Yay Beth's Coming Back!

Okay eff off you racist mullet. I'm trying to bow to the grace and beauty that is Beth, whose boobs are being blocked by your ugly mullet face.

Anywho. Even though I'd heard the shit got canceled, Dog the Bounty Hunter is returning to A&E for a fifth season.

According to AP: "It's not about ratings," A&E spokesman Michael Feeney said. "We know his heart. We know him and know he's not a racist."Scott Lonker, vice president nonfiction and alternative programming at A&E, said viewer demand for the show also weighed in the decision.

Niger Innis, national chairman of the Congress of Racial Equality, said Chapman's use of the racial slur was wrong. But he noted that Chapman "took ownership of the harm it caused" and "sought to turn his life around."Alphonso Braggs, Hawaii chapter president of the NAACP, disagreed, saying Chapman got off lightly for behavior that is "absolutely unacceptable."

"If individuals see they are able to behave inappropriately with little or no consequence, they will continue that pattern," he said.

My ass it's not about ratings. EVERYTHING is about fucking ratings. Which I don't understand, there's some other shows on A&E that are doing very well. I dunno, Dog probably got on their nerves with all this bitching and moaning. "I'm sorry please gimmie my show back! I'm so broke I can no longer afford the hair gel and boob implant surgeries for my wife! My mullet is falling! I'll never say another bad word in my life!"

Something like that. I dunno all I know is once again, my eyes will befall upon the gorgeousness that is Beth Chapman. That bitch is fabulous.

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Howard Stern is an Asshole

I know, the title is pretty straightforward and mean. But he is. I mean, who the fuck picks on Dolly Parton? She wouldn't kill a fly. Not even with one giant boob. She's always been sweet and I love her. Kill me.

Anyways. He did a segment on an audio book Dolly did and with the use of some creative editing, made it sound like she'd said some pretty nasty things. For example: "Kenny Rogers smells like boy cum." The rest of the audio is above, courtesy of YouTube for however long they leave it up.

Amusing, yes. But not something that Dolly would ever say in a million years. Most people know this. But Stern still deserves punishment for being a dick.

From Dolly's statement: "I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

I hope she sues. Any judge would side with her. She's Dolly Parton, dude! Some things are just sacred. Don't eff with Dolly. That is all.

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Everyone's Spilling the Damn Beans

Yesterday Jack Black put himself on the hit list by spilling that Angelina Jolie was not only pregnant, but expecting twins, forcing her to confirm the rumor. Now another co-star to this Kung Fu Panda flick, Dustin Hoffman, has spilled the due date of August 19th. I'm hoping she'll hang onto 'em for another week and birth on my husband's birthday. How cool would that be for him to share a birthday with offspring of the Dame Goddess? Yeah he doesn't care either I don't think.

Anywho. She has stated that they were going to keep the sex of the babies quiet, but we'll see. She's gonna have to threaten the cast of this movie with a freaking Force Choke. Yeah, you know she's one with the Force. She's a Jedi and that's how she got the Man-Slave under her control. That just explains everything.

Congrats to her I guess. More minions for Maddox to control!

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Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer Together

So yeah who cares. This shit is actually old news, I've just been ignoring it. Only reason why I'm now talking about it is because I really want to know: Does John Mayer really have such shitty taste in women? Didn't he date Jennifer Love Hewitt or some shit at one time? Okay she's sorta cute. And I do understand the Chestica Simpson fling. Every male wants to touch big boobies. But I refuse to understand this new thing with Jennifer Aniston. Does he have a thing for pathetic, desperate women whose careers have been shit since their hit TV show went off the air like ten years ago?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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Nicole Richie and Parisite Hilton are Misinformed

Apparently Joel Madden went out one night and was seen "flirting" with Lindsay Lohan. In case you don't know [or care], Madden is Nicole Richie's baby daddy.

According to Star Magazine: The trouble started for the new mom after she decided to stay home with their 4-month-old daughter, Harlow, while Joel deejayed at Hornitos' Cinco de Mayo party at Crown Bar in L.A. However, while there, the Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records. "Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers," says one onlooker. "Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn't turning her away." Nicole was immediately alerted to the situation by her arch-frenemy Paris Hilton, who sent her a devastating text message: Lindsay was all over Joel! He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring," a friend of the couple tells Star. "Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage."

