A Match Made in Crack Heaven

Now I see why Amy Winehouse married Blake Fielder-Civil. He's just sooooooo charming.

Ugh. I'm off to scrub my eyeballs with a Brillo pad and Comet.

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What in Plastic Surgery Hell???

I am assuming this is a rumor. It just has to be. I mean, Pammy Anderson doesn't exactly have the best taste in men, but since she's mother to two young boys, I don't see her dating a [possible] pedophile.

However, the Mirror UK is reporting that she and Michael Jackson have had some sort of secret creepy love affair thing going on. Ew. I'm going to have nightmares for a week for just typing that shit out.

The odd couple seem to have bonded over their love of plastic surgery and have been hooking up in Malibu. We hear the big-boobed babe is a massive fan of Michael... and it seems the feeling is mutual. A source said: "It was all arranged by their people in total secrecy, very cloak and dagger. Michael is such a private person. He gets nervous when he thinks people are following him around, so he chose somewhere neutral for their first date. "They arrived separately at the Shutters Hotel on Malibu Beach so no one would suspect anything and then had a few drinks in the bar." The pair requested a hidden area in the corner - for two reasons. Firstly, it shielded them from any prying eyes. And second, it would have protected them from the dangerous melting effects of the Californian sunshine. After all, there's a fine line between looking hot and having a runny, bubbling face. Our source went on: "They were very chatty. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off." So much so Michael plucked up the courage to ask Pammy out on a second date. And she was more than happy to accept. We're told: "They went for a coffee at Country Mart in Malibu and looked very comfortable with each other. "They chatted about Michael turning 50, his new album, their kids. And he seemed genuinely interested in Pamela."

I know that's a lot to quote. But I'm skeeved out, and couldn't be arsed to read it all myself. I'm going to go soak my brain in bleach now.

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More Weirdo Death Stuff

Today just must be the day for weird stuff happening with dead people. Earlier was somebody writing the most awesome tribute to their mother ever, and now this.

24-year old Angel Pantoja Medina of Puerto Rico was found dead under a bridge. The investigation is still going on as to what happened to him, but its still said. 24 is pretty young to die. But apparently he'd told his mother should he die, he'd like to have his funeral standing. Like, with HIM standing. Ick. So she did.

The funeral home said they had to use a special embalming process to make him stand. His brother said "He wanted to be happy, standing."

I dunno how happy he is. He is dead, after all.

I'm officially creeped out. Ew. If you care, there are more pictures of the wake in his mom's living room with him, standing up, at my source.

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I Know I Won't be Watching This Shit...

There is a lot of crap I will watch out of morbid curiousity. A sex tape featuring Madonna and A-Rod are no where on that list. On my list of nightmares, yes. Ew! Wonderful, now I have mental images. Gotta run some bleachwater over my eyeballs now.

Anywho, some guy is claiming he secretly taped Vadge and the baseball star in the apartment where they liked to sneak off and rub their musclies together. He'd found out where they liked to go, and snuck in and set the place up with cameras.

Nevermind this shit is illegal if he DID film them. He's gonna try to make some money off it before Madonna's super crazy lawyers from another planet get ahold of him. Seriously, the only lawyers more powerful than hers are Tom Cruise's. You don't want to mess with those bitches!

Either way, I'm not watching this shit. A ho has to have standards.

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More Proof Hulk Hogan Freaks Me the Hell Out

One of these dykish blonde bitches is Brooke Hogan (Hulk's daughter) and the other is his girlfriend. Someone will have to tell me which is which because I cannot fucking tell. And that skeezes me out.

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Billy Bob Thornton Has Lost His Damn Mind

At a launch party for his new album (stop laughing), Billy Bob Thornton said something quite amusing regarding his ex, Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie.

He said: "She is just going through a high school phase. You know dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She'll be waking up from that dream in no time. Who knows if I'll be there when she's ready to come to her senses though."

I really really hope he was joking. Brad Pitt may be a mindless man slave to Angie and the kids, but most women you ask would rather have sex with him a million times over than even to see Billy Bob without a shirt. The thought made me throw up in my mouth a little. Ew!

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Different Strokes...

This guy doesn't like chicks. He doesn't like dudes. He likes cars. In the sexual sense. Meaning, he likes to fuck cars. Don't ask me how it's done, I don't want to know. Today is not a good day for my poor brain. The mental images are going to send me to the loony bin.

