buddies.

Playboy interviewed Dr. Drew for next month's issue, and there's a mention of Tommy Boy.

"A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that's a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect."

And because he just CAN'T STAND IT when people talk about him in any fashion, he had his lawyer bitch make this statement to Page Six: "This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels."

I hope by "unqualified television performer" he means "board-certified internist and addiction medicine specialist who teaches at USC." Also if I remember correctly, and apparently I do, Tom suffered abuse and bullying as a child, among other issues. So the fact that Dr. Drew was right (as usual) doesn't come into the "statement" at all. Someone's just pissy that a psychologist got it right on the nose!

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This is Why Drugs Are Bad

This amazing bit of hair hell is Amy Winehouse, of course. If that shit gets any bigger, rats are gonna start making families in there. As it stands, I do not want to know what the fuck she keeps in there. Probably Pete Doherty. Bitch needed somewhere to hide and they're pals.

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Waitaminute....I Can Have a Real Unicorn??

So does that mean I can be Angelina's personal assitant and foot washer now like I wished for yesterday? Woo! LA here I come!

Seriously though, this is a baby deer born in Tuscany with a single horn growing out of his head. Said a scientist type: "This is a demonstration that the fabled unicorn, which we all know from icons and legends, probably was not just a fantasy. It was probably an animal like this one, with a natural anomaly."

God has answered my prayers. I'm to be a slave to the Dame Goddess after all. Its a sign!

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Take a Good Look at Madonna's Brother - Because This is the Last Time You'll See This Bitch Alive

Seriously. She's gonna put a hit out on his ass.

Years ago, Maddy and her brother Christopher Ciccone were close. He designed a lot of shit for her. I remember seeing him on the Truth or Dare flick my now ex-friend made me watch about 90 million times while I was friends with that fake bitch.

Well they had a falling-out because Guy Ritchie doesn't like the gays. Why the fuck he married a gay icon, I don't know. Seems a bad choice to me. Probably why they're divorcing! In case you don't know, Chris is the gay brother in the family. There's also an alcoholic and a jealous sister. Don't ask me how I know, I suffered for many years.

Well Christopher has written a tell-all book on the down-low so Madge wouldn't find out. It's due out next month, and I am SO getting it.

According to Page Six: "It's extremely graphic and devastating. He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it."

"Graphic and devastating?" I'm salvating already. And I can hear my ex-friend whining now. "Oh he's just jealous! None of it is true!" It's the same tired old shit he sang when Andrew Morton's book came out and said things he didn't like about his idol. Barf.

That being said, I'm all over this.

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Another Dumb Bitch

I don't watch her show, because watching a bunch of stupid bitches fight over a fake bi chick doesn't entertain me. But apparently this MySpace Whore turned Reality TV Whore thinks she is responsible for making gay marriage legal in California. Someone buy this ho a clue.

Tia Tequila said to Us Magazine: "It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Gays everywhere are laughing their asses off at this dumb cow. Seriously, how does someone this dumb function? Oh yeah, that's what assistants are for.

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Random Acts of Crap

White trash whores have a job now! Seriously, who hired these tired bitches for Kid Rock? - DListed

Brooke Hogan not happy about her mother dating the 19-year-old - The Superficial

Katherine Heigl too good for the Emmys. Who said you'd get one anyway, bitch? - IDLYITW

Good God Will He STFU Already?!?!!

Nevermind the fact that dumbass needs to fire whoever let him leave the house with a bandana the same shade of putrid orange as his leather ass, I'm talking about Hulk Hogan's pathetic excuse for damage control again. The deapths of my dislike for these assholes knows no bounds.

In case you missed the show or don't care to wade through the bullshit, I thought I'd quote a few gems from the transcript at CNN.com as further proof that these people are wastes of skin.

H. HOGAN: Well, my gosh, if you rewind back to the original sentence from the judge, the judge sentenced Nick to eight months minimum security. And from the moment he was sentenced, he walked out of jail. And we were all thinking he would be in minimum security for eight months.

They took him straight to the mental part -- the mental ward of the hospital and put him in a very small padded cell. And from that padded cell, we worked all through that weekend -- because it was on a Friday, waited until the next week and we thought were having him moved to a better spot, but they moved him to a maximum security area, where most of the prisoners were altogether in cell with pods, and 10 or 15 prisoners per pod that they had the use of a phone and they could see a TV.