The amusing part is, apparently nobody told Nicole or Parisite that they have nothing to worry about. Lindsay has been eating tuna for a while now. Yes, she has a thing for DJ's. But the DJ must have a vagina. Problem solved, nobody has to kill Lohan.

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Jack Black is About to Die

You see Angelina smiling. What you don't see is her summoning the minions to off Jack Black. He let slip what we all freaking know - which is that she is pregnant. But he confirmed the rumor that she was preggo with twins.

According to The Superficial: Angelina Jolie confirmed today that she is definitely sporting double fetuseses. She had no choice in the matter after Jack Black accidentally spilled the beans then sang a goofy song with his guitar.

Yeah I could've used Us Magazine's quote, but it wasn't as amusing.

Anywho. I hope you enjoyed Jack Black while we had him. He's a dead man now. Look at his face. He knows it. He's trying to figure out how far of a head start he has. He's looking for exits. Run, Jack, run!

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Lunch Ruined - AGAIN!

It's like watching the birth of AIDS and herpes and bird flu and the clap all at once. Seriously. It's like a match made in crack heaven.

Amy Winehouse threw a party and of course, fellow crackhead Pete Doherty atteneded. God forbid a camera NOT be there when he decides to kiss her goodbye. Ew.

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Oprah Gets Canceled

Says Oprah's spokeswhore: "Oprah felt like she got a message out there. It was not something she wanted to renew."

Translation: "That show sucked out loud and got canceled."

Sounds good to me.

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Yes! Flashback City!

There's gonna be a Fraggle Rock movie! I loved this shit when I was a kid. It's an acid trip waiting to happen. I'm all over it!

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Chestica Not Only Probably Dumped, But Really Bad in Bed

No picture because Blogger needs it's head examined too.

So according to an email sent to the hos at The Superficial, Tony Romo not only dumped Chestica whilst drunk, he also humiliated her and made fun of her skills in the sack.

From the email: Tony Romo was in town, and he was bar hopping with some buddies of his from Chicago. He had the nerve to put Jessica on speakerphone and talk about their sex life with all his guys listening and laughing at her. Not only is this girl dumb, but she is completely self conscious about her bedroom skills. After a few too many drinks, he told everyone he and Jessica are over. They are taking a "break." He could never see himself being serious and marrying this girl. He's just having fun with her. It's funny everyone is talking about them getting married when they are completely over. Sorry Jessica, Tony had his fun with you, and now is on to bigger and better things.

Yes, bigger and better things. Because he's so fucking mature that he does that to a woman. Yes, she is dumb. We get it. But no reason to fucking humiliate the bitch in front of your drunken retarded buddies. God what an asshole.

Anyways I'm gonna stop since I just realized I'm now standing up for Big Boobs Simpson. First Britney Spears, now this? I need my head examined. Be back soon!

Brooke Hogan Makes Sense

Brooke Hogan apparently had something to say regarding her brother getting put in jail. What the hell she means, I have no idea.

From her MySpace: BSCurrent mood: pissed off
Category: Life
I know most of the public thinks my brother is some rich little selfish kid, but NO ONE knows the real story and I'm really pissed that the truth didn't come out from either side. A LOT of lies were told in that trial. Believe me. And it wasn't from us. John was NEVER home. He was at our house. ALL THE TIME. that should say enough…. Im not going to be out spoken right now, but If some s*** doesn't start getting straightened out, A lot of people are going to eat their words for lieing. I know all of the truth and I have back up. I never know how twisted this world could be but I'm starting to figure it out. And I'm gonna have to jump off my high road and tackle some ppl who are taking the low road. I know you guys don't understand, but you will really really soon. Keep praying. And by the way, before you judge anybody, make sure you really know them. I promise you if you were to meet my brother he would give you the shirt off his back. He's not "NICK HOGAN." AND hes not the person he plays on tv. People are so gullible now a days…"

Apparently that didn't say what she wanted to say because she took that down and put up this gem: wtvr
I have the truth on my side. And the truth will set everyone straight sooner or later. PEACE
ps: yes I took my last one off cause I know itll go around anyway. Have at it ppl."

