What in the GD Hell Happened to Gary Dourdan???

Seriously, unemployment has done nothing good for him. I don't care what drugs you are on, speedos are NEVER good for anyone. I don't even know why they are sold. They should be illegal.

But anywho. He's apparently doing the same drugs Amy Winehouse is into - the type that makes you completely unattractive in every way possible. The chick is with isn't bad though. Too bad she couldn't talk him out of wearing those god-awful man-panties.

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Random Acts of Crap

Tom Cruise named in lawsuit against $cientology. Somehow I doubt the hobbit is shaking in his panties over this. - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Jamie Lynn Spears is gonna marry her baby-daddy. - The Superficial

Britney Spears is doing the nasty with her bodyguard. - IDLYITW

Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie as Catwoman? Makes sense to me. - WWTDD?

Nerd Alert!

And I'm totally the nerd. I just found the trailer for the new Harry Potter flick: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and it made me super happy. It comes out in November, and I cannot wait because I'm a giant nerd like that. You can laugh, I'm at one with my nerdness.

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Random Acts of Crap

They felt the earthquake yesterday at the Judge Judy set. - DListed

Coolest reunion ever. - Celebitchy

God today is slow!

Brooke Hogan is Still an Idiot

One of Brooke's handlers needs to take away her computer. She posted some more crap on her MySpace about how eeeevil the media is and how bad they make her look. As if she needs help in that department.

Monday, July 28, 2008
Stupid people of the press
Heres how stupid and inaccurate the media can be…
According to the press I didn’t show up to my brothers 18th birthday at the jail.
Lets see…
*hes in jail
*Its an important birthday…the big 18!!!
*I’m only a 4 hour drive to Tampa
*He’s the most important thing in my life.
They must have thought I didn’t show cause they didn’t SEE me. uhh…there’s such thing as a back door you jerks.
In conclusion…That goes to show you that you can’t believe anything you watch on TV or read in magazines. Cause people will make up BS without even knowing the facts. Hey Media! Why don’t you gather facts, check them, and then give the public the truth? That might work. Oh no…I forgot. You make too much money telling LIES.
Needless to say, I WAS there for my brother on his birthday because he is my best friend and NOTHING comes before family.

I don't care whether she was there or not. What I want to know is if Queen Nicky is anybody's boyfriend yet! Oh I hope they chola'd him out a la Celia in the 4th season of Weeds! Ha! The thought of Queen Nicky with sharpie eyebrows makes me happy.

Because of this, I used the Celia picture for this post. I just couldn't stomach another horsey picture of Brooke Hogan. I know everyone agrees!

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Random Acts of Crap

Courtney Love is "kookoo bananas." Yeah, sounds about right. Hey Courtney, have you found your husband's ashes yet? Dipshit probably lost them in the couch coushins or something. - Holy Moly

Ryan Seacrest bit by shark, but not eaten. I guess sharks don't like his ass either. - DListed

Shia Lebeouf still a douchebag with a pain in the ass last name. - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Another classy leaked camera-phone picture from Miley Cyrus. - IDLYITW

What in the GD Hell is She Wearing???

Okay, real-life Layla for a minute. I love Tori Amos. I have a shrine to her at home, and I worship at it every freaking morning. I also know she is just in character for her new album, American Doll Posse, and the hot-red wig is her "Tori" personna. I also know she has a very unique fashion sense.

All this being said, who the FUCK let her leave the house in the Vampirella looking shit??? C'mon now! How am I supposed to worship a Goddess who gives me fucking nightmares??? Dammit!

THAT being said, I want her new comic book like right now. Thanks. Back to Snarky Layla now.

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"Amy is Doing Fine."

And by "fine," Mitch Winehouse means "completely stoned all the fucking time." What a moron. It looks like her face is rotting off. When is someone with a brain gonna step in and do something before Amy Winehouse fucking kills herself??? This shit is not funny anymore. She's killing herself in front of the entire world and all her FATHER can say is that she "is doing fine." IDIOT!

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Madonna is Now a Zombie

Quick someone hit this bitch with a cricket bat! Holy fuck Maddy looks like shit. I'd say the divorce must be taking it out of her, but we all know she's milking that drama for all the publicity she can.

Anywho, rumor also has it that she is a ghostwriter on the book her brother wrote. Which is not shocking either.

Says a source: "She actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That's why there's nothing too devastating in Chris's book. He's mean to others, but not so much to his sister."

Meh. I'm still gonna read that shit.

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Look Closely at Pharrell Williams, Because You Will Never See Him Again.

Pharrell Williams worked with Madonna on her new album, Hard Candy. However, not even his talent could save it. I hear it is a pile of crap. I wouldn't know, I don't give a shit enough to listen to it.