But Nick was moved to maximum security, but at the end of the hallway in a solitary confinement, so -- which is usually used for punishing hardened criminals.

Before anybody feels sorry for Queen Nicky, all this was because this was an adult's prison he was sentenced to, and he won't be 18 for several months and they were going to keep him in solitary until then for his own protection. Not that its going to get any safer when he's of age, but oh well.

KING: How did the drag racing occur, though?

H. HOGAN: Well, he precision drives. That's what he was doing for his career, the drifting situation. But, you know, the drag racing, we've got -- as far as the situation legally, we've got witnesses that say there was not drag racing. We've got one...

"Precision drives?" What the fuck. Call it what you like, but driving a car super-fast on city streets with the intention of getting somewhere faster than another douchebag driving fast on a city street is called DRAG RACING. ILLEGAL fucking drag racing at that. Shut the fuck up, Hulk.

Next!

HOGAN: In my mind, I believe they were not drag racing.

And in my mind, I have a pet unicorn and I am a personal assitant and nanny to Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie and personal footwasher since she's the size of a city and probably hasn't seen her feet since early in her second trimester. What's your point?

Stupid asses.

From taped phone conversation in regards to some reality show they wanna do:

HOGAN: Yes. OK, you want to do it with Pink Sneakers or you want to do it with someone else.
N. HOGAN: I want to do it where I will make the most money.

On Larry King:

HOGAN: I just wish that someone would play the two hours before, or the hour after, and please put everything into proper context.

How would the context change? What else could "I want to do it where I will make the most money" mean? Pretty fucking straight forward to me.

HOGAN: Like I said, this is in God's hand. Things happen for a reason. This is to make Nick a better person. In my belief, this is to make John a better person. It is like I said before, you know, it is god's will where we're at with this situation. I refuse to accept any negativity, any nay sayers. I firmly believe there is a plan. It is god's plan and god's will.

Because having part of your head gone and being in a semi-concious state will certainly make you "a better person."

These people have no soul. It is my belief that karma is a bitch, and she's gonna serve a pretty good smack-down on all these whores when the time comes.

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This Cannot be a Good Idea....

Mel "Sugar Tits" Gibson has been counseling Britney Spears. I do not see good things happening from this.

They've already been on vacation together, and apparently yesterday got together for another sesh.

From People: For more than two-and-a-half hours, the singer, 26, and the actor-filmmaker, 52, met in what was confirmed to PEOPLE as a more of an ongoing guidance session than a business pow-wow.

They met at some hoity toity cigar lounge place. Because that's the most private place for counseling. If that's what you wanna call what they're doing. Ew. Where's Daddy Spears? Why hasn't he stepped in on this yet?

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Random Acts of Crap

Hello Photoshop! Pics of Lezzy Lohan looking more hot and less like a truck stop tranny - The Superficial

Tom Hanks is a hero. - IDLYITW

Ashlee Simpson-Wentzy's preggo boobies. - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Jessica Alba's baby pictures. - CityRag

George Clooney does not like fake tits. - DListed

Madonna and Guy Ritchie deny they are divorcing. Just ignore the fact that they have both seen big-time lawyers. - In Case You Didn't Know

Hulk Hogan: "I Was Under a Lot of Pressure..."

Shut the hell up you orange bastard. Admit you raised two spoiled, nasty, idiot, orange children.

This is Daddy Hogan on Larry King Live with his mouthpiece lawyer whining about how the taped phone conversations between Queen Nicky and his mommy and daddy were released to the public. He tries claiming that the statements he himself made stating John Graziano basically got what he deserved were "taken out of context." What the fuck? In case anybody forgot, John is a supposed "friend" to the Hogan family who is now in a semi-comatose state and MISSING PART OF HIS HEAD because Queen Nicky got faded and raced his penis-replacement sports car and wrecked it with John as his passenger. According to Queen Nicky, John is a "negative person."

Hulk basically made the family look a million times worse. Good damage control! Way to be!

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Happy Birthday Hugh Laurie!

He plays the grumpiest bitch ever, Dr. Gregory House who is my idol. I want to be like House. A witty, gimped doctor with an attitude problem. That would be awesome.

But anywho, the actor, Hugh, is 49 today. Happy birthday!

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The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

That shit actually flows with the wind? I thought Donald Trump's hair was all glued carefully in place with superglue and shit. I dunno, but this is freaking me the hell out.

