Disturbing on so Many Levels...

Yeah if this doesn't creep you out at least a little bit, you have no soul.

That is all.

Is the Mind Control Wearing Off???

Apparently Katie-Kate Holmes has been suffering from headaches, dizziness, and seeing spots for a while now. She's had a fixation on dieting, even though she's already really skinny and has had fainting spells.

Star Magazine says: When Katie recently lunched at her favorite restaurant, L.A.'s Joan's on Third, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. She seemed exhausted, her skin was pale, and she looked feeble and emaciated. "She gave us a weak smile and wave before leaving out the back door," says an eyewitness at the restaurant. Once outside, a confused and unsteady Katie braced herself against the doorframe before her bodyguard carefully guided her into a waiting SUV."

Although they go on to say her couch-destroying psycho midget husband is to blame. Oh, imagine that.

To complicate matters even further, while Tom goes off for days at a time ("His rule is 'You can be with me, but don't ask about it,'" says a source), Katie is overseeing the interior design of their lavish $35 million Beverly Hills mansion. "To him, the home is a status symbol," says a source, "so it's on Katie's shoulders to pull off something beyond magnificent, something Tom can brag about. She's giving herself headaches thinking about it and making herself sick."

No, don't ask about the mostly naked young male models leaving his room. They were just there to fix the leaky toilet. That's right. Ignore how he smells like man-sex. Just shut up and take another pill and go home.

Things That Make You Go - "Duh!"

Everyone thinks that bitches in Hollywood just starve themselves to stay thin. Turns out popping pills is the new anorexia. Who would've thought.

According to The New York Daily News and WWTDD.com: When Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving, police said they found cocaine in her pocket. Paris Hilton recently admitted to talk host Larry King that she takes Adderall for attention-deficit disorder. Both drugs are often used by women looking to lose weight. At the moment, Adderall is the latest diet-drug craze in Hollywood. The number of celebrities addicted to it continues to rise. Female celebrities recently arrested - from Paris to Nicole Richie, from Lindsay to Britney Spears - all reportedly have used prescription Adderall. It keeps you awake while killing the appetite.Some celebrities also take Clenbuterol, known as Clen. Commonly prescribed to treat respiratory problems in horses, in humans it can cause fat loss.Manhattan-based trainer Justin Gelband, who works with catwalk and catalogue models, says: "Diet pills and steroids are huge right now. After Kate Moss was caught supposedly doing coke, the modeling agencies started to crack down on girls using hard-core drugs like cocaine and heroin to stay slim.

Where you shocked? Oh I know I was. I nearly shit myself in surprise. I'm so surprised that I'm gonna quit stalking Angelina Jolie in protest.

No really.

Johnny Depp is Better Than Cameron Diaz

I read somewhere long ago that Johnny Depp has a really good reputation for being very gracious to his fans. In that same article, I read Cameron Diaz is a king-sized cunt to her fans. I clung to that because it amuses me that someone so ugly could afford to piss off fans.

Anywho. Here's some more evidence to support my point. Johnny got a letter from a dad whose daughter, Sophie Wilkensen, had been in a car accident five months ago and had fallen into a coma. She's a huge Depp fan, and her dad was hoping Johnny would record a message to her to see if that would help her wake up. Johnny obliged and did the recording in his Jack Sparrow voice from the Pirates of the Carribean movies. (I added the end in case you've been in a cave for the past five years and haven't heard of those flicks. You never know.)

From the source: Remarkably enough, the young girl began moving her right leg shortly after hearing the recording of Depp. The parents shed tears of joy to know that their daughter has hope of returning to life. Depp was apparently so touched with the letter written to him by Andrew, he committed himself to doing anything necessary to help out a fan and a young girl in need."

So yes. Proof once more that Cameron Diaz is an evil whore. She probably kicks puppies and pees on parked cars and stuff.

The Hogans Still Suck, and They're Getting Sued

The family of John Graziano, the passenger in Nick Hogan's car on the day of his accident and who has been in a coma, is now suing basically most of the Hogan family. Which is hilariously awesome. The only bitch left out is Brooke. Too bad, too.

According to DListed: The lawsuit cites 3 counts of negligence against Hulk and Nick, one against Linda and another count against the driver of the Dodge Viper that Nick was racing with.

Nick is also facing charges of reckless driving with serious bodily injury.

I get suing Nick and the other driver...but as much as I dislike Linda and Terry, how is it really their fault their kid got into this accident? It's not like they were there.

Oh well they're all a hot mess. Pay up, bitches.