Whatever the hell that means. Her brother basically accepted his guilt in court but I cannot say I'm surprised that Brooke is throwing a hissy fit. Bitch.

That being said, I'm totally adding her to my friends list. I'm a MySpace whore!

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Goth Family!

So Queen Angelina brought out the two princesses Zahara and Shiloh and they were definately doing their best all-black goth impression. I'm used to Angie always looking like she's going to an effing funeral or My Chemical Romance concert, but they all look sorta blah, don't they? Oh well it's Angelina so I can't hate that bad. Maybe the Man-Slave ruined all their colors in the wash. Maddox needs to watch his ass a little closer.

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Chestica Might be Dumped on Her Ass

Rumor has it that Chestica Simpson's football boyfriend might have dumped her. Wow, just in time for Ashlee and Pete's "secret" wedding this weekend! Coinsidence? Fuck no.

Tony Romo had a bachelor-style hard partying weekend in the Windy City these past couple of days and now we know why. We exclusively have learned that Romo and girlfriend Jessica Simpson have broken up! Romo partied with several of his college buddies from his alma mater Eastern Illinois over the weekend and he told them on Saturday night that him and Simpson were on the outs. “They’re broken up,” according to a pal of the Dallas Cowboys quarterback. “He told us they broke up and that was that. We’re guys so we didn’t talk about it much.”

Whatever he was tired of her ass. The end.

I'm Not Surprised

In LA, I think you could run someone over with your damned Mercedes and make it outta jail in less than a day. Seriously.

Yesterday Scott Weiland checked himself into jail at 8:55 AM to start his 192 hour jail sentence to get it done on time for his reunion tour with Stone Temple Pilots that's set to start in Ohio on the 17th. Well, they let his ass go after ten hours. Seriously, what the hell?

Oh well. At least I know the bitch will be here for RockFest. Now I just need that bitch Moose to answer the damn phone when I'm trying to win tickets. Hey, I'd buy 'em but I'm a broke ass ho. Hostess snack cakes don't buy themselves!

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What the Hell is that Shit on Her Head???

This is Sarah Jessica Parker at the Sex and the City movie premiere and apparently, she stopped by a fucking forest on the way and glued a bunch of grass and shit to her head on the way. Seriously, who let her leave the damn limo looking this freaking stupid?

She probably only did it so we'd pay attention to her horse face and not the other bitches. Well, Kim Cattral was always my favorite, so suck that SJP! Take that and glue it to your head!

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A Crack Whore in the Woods

Hey, my lunch was ruined today, so now I'm ruining yours.

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They Got the Ol' Pillow Back Out!

Ah rumors are floating around about Katie-Kate wanting to get knocked up again, so the angry midget must've placed another order for another kid to be grown in the $cientology cabbage patch. Until then, we get to see the musical pillow game she played when she was "preggo" with Suri.

Although, she's probably not pregnant. She's probably just bloated from all that barley water. If she really was "preggo" he'd be gloating all over town, sucking up the publicity

This picture is from them watching Tom's man-crush, David Beckham, playing soccer.

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More Proof Heather Mills is Evil Incarnate

Maria Rybkina is a Russian mother who lost her legs in 2003 in an accident. She had been begging on the streets for money to pay for her surgeries and some fake legs. A British couple, Robin and Inna Barratt, sympathized with her plight and began trying to help her raise the money. Being that they are not richer than hell, they contacted Heather Mills' foundation for help.

Mills' foundation is for people who are victims of land mines, so it could not help Maria. So Mills promised to use her own personal funds to help the woman get the surgeries and legs she needed.

Says Robin: "She promised she would also provide all the medical support needed to get her walking again. She told us that because her charity only helped victims of landmines, she would support Maria from her own personal finances." Heather even flew to Moscow and posed for a few pictures with Maria.