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This is One Dumb Bitch

This is Heidi Montag from that dumb show I don't watch called The Hills. She got herself stuck in an ATM booth and had to have the papparazzis help her get out. That's one dumb whore.

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Sam Ronson's Brother Approves

Mark Ronson, brother to Lezzy Lohan's snatch Samantha Ronson, approves of the lesbian lovers.

"My sister and Lindsay make a cute couple, don’t they?"

Lezzy and Samantha have not confirmed they are eating each other carpets, so I guess he's just starting shit. God they should just declare their love and get it over with.

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Halle Berry Used to Do the Sex With a New Kid?

Halle Berry used to do the nasty with Danny Wood of the New Kids on the Block? I had no idea. Her tastes have gotten better, I'd say.

That rat tail is just early 90's fabulous.

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Someone's Been Hitting the Crack Pipe. Besides Amy.

This other dude in the picture is one of the human beings responsible for Amy Winehouse. Its her dad, and I think he's a crackhead too. Apparently he thinks if Amy got knocked up and had a kid, that would fix everything.

"As for the drugs, she will get bored with them because the desire for children will take over. Amy knows that if she and Blake are going to have kids then she has to be in perfect health. I honestly think that in two years she will be fit, healthy and having babies - motherhood will be her drug."

This shit bugs me. You don't have a kid to "fix" anything. A kid shouldn't have to come into the world with a job to do. And I don't know what planet this dude is on, but I don't see Amy dropping the crack just because the EPT test told her she was knocked up. And I would hate to see a baby that she birthed. It makes me sad thinking about it.

Whatever I'm not worried about it. In two years, she'll either still be a crackhead, or she'll be dead. There's no "healthy and having babies" if he's going to continue ignoring her problem instead of trying to get her help like a normal family would.

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Naomi Campbell is Crazy

Imagine Naomi Campbell pregnant. Bitch would murder somebody in about five minutes. But she is seriously saying she wants a kid. She recently had some sort of surgery that would now allow her to get knocked up and she wants to go for it.

“Now I can have a child I would like one. I’m even willing to have one without a father. I know that I am ready. I know that with a baby I would change, I’d calm down. With a child you cannot accept compromises. You have to give your full self."

Calm down? God it'd take more than a kid to calm this crazy ho down. I pity any child who has to live with her. Hopefully it comes out of the womb with a helmut to dodge flying Blackberry cell phones.

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Maddy's Not Screwing Around

So the rumors are making the rounds again that Madonna's getting ready to kick Guy Ritchie to the curb. They've been "growing apart." Blah. He's just boring her and not making her enough money. Supposedly she's hired Paul McCartney's divorce attorney, Nicholas Mostyn QC and went to see him in London ten days ago.

Also according to Holy Moly Maddy and Guy didn't sign a prenup. I'm calling shenanigans on that one. No effing way Madonna would marry any bitch without a prenup. Nobody gets near that cash.

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Oh This Should Kick Ass

Seriously, I'm watching this shit. The second season of Celebrity Rehab has started production. The cast has been released:

Jeff Conway (Are you shocked? I'm sure not. Wonder if his craptastic girlfriend is still around.)
Rodney King ("Can't we all just get along?" Yes, THAT Rodney.)
Nikki McKibbin (DListed says she's from American Idol so that must be why I don't know the bitch.)
Tawny Kitaen (80's video whore.)
Amber Smith (Who?)
Steven Adler (Guns N' Roses)
Sean Stewart (Son of Rod)
Gary Busey (THE Gary Busey? WOO!)

This is going to rock. Jeff Conway and Gary Busey detoxing in the same place. This should be reality gold. I cannot wait. I wish I had a DVR, I'd record this shit.

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Lindsay Lohan is Still a Lesbian

Y'know, in case you were wondering.

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Random Acts of Crap

Tori Spelling gives birth - The Superficial

The best prom ever. Seriously, why wasn't I invited? - Crunk + Disorderly

Brokeback Mountain the opera? Wow. - DListed

Kevin Spacey's a prissy bitch. - A Socialite's Life

Daddy Spears Trying to Bribe KFed

According to Star Magazine, Daddy Spears has been in talks to pay KFed to remarry Britney Spears. Because that worked so well the first time! No, it's because supposedly she's never been as happy as she was when they were married.