Anywho, he was asked what he liked most about Queen Vadge and he had this to say: "She sure knows how to milk publicity and create a publicity stunt."

Well, yeah, she knew that shit from birth. But you're not supposed to talk about it, dude. She's gonna sic her crazy ass lawyers on you now. Run, bitch, run!

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Brooke Hogan Says She's a Liar

Apparently man-woman Brooke Hogan signed something saying she agreed that her father Hulk Hogan beat on her mother, Linda, during her marriage. This paper was then used by Linda to get that restraining order on Hulk. (Remember? The one we heard about when she made the 911 call saying he was stalking her, but really, she was FOLLOWING HIM? Oh yeah.)

Anywho, Brooke is now saying she was lying when she signed that and her mother pressured her into it at a time when she was pissed at her dad.

Says Brooke: "I did it under significant pressure from my mother...It was only after I learned all the facts that I realized I made a big mistake in signing it."

Rumor also has it that she is icked out by the fact that her mother is cougared up with some 19-year-old kid who looks a lot like Queen Nicky, who is currently in jail and might get transferred to the adult side after this weekend. (Ha awesome!)

"I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her," she says. "But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again."

Whatever. I'm tired of her ass and they can all jump in the ocean and drown for all I care.

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Amy Winehouse Looks Totally Sober

She was in hospital where a doctor told her to sober up and quit smoking ciggies or she'd be dead in a year.

Sobriety is working out REAL WELL, isn't it?

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This is Amy Winehouse's Mother-in-Law

And boy she looks like she'd kick some ass. No wonder Amy didn't show up for Blake's sentencing. She was scared of this bitch. I would be too! Damn. She looks scary. She might whoop the crackhive in shape, though, you never know. Her name is Georgettte which is fitting. She also has this "Whatever" look. She must've been expecting bad things because Blake got 27 months on top of what he's already served. She's like "Meh. Back home I go."

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Christian Bale Being Held for Questioning

I know he's Batman now. But still when I see Christian Bale I think of American Psycho, and him, naked chasing a hooker, covered in blood, with a chainsaw. Good times.

Anywho, he's been arrested in suspicion of hitting his mom. His mom and sister filed a complaint in London. According to The UK Sun: He is alleged to have lashed out on Sunday night at Park Lane’s Dorchester Hotel — where he has a suite.Mum Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40, who lives in Dorset, went to a police station in Hampshire yesterday to lodge the allegation. The matter was referred to the Met Police.
Detectives, well aware of last night’s glittering bash, took the decision not to approach Bale yesterday. But they are expected to make attempts to quiz the Wales-born actor today.
A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.
“But Mr Bale will be contacted at the earliest opportunity and be asked to provide an account of anything that happened.”
A Met Police spokesman said: “We can confirm we have received allegation from another force in relation to an alleged incident in central London.”

He was arrested and is being held for questioning. Bad Batman! No cookie!

I dunno. I got nothing. I guess I'll wait and see if he did it and then make fun of him for being a mom-beating asshole.

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I Know I Won't be Watching This Shit...

There is a lot of crap I will watch out of morbid curiousity. A sex tape featuring Madonna and A-Rod are no where on that list. On my list of nightmares, yes. Ew! Wonderful, now I have mental images. Gotta run some bleachwater over my eyeballs now.

Anywho, some guy is claiming he secretly taped Vadge and the baseball star in the apartment where they liked to sneak off and rub their musclies together. He'd found out where they liked to go, and snuck in and set the place up with cameras.

Nevermind this shit is illegal if he DID film them. He's gonna try to make some money off it before Madonna's super crazy lawyers from another planet get ahold of him. Seriously, the only lawyers more powerful than hers are Tom Cruise's. You don't want to mess with those bitches!

Either way, I'm not watching this shit. A ho has to have standards.

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Dumb Bitch!

Brooke Hogan has a show called Brooke Knows Best because she's the only Hogan with mroe than half a brain cell and because VH1 will give any dumbass their own show. Anywho, on the latest episode, she was interviewing some chick to be roommates with her. The chick asked her who she was voting for in the presidential election. This was her response: "You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?"

This ho needs bitch-slapped. Way to set women back a couple hundred years, ya dipshit.

God I hate this entire family. Why can't they OD on steriods and put me out of my misery?

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Yep, They Are Still Creepy.

In case you forgot, Tom Cruise and his robot wife are still the creepiest creeps to ever creep. They look like they'd like to eat your soul, don't they? Don't worry, I have my aluminum foil hat on. I'm safe.

