What in the GD Hell Happened to Gary Dourdan???

Seriously, unemployment has done nothing good for him. I don't care what drugs you are on, speedos are NEVER good for anyone. I don't even know why they are sold. They should be illegal.

But anywho. He's apparently doing the same drugs Amy Winehouse is into - the type that makes you completely unattractive in every way possible. The chick is with isn't bad though. Too bad she couldn't talk him out of wearing those god-awful man-panties.

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Random Acts of Crap

Tom Cruise named in lawsuit against $cientology. Somehow I doubt the hobbit is shaking in his panties over this. - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Jamie Lynn Spears is gonna marry her baby-daddy. - The Superficial

Britney Spears is doing the nasty with her bodyguard. - IDLYITW

Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie as Catwoman? Makes sense to me. - WWTDD?

Nerd Alert!

And I'm totally the nerd. I just found the trailer for the new Harry Potter flick: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and it made me super happy. It comes out in November, and I cannot wait because I'm a giant nerd like that. You can laugh, I'm at one with my nerdness.

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Random Acts of Crap

They felt the earthquake yesterday at the Judge Judy set. - DListed

Coolest reunion ever. - Celebitchy

God today is slow!

Brooke Hogan is Still an Idiot

One of Brooke's handlers needs to take away her computer. She posted some more crap on her MySpace about how eeeevil the media is and how bad they make her look. As if she needs help in that department.

Monday, July 28, 2008
Stupid people of the press
Heres how stupid and inaccurate the media can be…
According to the press I didn’t show up to my brothers 18th birthday at the jail.
Lets see…
*hes in jail
*Its an important birthday…the big 18!!!
*I’m only a 4 hour drive to Tampa
*He’s the most important thing in my life.
They must have thought I didn’t show cause they didn’t SEE me. uhh…there’s such thing as a back door you jerks.
In conclusion…That goes to show you that you can’t believe anything you watch on TV or read in magazines. Cause people will make up BS without even knowing the facts. Hey Media! Why don’t you gather facts, check them, and then give the public the truth? That might work. Oh no…I forgot. You make too much money telling LIES.
Needless to say, I WAS there for my brother on his birthday because he is my best friend and NOTHING comes before family.

I don't care whether she was there or not. What I want to know is if Queen Nicky is anybody's boyfriend yet! Oh I hope they chola'd him out a la Celia in the 4th season of Weeds! Ha! The thought of Queen Nicky with sharpie eyebrows makes me happy.

Because of this, I used the Celia picture for this post. I just couldn't stomach another horsey picture of Brooke Hogan. I know everyone agrees!

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Random Acts of Crap

Courtney Love is "kookoo bananas." Yeah, sounds about right. Hey Courtney, have you found your husband's ashes yet? Dipshit probably lost them in the couch coushins or something. - Holy Moly

Ryan Seacrest bit by shark, but not eaten. I guess sharks don't like his ass either. - DListed

Shia Lebeouf still a douchebag with a pain in the ass last name. - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Another classy leaked camera-phone picture from Miley Cyrus. - IDLYITW

What in the GD Hell is She Wearing???

Okay, real-life Layla for a minute. I love Tori Amos. I have a shrine to her at home, and I worship at it every freaking morning. I also know she is just in character for her new album, American Doll Posse, and the hot-red wig is her "Tori" personna. I also know she has a very unique fashion sense.

All this being said, who the FUCK let her leave the house in the Vampirella looking shit??? C'mon now! How am I supposed to worship a Goddess who gives me fucking nightmares??? Dammit!

THAT being said, I want her new comic book like right now. Thanks. Back to Snarky Layla now.

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"Amy is Doing Fine."

And by "fine," Mitch Winehouse means "completely stoned all the fucking time." What a moron. It looks like her face is rotting off. When is someone with a brain gonna step in and do something before Amy Winehouse fucking kills herself??? This shit is not funny anymore. She's killing herself in front of the entire world and all her FATHER can say is that she "is doing fine." IDIOT!

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Madonna is Now a Zombie

Quick someone hit this bitch with a cricket bat! Holy fuck Maddy looks like shit. I'd say the divorce must be taking it out of her, but we all know she's milking that drama for all the publicity she can.

Anywho, rumor also has it that she is a ghostwriter on the book her brother wrote. Which is not shocking either.

Says a source: "She actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That's why there's nothing too devastating in Chris's book. He's mean to others, but not so much to his sister."

Meh. I'm still gonna read that shit.

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Look Closely at Pharrell Williams, Because You Will Never See Him Again.

Pharrell Williams worked with Madonna on her new album, Hard Candy. However, not even his talent could save it. I hear it is a pile of crap. I wouldn't know, I don't give a shit enough to listen to it.

Anywho, he was asked what he liked most about Queen Vadge and he had this to say: "She sure knows how to milk publicity and create a publicity stunt."

Well, yeah, she knew that shit from birth. But you're not supposed to talk about it, dude. She's gonna sic her crazy ass lawyers on you now. Run, bitch, run!

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Brooke Hogan Says She's a Liar

Apparently man-woman Brooke Hogan signed something saying she agreed that her father Hulk Hogan beat on her mother, Linda, during her marriage. This paper was then used by Linda to get that restraining order on Hulk. (Remember? The one we heard about when she made the 911 call saying he was stalking her, but really, she was FOLLOWING HIM? Oh yeah.)

Anywho, Brooke is now saying she was lying when she signed that and her mother pressured her into it at a time when she was pissed at her dad.

Says Brooke: "I did it under significant pressure from my mother...It was only after I learned all the facts that I realized I made a big mistake in signing it."