According to a source: “His latest offer is $4.5 million in cash and a trust account set up with another $5 million if Kevin moves back in with Britney within a year. If they actually remarry, Jamie will add another $5 million to Kevin’s account.”

However, KFed doesn't like this offer and demands $20 million and to not sign a prenup like he did the first time. Brit Brit doesn't know any of this shit is going on and if she did, I'm sure bitch would be offended. I don't care how nuts you are, this would piss you off.

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Fabulous Beth Takes the Mullet Out to Dinner

This is the glamorous Beth Chapman taking her mullet husband out to eat. Guess even bad hair gets hungry. As usual, she is beautiful and I worship at the throne of her chi-chis.

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Holy Crap!

This is Lisa Marie Presley and her husband. I knew she was preggo but damn!

She's giving hubby the stinkeye, isn't she? Wonder what he did. Probably hid the cheetos.

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This is Not the Type of Rape I Had in Mind

Statutory rape is boring. He'd enjoy that shit too much.

Anyways, Nick Hogan got a letter from some chick in Florida named Stephanie Ragusa, a teacher who is charged "with lewd or lascivious battery and unlawful sexual activity with a minor." She wanted to extend her support to Queen Nicky. And by "extend her support" she means "extend her hand to his pee pee."

From AP: The letter was intercepted by Pinellas County sheriff's deputies after they recognized Ragusa's name, the jail's return address and her docket number on the envelope, authorities said. Bollea, who is serving an eight-month sentence on a charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury, was later given a copy of the letter.Ragusa, 29, is facing charges of lewd or lascivious battery and unlawful sexual activity with a minor.

What's funny is they got the letter, checked it out, but still gave a copy to Queen Nicky. Ha! Don't know why I find that amusing, but I do.

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Random Acts of Crap

The reunion to end all reunions! - DListed

Jessica Alba gives birth - WWTDD

Burger King saved Robert Downey Jr. Nothing like giving credit where credit's due - DListed

Yet another condition of Tony Romo's contract with Papa Joe Simpson - I'm Not Obsessed

Someone hit Rupert Everett in the face with a brick already. Bitch won't shut the hell up - DListed

Spike Lee Responds. Meh.

Spike Lee talked to ABC News about the little bitchfight he started with Clint Eastwood. In a true, mature, adult fashion, he started out with this little tidbit:

"First of all, the man is not my father and we're not on a plantation either."

Oh BURN! More:

"He's a great director. He makes his films, I make my films. The thing about it though, I didn't personally attack him. And a comment like 'a guy like that should shut his face' -- come on Clint, come on. He sounds like an angry old man right there."

Not just any angry old man. He's Dirty Harry and don't you forget it. Anywho, on we go:

"If he wishes, I could assemble African-American men who fought at Iwo Jima and I'd like him to tell these guys that what they did was insignificant and they did not exist. I'm not making this up. I know history. I'm a student of history. And I know the history of Hollywood and its omission of the one million African-American men and women who contributed to WWII. Not everything was John Wayne, baby."

Yeah and Spike is STILL missing the point. The flick was about the guys who raised the flag. They were all white. That's not being racist, that's just what happened. Anywho, in closing:

"In his vision of Iwo Jima, Negro soldiers did not exist. Simple as that. I have a different version."

Good for you. There's your version, and what really freaking happened. God he's annoying and I'm over it. Clint just needs to pistol-whip him and get it over with.

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God Was Listening After All!

So as a "result of ongoing assessments of inmate situations" Queen Nicky Hogan got moved to a cell with other juviniles. Meaning: he has roommates! Let the butt-raping begin! Woo!

That bitch is really gonna cry now!

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Clint Eastwood to Spike Lee: Shut the Eff Up!

Yeah I don't care how old Clint Eastwood is. I don't think it's a good idea to piss the man off. I think he could still whoop your ass then say something clever.

However, nobody told Spike Lee that. But we're talking about a dude who sued the channel called Spike TV because he thought people would like the channel would have something to do with him. Riiiight.

Dumbass! Anyways he's bitching because Eastwood didn't cast any black people in Flags of Our Fathers which is set in WWII. Y'know, when the military was still segregated.

Lee: There were many African-Americans who survived that war and who were upset at Clint for not having one [in the films]. That was his version: the negro soldier did not exist. I have a different version."..."Clint Eastwood made two films about Iwo Jima that ran for more than four hours total, and there was not one Negro actor on the screen," Lee said. "If you reporters had any balls you'd ask him why. There's no way I know why he did that ... But I know it was pointed out to him and that he could have changed it. It's not like he didn't know."

