C. Love in a Bikini

Well, at least she's not fat. Or bloated. She just looks like an emaciated zombie with plastic surgery scars. Ew.

Hypocrite!

At the British premiere of Wild Hogs, which I heard was a giant steaming pile, closeted actor John Travolta said some dumbass things.

"It [global warming] is a very valid issue. I'm wondering if we need to think about other planets and dome cities. Everyone can do their bit. But I don't know if it's not too late already. We have to think about alternative methods of fuel. I'm probably not the best candidate to ask about global warming because I fly jets."

Yeah. He showed up at the premiere on a motorcycle. And the geniouses over at IDLYTW put his hypocrisy in words that I just cannot match. They are beautiful. I shall quote:

And by "fly jets" he means "I own five." Specifically, a customized Boeing 707, three Gulfstream jets and a Lear jet that he keeps on his private runway. The runway he's used to take off for each of the 30,000 miles he's flown in the past 12 months. Miles in which he's produced an estimated 800 tons of carbon emission, roughly 100 times more than the average human. It's even more awesome when you find out that John Travolta lends his jets to fellow closeted gay actors who want to have sex without the fear of paparazzi. So, to reiterate, John Travolta wants you to power your house with a bicycle and a car battery, but it's ok for him to melt the polar ice caps so Jake Gyllenhaal can break in his new butt plug. Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

I love it. One day, I will be that awesome. Until then, John Travolta can suck eggs.

One Less Mess

Finally, KFed and Britney got their divorce settled. He gets a mil and they split custody of the kids 50/50. Yeah, I'll bet he's already got that money spent.

Oh well one less mess to drag out. Now if someone would hit Howard K. Stern with a hammer and get that shit overwith, the world would be right again. I'm tired of hearing about this crap on the news.

Eminem Gets Kim to Shut the Hell Up

Yay! Another famewhore silenced!

The rapper - real name Marshall Mathers - and Kim attended a closed courthearing at Detroit's Macomb Circuit Court yesterday (03.26.07) and agreed tostop making "derogatory, disparaging, inflammatory and otherwise negativecomments".

The agreement was made following a motion filed by Eminem last month toprotect their 11-year-old daughter Hailie.

Basically, neither of them can yap about the other to the media or to Hailie. This will stop Kim calling up random radio stations to talk about how Em can't get it up and how he and his daughter don't get along or whatever. Thank God.

Mary Weiland Goes Apeshit

Mary Weiland is married to Scott Weiland, lead singer for Velvet Revolver and who also used to sing for that little ol' band, Stone Temple Pilots.

Anywho. He royally pissed this woman off. I'm curious to know what he did, because bitch tore the shit out of a hotel room in Burbank, but a couple hours later, she set fire to his clothes in front of their home. She's been arrested and is on a $50,000 bail.

Seriously, what did he do? I want to know.

Anna Nicole Smith's Cause of Death Released

In no surprise to anyone whatsoever, it has been released that Anna Nicole Smith died of a combo drug overdose/infection type thing. Nobody offed her, and no aliens zapped her.

According to the medical examiner: "Nine prescription drugs including anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs and the sedative chloral hydrate were found in Anna Nicole's blood...On the day of her arrival in Florida on February 5, she complained of chills and was later found to be running a fever at 105 degrees Fahrenheit (40.5 Celsius) caused by the perforation in an abscess in her left buttock, he said. "It is our determination that the cause of death is combined drug toxicity as a result of chloral hydrate and a therapeutic concentration of other medications," said Perper. "A bacterial infection, a viral intestinal infection and possibly flu were contributory causes of death .... We did not find any evidence of homicide..."

And anyways. At least THAT part of the drama can rest in peace.

Dumbass

Nicole Richie keeps passing out. So her rep told People magazine that the reason is that Nicole has hypoglycemia. Which means your bloodsugar gets lower faster than a normal person's.

This is bull becuause I have hypoglycemia. You know what my doctor told me to do so I don't pass out? Eat. That's it. The only time I feel faint is if I haven't eaten something in a few hours. Therefore, this excuse sucks. Someone give the bitch a sandwich, she'll be fine.

The Drugs Are Wearing Off

Could it be that Tom Cruise's mind control is wearing off of Katie-Kate Holmes? That would be freaking awesome.

Reports are saying that she's been leaning on her good friend Posh Beckham and crying a lot because Tom is a psycho controlling midget from hell.

Says a source: "Katie has been crying over the phone. She's frustrated. Tom is denying her every single thing...Once, Katie and Victoria talked on the phone for four hours."

Apparently Posh and husband David have had a taste of the Tom Crazy themselves: Victoria is sick and tired of Tom being on her back about Scientology," says the source. "Victoria is an old-fashioned British woman who believes in God. She finds it quite rude that Tom is bugging her so much. Not too long ago, Tom left 18 messages in one hour to get them to join the church."