Well time went by and that old bitch made promise after promise and Maria didn't see one red cent that was promised to her by Mills. The British couple finally found a company to help Maria and she now has legs and can walk again. Nevermind the fact that Heather Mills told her divorce judge she needed like a million bucks to do her charible work.

She's still an evil bitch and I can't wait for karma to pay her ass back.

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Lover's Quarrel

Hey, every couple has 'em. Lesbian trash or not.

Lindsay Lohan and her snatch love Samantha Ronson were at a bar in West Hollywood and had a drunken screaming match which left Lohan bawling. Apparently she's the bitch, and Ronson's the butch!

I'm just kidding. I'm sure it's just the stress Lohan's under from losing that job.

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Wow. Just....Wow.

Just when you think you've seen the dumbest bitches ever to walk the earth, you see someone even dumber. Case in point:

Three Kingwood teens have been arrested and accused of digging up a secluded grave and removing a skull in Humble, a city north of Houston.

Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, told Houston police that around March 15 they and a 16-year old juvenile dug up a grave, removed the skull from the coffin and converted it into a "bong," a device used to smoke marijuana, according to court documents.

Houston police believe the teens disturbed the grave of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.

I've been pretty fucking stoned before, but never THIS stoned. This must be what they mean when they say "you have smoked yourself retarded." Look at this dipshits! You know they're sitting there like "Duh, this just totally ruined my high..."

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Nick Hogan to Spend 8 Months in Jail

Only 8 months?!?! Seriously this little douche put a guy in a coma. This poor man is gonna spend the rest of his life in a nursing home, and all Nick gets is 8 fucking months??

In case you don't remember, Nick Hogan got liquored up and thought he should drive his car and then race said car. He got into a horrible accident, which gave his friend irreversable brain damage.

Anyways, for some reason, they let his dumbass sister Brooke talk in court. She stood up and cried about "this is why she hates being a celebrity." Yeah, because she's a selfish bitch like that.

Before being sentenced, Nick got to speak to the judge. He was pretty mature about his guilt, though I'll give him that. He said in part: "I'll never, ever be able to tell John 'sorry' enough times to make up for what happened on Aug. 26. I loved John to death. He was like my oldest brother and my best friend. I'm ready to take my punishment."

He's to go to jail immediately.

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Nice Try, Roseanne

So George Clooney did a screening of his new flick Leatherheads and had a little chat with a critic from Rolling Stone regarding his early days in acting. If you remember, he had a spot on Roseanne, the show starring the original loudmouth, Roseanne Barr. Now I love her. She's funny. But she's also very unattractive and she had to be joking to think George effing Clooney would ever want to see her naked, let alone do sexy things with her. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

According to People, he said of the incident: "I worked on her first series, and when I met her she said, 'You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink.' She was unbelievably kind to me at a time when no one was."

Wow what a line. I'm sure he was just blown away. And I'm sure she stank already.

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Robot Wife is Fully Functional Again

Time to bust out the turkey baster! Katie-Kate is saying what she's been told to say, and yapping about having another kid.

Says a source: "Now that Suri is more toddler than baby, she said she misses having an infant in the house. And, of course, she thinks Suri would make a great big sister."

Really, first, they need to wean their TWO-YEAR-OLD off the bottle. Because that's just sad. More information on the stupidity of this over at my picture source.

The midget must be so happy that the reprogramming worked.

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My Uterus Hurts!!

When will this factory close? Seriously!

41-year-old psycho Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 18th kid. Since number 17 is like a year old, I was hoping the uterus finally declared defeat and ran like hell. But I guess not.

Pimp dad, Jim Bob, had this to say: "Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen."

And by "everybody working together to serve each other" he means "the kids do the work so me and Ma can have lots of icky Christian sex and not have to lift a single finger to clean or take care of the brood we have birthed."

Yes, I have issues. These people are insane.

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Michael Jackson in Drag

Yeah he's into that now. You know how he is about disguises.

Nah, it's really his sister LaToya. She's looking pretty Jacko-ish these days, isn't she?