Well that's nice. But Mr. Eastwood has something for ya: In typically outspoken language, Eastwood justified his choice of actors, saying that those black troops who did take part in the battle as part of a munitions company didn't raise the flag. The battle is known by the image of US marines raising the American flag on Mount Suribachi. "The story is Flags of Our Fathers, the famous flag-raising picture, and they didn't do that. If I go ahead and put an African-American actor in there, people'd go: 'This guy's lost his mind.' I mean, it's not accurate." Referring to Lee, he added: "A guy like him should shut his face."..Defending the racial make-up in his films as historically accurate, Eastwood referred to another of his films, Changeling, which was set in Los Angeles before the city had a large group of African-Americans. "What are you going to do, you going to tell a fuckin' story about that?" he said. "Make it look like a commercial for an equal opportunity player? I'm not in that game. I'm playing it the way I read it historically, and that's the way it is. When I do a movie and it's 90% black, like Bird, then I use 90% black people. "He was complaining when I did Bird (the 1988 biopic of Charlie Parker). Why would a white guy be doing that? I was the only guy who made it, that's why. He could have gone ahead and made it. Instead he was making something else."

Who do you think won?

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Random Acts of Crap

Shania Twain blogs about her divorce and broken heart - Celebitchy

Spokeswhore to Parisite Hilton denies pregnancy. I continue work on special utuerus-destroying disease in shape of chocolate penis - The Superficial

Rupert Everett is "bitchy old queen." 'Nuff said - IDLYITW

Bobby Brown's son claims to have nailed Lindsay Lesbian. Hell, before she starting surfing the tuna boat, most every male has. Why do you think she's a lesbo now? She's done all the men in Hollywood - The Superficial

Janice Dickinson's dog ran like hell - A Socialite's Life

Don't call Dwayne Johnson 'The Rock' anymore - Just Jared

More Evidence of Nick Hogan's Pussy-ness

So King Pussy, well QUEEN Pussy Nick Hogan got denied by the court to spend part of his sentence at home in a freaking huge-ass mansion. I guess they figured that wasn't a fitting punishment for driving drunk, wrecking his car, and thus giving his "best friend" permanent brain damgage wherein he is now not responsive to light in his eyes or the voices of his parents. God, what assholes! It was just a car accident!

Anywho, in response to his bitching, the Sheriff's department where he is being jailed has released photos of a cell exactly like the one that Nick is being kept in. Remember him literally crying at his mother about how there's not even a window in his cell? Turns out he's a lying pussy. I know, I'm not shocked either.

The sheriff's office also released Nick's schedule:

Morning Breakfast: Approx. 3:30 a.m. in the cell

Working away from the cell in Inmate Property Section: Approximately 8:00 - 2:00 p.m. No work on Saturday and Sunday

Lunch: Approx. 10:30 a.m. - in the Inmate Property Section

Visitation: 3:00 p.m - 4:00 p.m., Tuesday, Friday and Sunday at Video Visitation booth on the floor, down the hall from his cell.

Dinner: Approx. 4:00 p.m. in the cell

Daily activities where Bollea is out of his cell also include; Attorney visits, recreation (1 hour), several daily telephone calls

Other services available to Bollea: Inmate library books are delivered, Chaplain services, inmate mail, law library materials are available by request, commissary items."

It doesn't exactly sound like a vacation, but it's JAIL. It could be a lot worse. He could be in general population, where part of his activities include being the teabaggee to a rather large, tattooed individual named Judd.

So it's safe to say I still think Nick Hogan sucks and I'm going to call him Queen Nicky from now on. Queen Nicky of the Douchebags! Yes, I like it.

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Am I Too Late?

I've been developing a nice uterus-destroying disease to send over to Parasite Hilton in the form of a chocolate penis. 'Cause you know she couldn't resist biting into a chocolate penis. But I'm not done yet and these pictures have been released, and people are speculating that damn Madden got his jizz to close to her and she's now knocked up.

Shit. Someone call the DFS like now. Of course, perhaps she's not preggo. Maybe she's just bloated. A bitch can hope. I'm not done with my work!