Rumor also has it that she is icked out by the fact that her mother is cougared up with some 19-year-old kid who looks a lot like Queen Nicky, who is currently in jail and might get transferred to the adult side after this weekend. (Ha awesome!)

"I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her," she says. "But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again."

Whatever. I'm tired of her ass and they can all jump in the ocean and drown for all I care.

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Amy Winehouse Looks Totally Sober

She was in hospital where a doctor told her to sober up and quit smoking ciggies or she'd be dead in a year.

Sobriety is working out REAL WELL, isn't it?

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This is Amy Winehouse's Mother-in-Law

And boy she looks like she'd kick some ass. No wonder Amy didn't show up for Blake's sentencing. She was scared of this bitch. I would be too! Damn. She looks scary. She might whoop the crackhive in shape, though, you never know. Her name is Georgettte which is fitting. She also has this "Whatever" look. She must've been expecting bad things because Blake got 27 months on top of what he's already served. She's like "Meh. Back home I go."

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Christian Bale Being Held for Questioning

I know he's Batman now. But still when I see Christian Bale I think of American Psycho, and him, naked chasing a hooker, covered in blood, with a chainsaw. Good times.

Anywho, he's been arrested in suspicion of hitting his mom. His mom and sister filed a complaint in London. According to The UK Sun: He is alleged to have lashed out on Sunday night at Park Lane’s Dorchester Hotel — where he has a suite.Mum Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40, who lives in Dorset, went to a police station in Hampshire yesterday to lodge the allegation. The matter was referred to the Met Police.
Detectives, well aware of last night’s glittering bash, took the decision not to approach Bale yesterday. But they are expected to make attempts to quiz the Wales-born actor today.
A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.
“But Mr Bale will be contacted at the earliest opportunity and be asked to provide an account of anything that happened.”
A Met Police spokesman said: “We can confirm we have received allegation from another force in relation to an alleged incident in central London.”

He was arrested and is being held for questioning. Bad Batman! No cookie!

I dunno. I got nothing. I guess I'll wait and see if he did it and then make fun of him for being a mom-beating asshole.

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I Know I Won't be Watching This Shit...

There is a lot of crap I will watch out of morbid curiousity. A sex tape featuring Madonna and A-Rod are no where on that list. On my list of nightmares, yes. Ew! Wonderful, now I have mental images. Gotta run some bleachwater over my eyeballs now.

Anywho, some guy is claiming he secretly taped Vadge and the baseball star in the apartment where they liked to sneak off and rub their musclies together. He'd found out where they liked to go, and snuck in and set the place up with cameras.

Nevermind this shit is illegal if he DID film them. He's gonna try to make some money off it before Madonna's super crazy lawyers from another planet get ahold of him. Seriously, the only lawyers more powerful than hers are Tom Cruise's. You don't want to mess with those bitches!

Either way, I'm not watching this shit. A ho has to have standards.

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Dumb Bitch!

Brooke Hogan has a show called Brooke Knows Best because she's the only Hogan with mroe than half a brain cell and because VH1 will give any dumbass their own show. Anywho, on the latest episode, she was interviewing some chick to be roommates with her. The chick asked her who she was voting for in the presidential election. This was her response: "You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?"

This ho needs bitch-slapped. Way to set women back a couple hundred years, ya dipshit.

God I hate this entire family. Why can't they OD on steriods and put me out of my misery?

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Yep, They Are Still Creepy.

In case you forgot, Tom Cruise and his robot wife are still the creepiest creeps to ever creep. They look like they'd like to eat your soul, don't they? Don't worry, I have my aluminum foil hat on. I'm safe.

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Chestica Gets Booed

If you care, Chestica Simpson made a country album and said she was "planning on making country [music] for the rest of my life" like she was awesome at it or something. However, as we all know, that is not the case. And we don't even have to hear her songs to know this.

She played a show in Wisconsin and the crowd sure let her know.

Skepticism was elevated hours before Jessica Simpson's debut country performance, opening for Sara Evans, Saturday night at Country Thunder. With only one country single released, fans doubted if the pop diva could stack up against other country music acts. "Just because she's dating Tony Romo it doesn't make her country," said Mike Rodriguez, 31, from Lake Geneva. "She doesn't fit in with country, and I'll have to drink a lot of beer to sit through her concert." Zach Schlodt, 19, of Palatine, Ill., agreed.", Simpson's heart isn't in country music, and she is just banking on the genre's current popularity, he said. "She's an embarrassment to country music," he added...One man summed her performance up in a single word. "It's crap," said Ryan Sia, 28, from East Troy. "She doesn't belong here."

Well that about sums it up! The last guy was the best. I'll bet somewhere Papa Joe is just steaming mad that he didn't manage to buy off these people pre-show.

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Random Acts of Crap

The Dark Knight opened on Friday and broke records. Duh. - IDLYITW

DMX gets arrested AGAIN. Is this dude ever not in jail? - The Superficial

Britney to family: I am not an ATM! Ooookay... - DListed

Top Gun 2? Please say no. - SeriouslyOMG

Patrick Swayze still doing well recovering from cancer. - DListed

Child Custody Thing Might be Settled for Britney and KFed

In the million-year custody hearing between Britney Spears and ex Kevin Federline, an agreement may have been reached according to OK. Shockingly [not] Brit basically signed the kids over to him.

In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today. Kaplan tells OK!, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner." Kaplan adds, "Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving."

There was a time when I thought no respectful court would give KFed custody of any living thing, even a damned goldfish. Now he seems to have cleaned up enough to be a responsible parent and Britney is the one to worry about. She's seemed to be doing okay over the last few months though, so I hope it stays that way. Sorry, no snark here. I still think the girl was in a severe bad way and actual mental illness is nothing to laugh at.

Back to snark.

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