"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change. I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."

I guess he's not hurting anybody? Can a car say "no?"

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Old Boobs!

She probably thinks she's being so edgy right now. Really, I'm not looking at this picture without the blurry line for fear I'll die of revulsion. If you are brave, go here. If you get sick and die, don't blame me. I warned you.

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Jean-Claude Van Damme to John Mayer: "MY Body is a Wonderland!"

Uh, no. This is even more perverse than the Carrot Top picture. Excuse me while I vomit.

This picture is apparently from the Cannes festival, where he is proving to some fans that he still has it. If by "it" he means funky old man boobs, then yes. He definately has it.

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John Mayer's Body is a Wonderland. Ew.

So obviously Jennifer Aniston is elated that some dude is sticking around. Maybe she'll get to have that kid and give Dame Goddess the middle finger like she's been wanting to do for like 3 years now.

Apparently there's some other reason to love John Mayer, also known as "Chestica Simpson's sloppy seconds."

According to NY Daily News: "She's just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character," said one spy.

The reason can't just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner's ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he's a great guy, but because he's a "great" guy, if you know what we mean."His body actually is a wonderland," one ex was overheard saying.

Which if you are daft, means he has a big penis. Ew. Congrats, Jen? I dunno about that.

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Yay, Nightmares!

I don't care who you are, Carrot Top is freaking creepy looking. He's like a red smurf on steroids. Ew.

This picture is from the Country Music Awards. Why the crap he went, I have no clue.

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Lunch Ruined - AGAIN!

It's like watching the birth of AIDS and herpes and bird flu and the clap all at once. Seriously. It's like a match made in crack heaven.

Amy Winehouse threw a party and of course, fellow crackhead Pete Doherty atteneded. God forbid a camera NOT be there when he decides to kiss her goodbye. Ew.

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A Crack Whore in the Woods

Hey, my lunch was ruined today, so now I'm ruining yours.

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Wow. Just....Wow.

Just when you think you've seen the dumbest bitches ever to walk the earth, you see someone even dumber. Case in point:

Three Kingwood teens have been arrested and accused of digging up a secluded grave and removing a skull in Humble, a city north of Houston.

Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, told Houston police that around March 15 they and a 16-year old juvenile dug up a grave, removed the skull from the coffin and converted it into a "bong," a device used to smoke marijuana, according to court documents.

Houston police believe the teens disturbed the grave of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.

I've been pretty fucking stoned before, but never THIS stoned. This must be what they mean when they say "you have smoked yourself retarded." Look at this dipshits! You know they're sitting there like "Duh, this just totally ruined my high..."

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Nice Try, Roseanne

So George Clooney did a screening of his new flick Leatherheads and had a little chat with a critic from Rolling Stone regarding his early days in acting. If you remember, he had a spot on Roseanne, the show starring the original loudmouth, Roseanne Barr. Now I love her. She's funny. But she's also very unattractive and she had to be joking to think George effing Clooney would ever want to see her naked, let alone do sexy things with her. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

According to People, he said of the incident: "I worked on her first series, and when I met her she said, 'You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink.' She was unbelievably kind to me at a time when no one was."

Wow what a line. I'm sure he was just blown away. And I'm sure she stank already.

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Madonna is Shocking!

More like revolting. I saw this picture and threw up in my mouth a little. I hope that backup dancer got an antibiotic when she got offstage because God knows what's in that mouth. Screw the antibiotic...she probably needs valtrex and a shot of whiskey. Maddy has sucked a lot of peen in her day. She used to fuck Vanilla Ice. Ugh I'd forgotten about that. She'll fuck anybody, won't she?

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Papa Joe Simpson is Delusional

Apparently Papa Joe Perv has been shopping around to various magazines the exclusive rights to talk to daughter Ashlee about her pregnancy, and later the rights to the first pictures of the offspring. His asking price? One million dollars. The magazines were less than enthusiastic.

Page Six: The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it," our source said. Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million. One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album ['Bittersweet World'] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee's lucky she got pregnant, frankly." But even with the marriage announcement, "Joe has an unrealistic expectation of what Ashlee can command," the editor said."

"Lucky she got pregnant" eh? I'm getting a sicky ew ew feeling. I'm going to go pour bleach on my eyeballs now.

C. Love in a Bikini

Well, at least she's not fat. Or bloated. She just looks like an emaciated zombie with plastic surgery scars. Ew.