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Random Acts of Crap

Charlie Sheen got married again, calls marriage to Denise Richards "a con." - DListed

Don't ask Mary-Kate Olsen about Heath Ledger - I'm Not Obsessed

Madonna still looks creepy - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Pam Anderson's boobs are still huge. And the rest of her is still old - The Superficial

Court to Nick Hogan: Grow a Pair, Pussy!

Nick Hogan's request to serve part of his sentence at home with his mommy has been denied. His ass is still in jail. I dunno what he's bitching about. If I was that much of a pansy, I'd be damn grateful to be in solitary. Because you know there are some dudes in jail who would like to make Nicky their girlfriend. And I would pay money to see that.

In other news, John Graziano still has irreparable brain damage. So yeah. Nick does not, in case you were wondering. He's just a douchebag.

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Happy Birthday Angelina!

Has she popped yet? Seriously, I need to know. She's getting effing huge.

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Random Acts of Crap

KFed named Father of the Year. Seriously. - The Superficial

Lily Allen knows how to party - DListed

Steve-O's been sober 85 days - ICYDK

Christina Aquilera's giant boobies are going nowhere - The Superficial

Its official: Obama gets Democratic nomination - MSNBC

Hogans Have No Soul. Nick Hogan Also Still a Pussy

TMZ obtained Nick Hogan's response to the lawsuit filed by John Graziano's family. In it, they basically blame everyone on earth except the drunk dumbass actually driving the car. (That would be Nick, in case you're not that quick.)

We've obtained his response to the civil lawsuit that John's family filed against the Hogans, and it's outrageous: Nick blames virtually every person on the planet -- including John himself and Daniel Jacobs, the guy whom he drag-raced to cause the crash in the first place -- but doesn't take a shred of responsibility of his own.Let's just list the ways that Nick says John put himself in danger: Not wearing a seatbelt, not getting out of the car, getting into the car in the first place.

Also, Nick has asked the court to let him serve part of his sentence at home with his mommy until he turns 18. Right now, since he's a minor, he is in solitary confinement away from the general adult population. No word on how much he would see said mommy since she likes to spend her time partying with 19-year-olds.

Says his lawyers: “current confinement is neither fair nor acceptable and creates a mental and physical health risk to a seventeen year old.”

Meh. Put him in general population. He'll be some bubba's girlfriend in 20 minutes. He'll be screaming to be put back in solitary in no time. Problem solved.

All these orange freaks are going to hell.

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The Spike TV Guy's Awards Were Rigged

Cameron Diaz paid a bitch off to win the "Decade of Hotness" award. Because I do not know a single straight male who thinks Diaz is even remotely attractive. She's one hot pizza faced mess.

Whatever. She just wanted that trophy to masterbate with. God knows she can't keep a man.

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Random Acts of Crap

Christina Aguilera takes her wonky boobs out to party - Celebitchy

TMZ and People fighting over picture rights of the Brangelina chosen ones - DListed

Tatum O'Neal bought crack because her dog died - TheSuperficial

Cynthia Nixon's dykey girlfriend hates chick clothes - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Megan Fox likes doing sexy times - The Superficial

Brit Brit Spears circa 1997. She still looks sorta crazy. - IDLYITW

The 2008 MTV Movie Awards were the other night. I know, I don't care either - IDLYITW

Random Acts of Crap

Frasier had a heart attack! - DListed

While Nick Hogan sits in jail crying, bitching over money like a retarded ingrate, his mother parties it up with 19-year-old boyfriend. World vomits. - The Superficial

Tatum O'Neal likes crack. - The Superficial

Denise Richards: See You Next Tuesday! - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Kat Von D brings some class to Spike TV's "Guys Choice Awards." - Hollywood Rag

Boobs! Angelina and her preggo chi-chis do Vanity Fair - Hollywood Rag

As Usual, Angelina is the Coolest Part of a Movie

What else is new? This picture is from a movie getting ready to come out starring her. It's called Wanted.

There's a bunch of rumors going around regarding whether or not she's still preggo or the twins have come to earth. Considering this is the same woman who denied she was pregnant even though she looked ready to burst forth with child, it's hard telling. I wouldn't be surprised either way.

She's also said she keeps guns in the house and has no problem shooting a bitch coming after her kids. Don't act all shocked. This is the same woman who used to keep knives and drink blood. I'd do crazy things to some asshole who thought he could hurt my kid. It'd be a bad day. Just ask the rat that lived under my house and thought about coming in where my kid lives. He totally thought that green block Husband and I gave him was candy. Ha! He was probably cursing our names while he bled to death internally. Too bad, so sad. I'm higher on the food chain.