Brangelina are Better than You

People magazine and WWTDD.com are reporting that Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie and her man-slave, Brad Pitt have donated a shitload of money. To be more to the point:

Pitt (gave) $4,402,317, and Jolie $4,123,613, the Huffington Post reports, citing newly released federal tax filings. (These latest figures don't include 2007 – in which, among other charitable efforts, Brad's Make It Right Foundation raised $5 million.)In terms of dispensing their funds, according to records for 2006, the foundation handed out $2,367,935, including $1 million to both Doctors Without Borders (International Division) and to the Global AIDS Alliance.Additional gifts included $137,935 to the Namibia Red Cross Action Program (their daughter Shiloh was born in the African country); $100,000 to the Daniel Pearl Foundation (the late journalist's widow, Marianne Pearl, was played by Jolie in A Mighty Heart); $100,000 to Global Green U.S.A. and to the Epidermolysis Bulloma Medical Research Foundation.In addition, $20,000 went to an art park in Los Angeles, as did separate $5,000 donations to two orphanages that Jolie had visited.

So it's safe to say they are cooler than you and me. Which is obvious. They have Maddox on their side. He just makes you cooler by default.

Where Are They Now? And How Much Money Do They Owe Janet?

I always figured the Jacksons must be doing okay for themselves because most of 'em we don't hear anything about. We obviously know how Jacko is about to lose his house and how Janet is still putting out records and making tons of cash. But over at DListed we got us a nice update on the rest of the fam:

Joseph Jackson, 79 and Katherine Jackson, 77
Dad hustles various girl groups in Las Vegas. Mom is still a stay-at-home housewife and the only family member in contact with Michael. Both have previously filed for bankruptcy
Janet Jackson, 41
The current family breadwinner. She bought her mom a Vegas home in anticipation of losing the family's mansion, Hayvenhurst, to foreclosure. Like their Neverland colleagues, workers at Hayvenhurst have not been paid for months.

La Toya Jackson, 52
Family turncoat who declared Michael guilty during the 1993 molestation case, she earns a living mostly in Europe and in the UAE judging beauty and singing contests. She lives with a wealthy boyfriend in Beverly Hills and has little contact with her siblings.

Rebbie Jackson, 57
The oldest, she's married to successful businessman Nathaniel Brown.

Tito Jackson, 55
Formed a blues band several years ago and plays at small venues for $500 to $1,500 a gig.

Michael Jackson, 49
On the verge of losing Neverland ranch as well as the family's Encino, Calif., home. He's hiding out in Las Vegas and repeatedly makes promises to his brothers while sabotaging any attempts by them to ply their musical trade.

Randy Jackson, 46
Does odd jobs like changing tires to support himself. He was Michael's business manager during the 2005 molestation trial but ran into serious problems with friends after he persuaded three people to take out lines of credits against their homes to help Michael pay his attorney fees and Michael stiffed them.

Marlon Jackson, 51
Lives in San Diego, where he works stocking groceries at a Vons supermarket. He fell on hard times three years ago when he was forced to leave his foreclosed home and move into an Extended Stay America hotel with his wife, Carol.

Jackie Jackson, 56
The oldest son started an Internet clothing business and is trying to produce records by his sons. Nothing has panned out.

Jermaine Jackson, 54
Splits time between the parents' Hayvenhurst mansion and his girlfriend's home in the San Fernando Valley. With more than $5 million in federal, state and other liens against him and a 1995 bankruptcy filing, he doesn't work or have a regular income.

Okay I thought the dude on American Idol was a Jackson. I guess not. Anywho, I mostly posted this so I'd have an excuse to post this little diddy that the bitches at DListed did to comment on the situation:

Janet needs a break! You know that every time she sees one of her brothers or sisters name come up on her caller id she tells Troll Dupri, "Fuck! Tell them I'm taking a shit!"

Hee. No way could I have done better than that. Except to say this: those bitches need jobs.

Look Out England!

Supposedly, everyone's favorite coke fiend is house-shopping in England. Courtney Love has declared she is tired of L.A. and thinks it will be a better place to live and raise her teenaged daughter, Frances Bean.

Says C. Love: "There are too many bad influences. Frances is also looking forward to the move to England."

Yeah, England. Home to Amy Winehouse, who generally looks like a walking overdose. I can see good things happening here.

Cute Dose of the Day

First off I need to say that Subway's footlong sammiches are $5 right now. And they lace that shit with crack becuase I just totally scared one in under 5 minutes. Yummy.