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Chestica Gets Booed

If you care, Chestica Simpson made a country album and said she was "planning on making country [music] for the rest of my life" like she was awesome at it or something. However, as we all know, that is not the case. And we don't even have to hear her songs to know this.

She played a show in Wisconsin and the crowd sure let her know.

Skepticism was elevated hours before Jessica Simpson's debut country performance, opening for Sara Evans, Saturday night at Country Thunder. With only one country single released, fans doubted if the pop diva could stack up against other country music acts. "Just because she's dating Tony Romo it doesn't make her country," said Mike Rodriguez, 31, from Lake Geneva. "She doesn't fit in with country, and I'll have to drink a lot of beer to sit through her concert." Zach Schlodt, 19, of Palatine, Ill., agreed.", Simpson's heart isn't in country music, and she is just banking on the genre's current popularity, he said. "She's an embarrassment to country music," he added...One man summed her performance up in a single word. "It's crap," said Ryan Sia, 28, from East Troy. "She doesn't belong here."

Well that about sums it up! The last guy was the best. I'll bet somewhere Papa Joe is just steaming mad that he didn't manage to buy off these people pre-show.

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Random Acts of Crap

The Dark Knight opened on Friday and broke records. Duh. - IDLYITW

DMX gets arrested AGAIN. Is this dude ever not in jail? - The Superficial

Britney to family: I am not an ATM! Ooookay... - DListed

Top Gun 2? Please say no. - SeriouslyOMG

Patrick Swayze still doing well recovering from cancer. - DListed

Child Custody Thing Might be Settled for Britney and KFed

In the million-year custody hearing between Britney Spears and ex Kevin Federline, an agreement may have been reached according to OK. Shockingly [not] Brit basically signed the kids over to him.

In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today. Kaplan tells OK!, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner." Kaplan adds, "Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving."

There was a time when I thought no respectful court would give KFed custody of any living thing, even a damned goldfish. Now he seems to have cleaned up enough to be a responsible parent and Britney is the one to worry about. She's seemed to be doing okay over the last few months though, so I hope it stays that way. Sorry, no snark here. I still think the girl was in a severe bad way and actual mental illness is nothing to laugh at.

Back to snark.

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Random Acts of Crap

Katie Price had a boob job - no shit! - IDLYITW

Jennifer Gartner and Ben Affleck might be expecting a second child. - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Desperate Housewives will end after its 7th season. Shortly thereafter, Eva Longoria's career will also end. - DListed

More Proof Hulk Hogan Freaks Me the Hell Out

One of these dykish blonde bitches is Brooke Hogan (Hulk's daughter) and the other is his girlfriend. Someone will have to tell me which is which because I cannot fucking tell. And that skeezes me out.

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Andy Dick Got Arrested

And his mugshot makes him look like a pedo vampire. If you care, check out details here. I just wanted to make fun of his picture. It will come of no shock to you, but it involves drugs, a 17-year-old waitress, and Buffalo Wild Wings. That's all I'm sayin.'

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Rampage on a Rampage...Ha Ha, I'm So Witty.

I'm only talking about this because my husband is huge into UFC and I know Quentin "Rampage" Jackson just lost the championship belt to Forrest Griffin not too long ago so I dunno if those things are related. But also, look at his big truck with the big picture of him on the side...pure awesome.

Anywho, he got his shit arrested.

Rampage was on the 55 Freeway in the O.C., hit two cars and got off the freeway. The chase was on.Rampage then began driving on the center divider. But it gets worse. According to the police report, Jackson then drove on the sidewalk, "causing pedestrians to flee for their lives." He started driving the wrong way on a crowded street, colliding with yet another car in an intersection. As he continued on, running several red lights, his tire disintegrated and he began driving on the rim.
Rampage eventually got to the exclusive Balboa Peninsula in Newport Beach, where he again drove on the sidewalk, "causing pedestrians to flee in terror."
Eventually, his car came to a stop and he was taken into custody at gunpoint. Cops took him to the Orange County Jail, but they determined he was "medically unfit" to be booked. Cops won't say if he was high.

He was probably stoned and thought he was IN a game of Grand Theft Auto or some boring shit like that, but I couldn't resist posting with such a kick ass title. I rule.

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Katherine Heigl About to Get Hers

So Katherine Heigl just might get knocked down a few notches. And it would be awesome! Her character on Grey's Anatomy, Izzie, might get killed. Which even though that's one of my favorite shows, I really wouldn't be too upset to see Izzie go. Not because I dislike her character, but because Katherine Heigl is THAT annoying.

The idea came after Heigl, 29, withdrew herself from Emmy contention, saying that she didn’t feel she was “given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination.”
In response to Heigl’s griping, staffers are considering giving her character, Dr. Izzie Stevens, a brain tumor.“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her,” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

And it is pure awesome. Shit on the show that made you? Well they shit back.