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Katherine Heigl to be Next Jennifer Aniston

Remember how Jennifer Aniston was super awesome on Friends but has yet to really have serious success in film? Apparently Katherine Heigl hasn't been paying attention.

Bitch wants to quit the meal ticket that she has with Grey's Anatomy to "better focus on her movie career." Yeah that tired-ass excuse.

Some source claimed she learned her lesson from Aniston: “She’s a smart one. She saw what can happen with someone like Jennifer Aniston, who was crazy successful on TV, but can’t seem to carry a film, and she tested the waters early."

Yeah if you call that dress movie "success." Seriously, stay where the money is, Heigl. Ride that puppy 'til it kicks the bucket. It's all you've got.

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See? I Was Right. Next Stop: Rehab!

Gary Dourdan has been officially charged with possession of a lot of drugs. His tired as hell excuse that they weren't his didn't work. This is my surprised face.

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Madonna is Shocking!

More like revolting. I saw this picture and threw up in my mouth a little. I hope that backup dancer got an antibiotic when she got offstage because God knows what's in that mouth. Screw the antibiotic...she probably needs valtrex and a shot of whiskey. Maddy has sucked a lot of peen in her day. She used to fuck Vanilla Ice. Ugh I'd forgotten about that. She'll fuck anybody, won't she?

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See? Everything IS Bigger in Texas!

This chick is a 28-year-old wife and mother from Houston whose main ambition in life is to have the biggest ta-tas in the entire world. 'Cause you gotta have goals.

Sheyla Hershey currently has FFF size boobs and she holds the record in Brazil for biggest ever. She wants to be the biggest in the world. She says: “I want to look better each day, every day. Everybody’s got a dream inside, you know? And, it’s good when you can make your dream come true.”

Yeah that's exactly what Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. had in mind when he gave his speech in D.C.

Anywho, the state of Texas is impeding on her dreams. They apparently have a limit as to how much silicone they'll put in a human boob. One health professional advised she undergo a psychological evaulation before having any more surgery done in case she has an addiction. But that bitch works for Fox News and we all know how unbiased those assholes are. Don't let them ruin your dream, Sheyla! Keep on going until those chi-chis explode and kill everyone within a 5 mile radius! Or you just collapse from the topweight and are confined to a wheelchair, whichever comes first.

Sheyla will be following the dream to Brazil, where she will be able to have the surgery done. I wonder what ZZZ would look like. Probably just a giant tit with legs.

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Oldest Trick in the Book

And it doesn't work either. It doesn't matter how many stairs you stand on, you closeted mess, you are still a crazy-ass midget and your robot wife is still taller than you.

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Papa Joe About to Cash In

Supposedly second-favorite-Simpson-daughter Ashlee and her fiance Pete Wentz are set to do the wedding thing on May 16th, which is next week.

According to Hollyscoop: A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.

Well of course he is. That's his fatherly duty. Sell off his daughter's happy day to the highest bidder. This is the same dumbass who put his favorite daughter's wedding on a reality tv show. And SHE was the favorite! Imagine what Ashlee's in for!

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Britney on the Right Path (No, Not to Insanity...)

So for all the shit I give Britney Spears, secretly I have always hoped she'd get her shit together so she can give a nice middle finger to the media who want her to just go all out, go nuts, and off herself so they can have another Anna Nicole to yap about for years to come. That and so she could get her kids back from that trailer trash hero KFed.

Anywho, she's been on that track for a while now. Yesterday she had a court date, and the ground was laid for more time with her two boys. According to People: "We are so pleased with Britney's progress, and we are appreciative of the court's recognition of this progress," Spears's parents, Jamie and Lynne Spears, said in statement after a hearing attended by the pop star and her ex-husband Kevin Federline.It was not clear how much more time Spears was granted. Federline's attorney characterized the court order as "an expansion of time.""It is a cautious step, but a step forward nonetheless," said lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan. "We are seeing signs of [Britney's] progress, and consistency over time is something welcome by Kevin ... The children are doing great."