Anyway that's P. Diddy with his twin girls. They're at the finale of the new Making the Band like 47 or something. Don't care about that, just like how cute these girls are. So ignore the rest of the crap and just go "aw."

Yeah no hate. I'm a mommy now and I like looking at cute kids. Shoot me.

People Are Stupid

Certain retarded comments that had to be deleted because of their sheer stupidity made me think. Perhaps the tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic, assholey tone in which I snark on people on this blog confuse the less intelligent ones into thinking I'm actually fucking serious about any of the crap I post.

Therefore I'm gonna be crystal fucking clear. This site is about 99.9% satire. If you cannot handle it, go read CNN.com or something. No, I'm not stalking Angelina Jolie or any of her kids. I could care less if Papa Joe Simpson gets a hangnail. This site is purely for my amusement, and the amusement of the very few who read this. It is definately not for people who have no sense of humor.

Hope I don't piss off the FOUR readers I have. Sorry about the venting nature of this, but it felt like it needed to be said.

Now back to the bitches!

Lindsay Lohan Sucks Dick. OH REALLY?

Click the link in my sarcastic title for information of a supposed tape of Lindsay Lohan giving a boyfriend a blowjob. I'm more surprised by the "boyfriend" bit than the "blowjob video" bit.

If you are interested, check it out and let me know if it's any good. I can't be bothered. I'm still miffed over the Angelina Jolie thing.

Apparently She Hasn't Taken My Stalking Her as a Compliment...

Nevermind most straight dudes, lesbian women, and well, straight women too want to do nasty sexual things to her, Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie says she suffers from low self-esteem.

"I struggle with low self-esteem all the time. I think everyone does. I have so much wrong with me, it's unbelievable."

Yeah well most normal people who have low self-esteem look like me. Pale, boring, bad facial skin. Then there's YOU, Angelina Jolie. You have Brad Pitt as your fucking man slave. He could probably have any chick on the planet, but he does your every bidding. You're not hot AT ALL! To prove such, here are two more pictures of you not being a sexy goddess in the slightest.

KFed is Old

The parent who looks better by comparison turns 30 today. I'm sure he will celebrate with a moon pie and a shot of whiskey.

Happy birthday, KFed!

Kat Von D is a Bitch

Or at least that's what the bitches over at TelevisionWithoutPity.com want me to think. However, I am going to keep going with my theory that she's just kinda ditzy.

Here's Kat and the new "soulmate" Nikki Sixx at some event. Yeah, she has a new "soulmate" every year. First is was her icky husband, then that Orbi guy, now Nikki. Dude, last night there was a promo for her show wherein Orbi told some chick he was gonna ask Kat to marry him. I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here and say that relationship crashed and burned hardcore.

I think she gets too into her guys, but she's still hot shit and I won't hate on her.

Seriously?!?

So gladly I no longer feel any obligation to hold back the Madonna Hate. Not that I did before, but the bitch I used to hang with worshipped her old lady leotards. I still contend that she hasn't been good since the 90's.

Anyways. She's releasing another album. And the theme for this one is "boxing" or "old wannabe-english bitches boxing." I have no idea. Honestly, I think she said "botoxing" and the assistant misheard her and brought up boxing gloves and Maddy just ran with it. But that's just my opinion.

She also wants to be refered to as "M-Dolla" which sounds like an obscure shitty rapper name to me. Whatever she'll be screaming at people not to call her that in like three months because "that was then and she's in a different place now" or whatever excuse she uses as to why she doesn't play her old (good) music in concert.

Yes, I'm full of hate today. I had an extra helping of bitchflakes. But I'm at peace with it. I just look at that picture and I can smell old tuna. It makes me ill.

Yay Me

I just realized I've been doing this shit for over two years now. Wow I need to get a life.

Congratulations me.

The emo SpongeBob picture just made me happy. I have no other reason for using it.

Twins for Brangelina?

Yes I know this is a tired rumor, but some new bitch has confirmed it. And of course, it isn't Dame Goddess nor the Man Slave, but some other random person.

InTouch magazine is trying to confirm the twins bit. Sarah Bolger who was in that Spiderwick Chronicles movie is claiming she heard that they were gonna let Prince Maddox name one of them, and if one's a girl, he wants to name it Mallory after Sarah's character in the movie because it's one of his favorites.

"Angelina is saying in interviews that if one of the twins is a girl Maddox gets to name her and he has said Mallory because it's his favourite movie at the moment."