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Random Acts of Crap

Bret Michaels to have a third season of that Rock of Love crap on VH1. Also known as the third annual Herpes Convention. - DListed

Claire Daines in a bikini. No, its not as pleasant as it sounds. - The Superficial

The emoest couple to ever emo, Pete and Ashlee Wentzy are having a girl. Aw, daddy and daughter can share eyeliner AND jeans! - DListed

Hogans Divorce Getting Nasty

Because these people suck, and I like reminding my 3 readers of this fact, here we go.

Linda Hogan is throwing a bitchfit that Terry is basically refusing to follow judges orders to continue to buy some real estate they were in the middle of buying when the whole divorce thing started. She wants his ass thrown in jail because when the day came to sign the paperwork, he was no where to be found.

"Hulk Hogan left his signature bandanna at home today, because it could clash with the orange jumpsuit a judge may force him to wear.

Hulk and soon-to-be-ex wife Linda were in court in Clearwater, Fla., as Mrs. H. asked hizzoner to hold her estranged hubby in contempt for failing to close on a $4.2 million Vegas condo.

As we first reported, Hulk wants to bail out on the deal — even if it means he loses his $840,000 deposit. Linda says they had an agreement to close on the condo and Hulk had no right to withhold the cash."

Apparently she wants somewhere to party with her toddler boyfriend. Who cares. Except maybe if Terry goes to the slammer they can put him next door to his pussy son Queeny Nick and they can cry like bitches together.

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Happy Birthday C. Love!

The crackhead who showed Amy Winehouse how that shit is done turns 44 today. I had to use this picture with our vintage Courtney tripping her ass off at the MTV Video Awards. I think this was the same night she also pelted the contents of her purse at Madonna while the Vadge was giving Kurt Loder an interview. Classic! Sometimes I miss her old crap.

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Random Acts of Crap

Jamie Lynn Spears takes her turn whoring out her newborn on a magazine cover. - IDLYITW

Lezzy Lohan sorta comes out of the closet. - What Would Tylder Durden Do?

Matthew McConaughy explains the Biblical reason he named his kid Levi. I'm trying to figure out what kinda stoner reads the BIBLE. Seriously, someone explain this to me. - The Superficial

Pete Wentzy likes to talk to his unborn child. Keep it up, dumbass and the kid will never want to come out! - A Socialite's Life

Amy Winehouse is still punching people. - DListed

One Great Big Random Act of Crap

Jim Carey wears his girlfriend's swimsuit. - What Would Tylder Durden Do?

Lezzy Lohan celebrates her birthday with her girlfriend at Disneyland. - IDLYITW

George Clooney: "Being a sexy bitch is hard work." Right. - Celebitchy

Steve-O moved from rehab to psych ward. - ICYDK

The Osbournes doing a variety type show. Yes, I will be totally watching this shit if it airs in the US. - Seriously OMG

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban welcome new baby girl. - DListed

Amy Winehouse Still Insane

While walking home with her father, for some reason only obvious to crackheads, she ran off into traffic, then asked some dude in a convertible for a ride. Apparently he agreed, because she crawled all over his car, got in, and they took off. She appeared home again later, and walked her crazy ass inside.

Yep, she's still fucking crazy. I guess that means she's not quitting drugs and she's on her own little stairway to hell.

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Random Acts of Crap

Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie is in hospital in France. But according to her doctor, the twins are not here yet. Twinwatch continues! - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Ashlee Wentzy's preggo boobies. - The Superficial

Chestica Simpson takes Tony Romo and his parents to Olive Garden. Wow. Way to break the bank. - Celebitchy

Seriously? A Friends movie? Who is gonna go see that crap? - DListed

Is this Michael Lohan's love child? - What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Rose McGowan broke up Robert Rodriguez' marriage, and now she's dumping him. - IDLYITW

Ashlee and Pete Wentzy are having a boy. - DListed

Madonna and A-Rod allegedly screwing - he even visited her the same night his wife gave birth. - The Superficial

BUT Madonna and Guy Ritchie totally not getting a divorce. See? They went to dinner AND held hands so they are still sooooo in love. - DListed

I'm Busy, Bitches!

Yes, I'm a busy person. I'm important, dammit! Plus I tried to update this bitch today and the internet kicked my ass off. So since I'm lazy and didn't feel like having to go back and find all the shit I was gonna write about, I didn't write a damn thing. Perhaps in a few days I'll feel like updating this bitch.

Until then here is the song that is currently stuck in my head. Handlebars by the Flobots. I hope it gets stuck in your head too! Ha! Its a good song though, so you won't hate me.