I'd heard somewhere she was getting three days a week of supervised visitation, but as I don't remember where I heard it, I'm calling it a rumor. But still, that's not nothing. She's been laying pretty low lately. She got out to her sister's baby shower, but otherwise she seems to be doing better. In spite of what other blogs say, I think she looks better. She's no Angelina Jolie, but compared to how's she's looked in the past I think some bad hair extensions are the least of her worries. Besides, I don't think she should HAVE to be Miss Pop Superstar anymore if she doesn't fucking want to. She's got enough money to live off of if she doesn't spend it all. If she wants to go into retirement, let her. As long as she's got her sanity and she's happy, leave her the fuck alone.

Anyways. Off the soapbox now. Back to bashing the dipshits.

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Better Version of the Batman Trailer

So I found a version of the Batman trailer minus the dumbasses yelling over it in the theater and shit. Definately cool and worth a watch. It also better shows lawyer Harvey Dent who later becomes Two-Face. Comic Book Resources apparently has leaked what he will look like after the transformation.

Heath Ledger is freaking amazing and this is just the trailer. It's just a reminder that the world lost this talent way too fucking early. God forbid the no-talent assholes like Parisite Hilton accidently OD on their fucking herpes medicine. No. It has to be the GOOD bitches who put out movies worth watching instead of tired-ass porn.

Seriously. Husband and I ran across this flick on Showtime one night called Candy starring Ledger and Abie Cornish. Apparently it was released in Australia or some shit. But it is a freaking awesome movie. Rent this shit if you get a chance.

Anyways. Back to making fun of dumb bitches.

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Lohan is a Theif as Well as a Lesbian and Has-Bian

22-year-old college student Masha Markova attended with some party where she sat close to ol' Lohan and she wore a $11,000 prized mink coat. When she left, she couldn't find the coat. Then pictures of the tired truck stop whore Lindsay started showing up on blogs wearing the stolen animal pelt.

After phone calls to the club where the party was held, and to her lawyer who contacted Lohan's lawyer, Masha got a package in the mail from the club with her jacket inside which was of course, wrecked. She said it stunk of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and there was a tear in the lining. Now she's going after Lohan for about 10 grand to pay for the damage.

Bitch should count herself lucky the jacket only smelled like smoke and booze. It could have smelled like tired lesbo pussy. Now THAT shit is rank! Have you ever gone into a public bathroom and this stale tuna-fish-rotten-egg sort of nasty smell is behind? You know a tired old lesbo was in there before you.

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Chestica is Still Feeling Left Out

In a rumor certainly started by Boobs herself, apparently her and her football guy are "engaged." She was at some party at P. Diddy's house and some shit happened, and now there's a rumor.

Without her Dallas Cowboy boyfriend Tony Romo to keep her in check, Simpson cracked the whip on the arm of pal Zach Braff until the wee hours. Her former assistant CaCee Cobb and Cobb's "Scrubs" beau Donald Faison toasted to a great night and (interestingly) Jessica's "happiness." "I have never felt better," the blonde bombshell was heard telling the close-knit group, adding that she was "just so excited." Jess was toasting with a glass of champagne, so we're assuming she isn't "expecting"...but could an engagement ring be en route?"

Yeah I have no idea how toasting to her "happiness" means she roped a dumbass into marrying her. All I know is God forbid her sister have any limelight, no matter how annoying they both are.

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An Office Under the Stairs?!?!!

Apparently the $cientologists read Harry Potter because in this video, Crazy Midget is giving Oprah a tour of his compound in Colorado, and shows off Suri's little "office under the stairs." What the fuck?

Crazy Midget doesn't act very crazy but Katie-Kate makes an appearance in the beginning and says "I love you" about 14 times. Bitch is malfunctioning. He really needs to check that out later. Maybe send her ass back to bootcamp for reprogramming. Anywho, I'm disappointed. I was hoping for some more couch-jumping fun!

Boo!

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As Usual....

Someone gets busted with a pharmacy of drugs in their car. Does that someone fess up and admit to the crime? Hell no!

Earlier I posted about Gary Dourdan's awesome night and arrest. When asked about the situation, he told Access Hollywood: "I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative. I've been happy to cooperate in any way to clear myself and go on with my blessed life."