Considering Dame Goddess hasn't even confirmed she's preggo even though she's getting all big and obvious, I have no freaking clue where this chick got this information. She should keep her trap shut before Maddox has his minions take care of her. Because you know he has minions.

Heather Mills Has a Lot of Money

Does that mean we won't have to hear about this shit anymore? Is the damn divorce that actually made Yoko Ono look like a nice person finally over?

Basically, she walked away with about $50 million.

And she had a bunch of crap to say: "I am so, so happy. I’m so glad it’s over, it was an incredible result in the end to secure mine and my daughter’s future and that of all the charities that I obviously plan on helping and making a difference with - because you know it has been my life for 20 years. Obviously the court do not want a litigant in person to do well, it’s against everything that they ever wish, so when they write the judgment up they’re never going to make it look in favour. I am appealing against the publication of the judgement because it has so many private details about me and my daughter."

Paul was much more sweet and to the point: "All will be revealed."

I'm sure it will. And we'll be waiting patiently to find this shit out.

The Hogans Suck

Yeah I posted this old picture of The Hoff in drag because I think it's a more pleasant image than looking at that plastic surgery mess that is the Hogan Family. Sorry for any confusion, and giggle at bad drag for a moment before continuing.

Anyways. If you have forgotten, on August 26, 2007, douchbag son, Nick Hogan managed to royally fuck up his car, and not die. He did however, have a friend in the car. John Graziano, marine and Iraqi war veteran, suffered massive head injuries and has been in a coma ever since the accident. Initially, the family of John said it was fine if the Hogans wanted to trample their fake-in-bake tanned asses in to visit at the hospital, but apparently, they have now axed that.

According to the St. Petersburg Times: Linda, Brooke and Nick Bollea are no longer welcome at the hospital bedside of John Graziano. That's because the trio went to the hospital on Valentine's Day with gifts, and images of their arrival showed up on celebrity news Web sites, the Graziano family's attorneys said Wednesday. "We believe that it was a total (public relations) stunt," said attorney Kimberley Kohn."

"Bollea" is the legal last name for the Hogans if you didn't know. Yeah, I'd totally want my last name to be Hogan too. Not.

Also, they are getting sued:

Whether a lawsuit will be filed in the wreck is a question of when, not if, the family's attorneys said. The family faces "astronomical" costs to care for Graziano in the future, attorneys said. "We've tried very hard to avoid a circus atmosphere, which is very hard in this case," attorney George Tragos said."

So yeah. It's safe to say I think these people suck. I hope the family wins big time.

Royal Parade

Removed the original pictures because the folks at IDLYITW.com got threatened by lawyers and shit and I'm not a fan of that. Not that big rich lawyers are gonna sue some bitch with like three readers, but you never know. I don't need that headache. So if you wanna see the pictures, I'm sure they're on the net somewhere. Anyways. I replaced the fabulousness with a picture of C. Love being fabulously trashed and whoreish from the Pamela Anderson roast on Comedy Central forever ago. That shit still cracks me up. "I've been sober two months..." Yeah. In what universe? Now shut up and quit selling Kurt's shit for pills and coke. Bitch.

Ahem.

It is Queen Angelina Jolie taking the royal kids on a walk to get snacks at a store in New Orleans. All the commoners were allowed to genuflect at their feet. More pictures can be found at the source link from IDLYITW.com.

That is all.

Kat Von D & Nikki Sixx Are Doin' It

And they totally got matching tattoos.

Yeah in case you missed it, they're effing now. Fans are all pissy because on her show, LA Ink, she's still with now-ex Orbi. Nevermind that the show was filmed weeks and weeks ago. Apparently the majority of her fans aren't the brightest bulbs in the box.

Anywho, hope happiness for her and maybe in her joy she could, oh I dunno, come to my town and out of the goodness of her happy heart, give me a tattoo. No? Oh well it was worth a try.

Yeah I can't hate on Kat. I worship her too much.

Here Comes the Herpes!

Those dumbasses are letting Joe Francis outta jail. Aw. Just in time for Spring Break. Drunk skanky soroity hos everywhere rejoice.

According to DListed: They will also give Joe back his Ferrari and $60,000 they confiscated from him. Joe might be back in Los Angeles as early as tonight.

Yippee. Another strain of herpes to make its way to Parisite Hilton's vah-jay-jay.

OK Magazine Has Absolutely Nothing Else to Talk About

Apparently there was nothing else to talk about in this issue, because they interviewed Britney Spears and how BORED she is in her frigging huge mansion filled with clothes so expensive, they'd make me cry.