Anyways. Angelina what?

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GAH!

Ew! That's all I can say. I'm about to barf up lunch.

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The Fuck?!?!

Courtney Love is claiming some bitch stole late husband Kurt Cobain's ashes from her house. She kept the ashes in a pink teddy bear bag with a lock of his hair. That along with thousands of dollars worth of jewelry was stolen from her home.

From a source: Courtney said: "I can't believe anyone would take Kurt's ashes from me. I find it disgusting and right now I'm suicidal. If I don't get them back I don't know what I'll do."The sad news will sicken the millions of Cobain and Nirvana fans worldwide.

Now according to my Nirvana Bible, C. Love went to a buddist temple and had a statue made with some of the ashes. She buried some under a tree at the house where they lived in Seattle when he died. (When she moved, she put in the contract for the sale of the estate that she would be able to take the tree, and that the house not be made into a museum.) And according to the book, she and Frances Bean put the rest of the ashes in a creek behind his mom's house. Now I could be remembering wrong, but apparently my old cat was a Pearl Jam fan because he pissed all over my Bible. Dammit. So anyways, back to the actual story.

If I am wrong, and there were ashes left to steal, I pray they don't fall into the hands of some asshole who is just gonna sell 'em on eBay or some shit. I mean, C. Love is a crazy crackhead and all, but she did actually love Kurt and if she hasn't hocked him on eBay herself by now, she isn't going to and ought to have the ashes returned. A curse upon the asshole who stole them from her crackden - I mean home.

At any rate, if anyone sees an auction on eBay or otherwise, let a bitch know!

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I'm Pretty Sure Prince is Batshit Crazy

I mean, it's just a hunch. I'd completely forgotten about him getting sued by his landlord for painting a rental property purple a while back. That was some funny shit. Crazy shit, too. So for these reasons, I don't think he can be reasoned with the way you reason with a normal human being. You need some sort of interpretor of crazy to help you communicate with him. Jacko needs one too.

Anyways, the Purple One performed at Coachella back in April and covered an old Radiohead song, Creep. Tons of fans got video and loaded it on YouTube. Prince freaked and had his people pull the videos, citing copyright infingement. Too bad he doesn't own shit on that song.

According to Billboard: After word spread that Prince covered Radiohead's "Creep" at Coachella, the tens of thousands who couldn't be there ran to YouTube for a peek. Everyone was quickly denied _ even Radiohead. All videos of Prince's unique rendition of Radiohead's early hit were quickly taken down, leaving only a message that his label, NPG Records, had removed the clips, claiming a copyright violation. But the posted videos were shot by fans and, obviously, the song isn't Prince's. In a recent interview, Thom Yorke said he heard about Prince's performance from a text message and thought it was "hilarious." Yorke laughed when his bandmate, guitarist Ed O'Brien, said the blocking had prevented him from seeing Prince's version of their song. "Really? He's blocked it?" asked Yorke, who figured it was their song to block or not. "Surely we should block it. Hang on a moment." Yorke added: "Well, tell him to unblock it. It's our ... song."

Ha, anyways. Yeah. Someone tell them that they don't know crazyspeak. Prince has no clue what the fuck they're saying. He's too busy humping purple guitars in his purple house.

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God My Birthday Sucks!

My birthday was Friday, and I don't share it with a single cool bitch. Just Wynonna Judd. She's all right, I guess. At least I don't share it with Parisite Hilton or any of those orange Hogan assholes. Could be worse!

Happy late birthday to me and Wynonna Judd! We are awesome.

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50 Cent Tried to Kill Ex-Girlfriend?

Bah who the hell knows. But his ex and mother to his son is claiming that the fire that destroyed 50's house on Friday morning was actually an attempt on her life. The house burned and she and 50's 10-year-old son Marquese escaped with only smoke inhalation.

Shaniqua Tompkins made this statement in front of the burned-down house: "He said he was going to have someone come kill me and watch what he does. And then look what he did. He had made no contact to see how his son is doing."

Apparently she claimed he had promised to put the house in her name, but they were fighting it out in court.

50's spokeswhores responded with: "Any suggestion that Mr. Jackson had anything whatsoever to do with the fire at his home is outrageous and offensive."

Boring! Oh well I'm sure we'll hear more about this little drama.

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