Meaning: "That shit wasn't mine."

Right. Like I said before, next stop: REHAB!

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Obama is Funny

Or someting. This is a video of him doing the "Top Ten" on Letterman. Safe to say, I wasn't amused.

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Hey, It Was Worth a Shot.

Nobody should mistake 21-year-old Charles Fuller for a genious. Hell no, look at him! He's a fucking dumbass.

He went to a bank in Fort Worth, Texas with a check to cash. For $360 billion. Right. Obviously the bank teller thought this odd and phoned the account holder, who happened to be Fuller's girlfriend's mother. Even more obviously, she denied giving him any check, let alone one for that much money.

Cops were called and bitch was arrested. They found some pot and a gun on him. He claimed the mother had given him the check to start his record label. Okay then! This kid is going places, I can tell.

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This is a Bad Idea.

Seriously. Whoever gave Naomi Campbell a baseball bat should be arrested for endangering the safety of basically everyone on the set of Ugly Betty. Nothing good could come from this. Come back later to see the trail of bloody and beaten assistants left in her wake.

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I Wonder What Old Vah-jay-jay Smells Like This Close Up...

It could've been worse. At least she's out of the leotard phase. Poor Justin Timberlake did survive this encounter with the oldest bitch to ever bitch, Madge. I guess they're performing that crap song they recorded together.

During the set, she said this before a song: “All you people I saw sleeping in the street last night, this song is for you.”

Aw, how generous. They're cold, hungry, and homeless, and she's dedicating a song to them. I'm sure all their problems are solved now.

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Lindsay Lohan Still Has One Fan

Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon several times. None of these bullets hit Yoko Ono. Therefore he is the devil incarnate.

Chapter 27 is a film about the assassin which is apparently a big steaming pile of poo according to critics. Lindsay Lohan is in the click and plays Mark David's friend. I'm sure she was just amazing.

Apparently the real Mark David thinks so because he's got pictures of her all over his cell and wants her to write and visit him. Unfortunately she's too busy getting wasted and licking DJ chick vagina to give a shit.

Either way, she ought to be grateful. It's the only fan she's got left.

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Amy Winehouse Gets a Hickey

Ew. Apparently she went to see her jailed husband and he left her with a memento. How charming.

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If You Weren't Creeped Out Enough Before...

Yeah this should just about do it. Although Hulk seriously looks like he's about to smush Brooke's boyfriend's head into small tiny pieces to clog the pool drain.

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What in the Name of God and Sweet Baby Jesus is Wrong with Criss Angel?!?!?!!

Besides the fact that he managed to freak the eff out like a crazed lunatic at the Miss USA finals a while back, which was brought to the attention of The Hairpiece Donald Trump, he apparently glued a dead rat to his face.

I mean what the hell kinda GD girlfriend lets her man do that to himself??? He looks like a drunken homeless alcoholic. The only reason I know that it's even Criss Angel is the Mr. T style jewelry he always wears.

Someone piss test this dude, he needs Intervention like right now. Only
Jeff Van Vonderen can save his ass now. I mean, Mindfreak is on the same network. Just have a crossover!

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P.S. In case you think I'm nuts, this is why I'm in freaking shock. Criss used to look like this:

David Blaine Breaks Record for Holding One's Breath Underwater and Doesn't Drown

Dammit. Maybe next time.

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Clay Gayken Looks Like a Tired Lesbo

Seriously! Does he not look like he belongs at a Doc Martens store? He's all bloated and has on waaaaay too much makeup. It's scary.

This is from him hocking his new CD on QVC and a lot of bloggers are saying it's him totally coming out. Since the entire country besides his little "Claymates" knows he's a flaming gayity gay gay, this isn't all that exciting to me.

However, if you cannot live unless you see proof, check out DListed for lyrics and video.

Papa Joe Hasn't Learned His Lesson

Apparently Papa Joe Simpson missed out on the reason why his older [favorite] daughter's marriage went belly-up. That damn MTV reality show she and Nick did basically shit on that. But who cares, right? It's not your daughter's happiness that counts here. It's how much money they can make you! So in that spirit, he's been annoying MTV about making a second Newlyweds show starring Ashlee and Pete. Wow, he's even naming it the same? That's freaking retarded.