Although there is a good part of this article that makes it worth noticing. Apparently bitch has a shrine to her ex, Justin Timberlake. No shit?

According to a source: "She's obsessed with him. She has pictures of them together and has devoted a private area just to celebrate him."

That's hilarious. At least she realizes that was the last time in her life that she was considered hot and her veins didn't flow with pure Starbucks.

Tom Cruise is Still Crazy

Yeah we haven't talked about the King of Crazy in a while, so why not.

On the radio this morning, they talked about how $cientologists auditioned potential wives for Tom since he's too gay to find one of his own, thus finding Katie-Kate Holmes. Then I see on IDLYITW.com about how apparently, Katie-Kate, the chick he destroyed Oprah's couch for, was actually his LAST choice.

According to the source:

...ex-Scientologist Marc Headley, abso-Xenu-lutely! Marc, who used to produce promotional films for the religion, spoke to Britain's News of the World and said that following Tom's split from Penelope Cruz in 2004, the megastar told his BFF (and head of Scientology) David Miscavige that he was having trouble meeting women. So the church sent out a casting call that said, "There's an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition." There were of course restrictions: You had to be single, pretty and in your twenties. While a few female Scientologists were rounded up - Traffic's Erika Christensen and CSI: Miami's Sofia Milos - they were all rejected as Tom focused his attention on bigger stars. "They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order," Marc says. "Jennifer and Jessica didn't bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood, she freaked out and didn't do a tape..."

"Having trouble meeting women..." Hee hee. Anyways. That oughta make Katie-Kate thrilled that she signed that contract. If she's even allowed to feel anymore unless Tom lets her.

I'd Better be Invited

Rumor is that George Clooney, longtime dedicated bachelor, is marrying his girlfriend whom he's been dating since mid-2007.

One restaurant worker in Laglio, the town where Clooney has a villa, said: 'They haven't made any announcement yet, but there are people in this town who know more than me. They say the couple are already engaged.' Since Sarah met George she has ditched her £100,000-a-year job to join the jet-set, and has since enjoyed romantic trips to Venice, Dubai, Miami and his Lake Como hideaway. But it was the Oscars destination that really set tongues wagging: Sarah was the first woman to be invited to walk the red carpet with Clooney. George previously enjoyed romances with Renee Zellweger and Lisa Snowdon but, the source says, he's finally found someone 'he wants to really give it a go with'."

I'm eagerly awaiting my invitation to this wedding. It'll be easy. Just walk outside your house, and to the shrubs where I'm staking out and hand it to me. Heh. Not really.

Proof that Nickelback Really Does Suck...Literally

This mental image creeped me out for the rest of the damn day, so I'm sharing it with all of you so we can share a bottle of Brain Bleach.

Chad Kroeger of shitty Canadian band Nickelback recently told some reporter that he can suck his own penis.

"I put my own dick in my mouth. I was 14 and much more flexible at the time. It was soft and required a lot of pulling. I really wanted that case of beer."

Proving that he is forever college frat boy idol forever, and also, that he is a douchebag. Ew. Seriously. My day is ruined.

Happy Birthday Johnny Knoxville

To a man who has made his living getting kicked in the nuts, happy 37th Johnny Knoxville. Holy crap what? Knoxville is 37?? I had no idea that dipshit was that old. Geez. No wonder he's doing movies now. Getting a little old to get in golf cart crashes, aren't we?

Goddess and Her Love Slave Moving to France

She must've overheard my plans to stalk them in Springfield, Missouri because they are moving to France to have the new baby. Dammit!

Angelina's mum, actress Marcheline Bertrand, died last year and the star wants to embrace her French heritage by bringing up her new tot over there. After months of house-hunting Brad and Angelina - who revealed her bump in a tight black dress at the weekend - have bought a chateau in the south of France and plan to make it their family home...The source added: "Angelina is proud of her French roots and wants her latest addition to be born and raised there."

Well they change their minds about once every ten minutes as to where they're going to live. I remember when they were gonna stay in New Orleans. Then they bought a house in Springfield and I wet myself. Now it's France. Well, we shall see.

Steve-O in Jail

Really, it's not that surprising.

He was beating holes into the walls of his apartment, his neighbor heard, and apparently sat on him or something until the cops showed up to arrest his ass.

He's supposedly going to be charged with vandilizing.

The only reason I posted this is because I re-watched that Jackass movie over the weekend and it reminded me how completely disgusting Steve-O is and it made me wonder how the hell he has EVER gotten laid.