Says a source: “He knows that no one cared about Jessica before her reality show, and he’s hoping a show for Ashlee will have the same effect."

Yeah her new CD debuted at number 4 on the Billboards and I guess it's her first album not to debut at number one. Papa Joe apparently doesn't realize the obvious truth in this: nobody cares about his damn kids anymore. No reality show is going to change that.

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$cientology Boot Camp Would be Fun...

I guess Katie-Kate needed reprogramming. She was talking about taking Suri and fleeing to NYC without the gay midget to do a Broadway show. Well that just is not going to happen and Tommy isn't going to stand for it!

Star Magazine is reporting that Tommy sent the robot wife to Gold Base in Hemet, CA for 3 days. Gold Base is some $cientology compound. According to a source, $cientology boot camp includes: "various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." One of the auditing sessions reportedly lasts 36 hours with little sleep and food.

That oughtta fix her up. No free thought for you! Now take this pill and shut up!

Damn and I really had hope too. Bah. I should've known better.

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Gary Dourdan Had a Rough Night

Gary Dourdan plays Warrick Brown on one of the best shows in television history: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. He was arrested yesterday in Palm Springs on suspicion of possessing heroin, cocaine, ecstacy, and prescription drugs. Holy crap, that's a combonation!

He was found asleep in his car at 5 in the morning and the cops took his ass to jail where he bailed out later.

Apparently, he's set to leave the show after this season. What?!?! No more Warrick? No more man-love between him and Nick? No more skeezy Mrs. Robinson vibe with Catherine? Damn that sucks.

Anywho, next, rehab!

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Leaked Dark Knight Trailer

Dunno how long this will be up. But the movie looks kick ass and Heath Ledger definately played the creepy villian well, from the clips in this trailer. The video is actually someone filming in a theater where the trailer was shown. The actual trailer we'll see on TV doesn't come out until this weekend, I think.

Anywho, bastard won't let me embed in this post, so go to my source to see the trailer.

Jail for Weiland?

Scott Weiland, formerly of Velvet Revolver and more importantly, Stone Temple Pilots had court today. He wasn't there, but his lawyer entered a no contest plea in his DUI from November. The judge sentenced him to 192 hours in jail (LA is so freaking weird) plus he has to pay a $2,000 fine and attend an 18 month alcohol abuse program. According to TMZ he has until May 28th to do the jail time, but it doesn't say anything about the rehab.

The only thing I care about: Will STP still be playing RockFest in Kansas City? Because that is the only GD reason I'm going. Watching Scotty prance around like John Travolting backstage at The Little Mermaid just makes my summer.

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Ew Ew Ew Ew

Yes, that's Hulk Hogan. Yes he is slathering Brooke's ass with sun lotion. Brooke is his DAUGHTER if you didn't realize. This is Papa Joe Simpson territory and it skeeves me out. Ew.

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Everyone's Wedding Night Should be This Awesome

25-year-old newlywed Christa Wielechowski and new hubby 32-year-old Dr. David M. Wielechowski had one hot wedding night. Apparently they decided to kick everyone's asses.

The wedding was fine I guess, because the drama happened afterwards at the Holiday Inn. The couple had started arguing before they got to their room. The police report says that David "then used a karate-style kick with his leg to kick Christa, knocking her to the floor."

"Karate-style" eh? That's pretty nifty.

Two guests heard them fighting, and decided to come to the bride's rescue. He of course started beating them down. She sided with her husband and helped beating down her would-be rescuers. They apparently battled to the elevator, and down to the lobby where Dr. David chucked a metal planter at the two guests. They caused around $1,000 of damage to the hotel.

The couple were obviously arrested and charged with simple assault, criminal mischief, and disorderly conduct. The bride was charged with public drunkenness.

The best part? The picture of her leaving the next morning still in her wedding dress. Pure awesome. I'll bet that shot ends up in their wedding album.

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