Sounds about right! Run, Katie, run!

Britney Spears Checks Out of Rehab

No surprise to anyone, Britney Spears has checked out of rehab, 27 days after checking in. If what I heard is correct, she may be facing losing custody of her kids, if FedEx keeps up his end of the bargain and goes to court. Generally, at the rehab she was staying at, treatment programs last anywhere from 30 to 45 days. 27 days isn't quite cutting it. If FedEx did state he'd go after the kids, I hope he keeps his promise. She's never gonna get better if she doesn't get help and COMPLETE the process of getting help. We shall see, I guess.

We Haven't Talked About this Crap in a While!

I haven't done an update on the whole Anna Nicole baby daddy drama because seriously, I was just happy that the poor woman finally got buried. But hey, looks like there's some progress in this mess!

There was a hearing yesterday in the Bahamas to determine paternity of little Dannielynn Hope. Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern, Virgie Dramaqueen Arthur, and some random prince all want custody of the baby, with Larry, Howard, and the prince all declaring themselves to be the father. Howard K. Stern was not present for some stupid reason, but the judge declared that Larry, Howard, and the baby undergo DNA testing. There will be another hearing on Tuesday, to listen to DNA experts testify. I dunno if that means they'll have test results then, but that would rule.

I'm still holding out for Larry because Howard gives me the creeps. And Virgie should waddle her fat, gold-digging ass back to Texas. That is all.

Angelina on Her Way Home With New Son

Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie is in the process of returning to the states with her new adopted son, whom she has named Pax. Dunno about the name, but she is The Goddess, so I guess I can let it slide.

Anywho, she issued a statement, breaking her silence on the subject: "I will stay at home to help Pax adjust to his new life. I have four children and caring for them is the most important thing for me at the moment. I am very proud and happy to be their mother … Photographs and press coverage will make (Pax) upset. I'm very worried about that. I would like to say I'm sorry for bringing this into Pax's life."

Compared to what he had before, I'm pretty sure Pax is better off now.

Congrats to the family!

Artsy Trent

Yeah it's SO nice in Kansas City today. Although with my elevated body temperature, it's like a thousand degrees in my office to me, but everyone else is comfortable. I'm so glad this will be over in a few months and I don't have to carry the kid through the really shitty months. Blah.

But here's some artsy Trent on a nice day to make everyone happy. Yay.

Woody Harrelson is Violent

Last week, Woody Harrelson attempted to leave a bar. He had in hand, two glasses of wine that he wanted to leave with. This is illegal in California, where this story takes place. So the bouncer does his job and tells Woody he'll have to leave the liquor inside the bar. Was Woody normal? Did he apologize and leave his drinks behind? Of course not. Then nobody would give a shit. He punched the bouncer and started a nice fat fight out in the street like a hopped up fratboy.

Says the National Enquirer and WWTDD.com: That started a full-scale brawl in the street, with a second bouncer joining in and wrestling Woody to the ground. Woody punched and scratched the bouncers and gouged a fingernail into one of their faces, just about [sic] the eye, said the bar source. “Blood was streaming down the bouncer’s face, and Woody cut his hand on the broken glass on the sidewalk… Blood was all over the place.” Two California Highway Patrol officers, who were writing a ticket across the street, raced over to stop the fight. “Woody was still flaling away, and the officers ended up cuffing him and putting him in the back of a squad car while they tried to sort out the mess…”

Very nice. Apparently he did smoke away what little brain he had left. Somehow, his dumb ass didn't get arrested.

Pam & Tommy Back Together?

I have maintained that in spite of the fact that he used to beat her ass, Pam and Tommy Lee were freaking made for each other. They should just quit denying it and stay together already.

Supposedly, they ended their on-again, off-again relationship. Since then she dated and married that trucker trash Kid Rock, and they are now divorced.

They were photographed this last weekend making out after having lunch with their two sons. Not surprised.

Angelina Jolie to Get Her New Child Soon

If you've not heard the rumors/news/whatever, Dame Goddess Angelina Jolie has been applying to adopt a 3-year-old Vietnamese boy for the last few weeks. She was filing by herself because it's virtually impossible for an unmarried couple to adopt in Veitnam.

The boy was left at a Vietnamese hospital as a baby, and the government couldn't find his parents so he was put up for adoption. The process is going so quickly because he's older and the paperwork is pretty much done. Angie could have him in a couple weeks.

Congrats to them! I know how much Angie and the Man Slave love kids. Although I wonder what Maddox will think now that he's not the only son in the house...oh well at least they're even now!

He's Back!!

After having to take a quick hiatus due to his voice, Trent is back on tour in Europe! Which means a new picture! Yay! Looks like Aaron is about to step on Trent's head! Not a good idea! You know Trent would kill someone with a mic stand for that kinda crap. Need proof?

Voila!

New album to drop April 17th, and the new DVD is already out. Why don't I have it already, you ask? Because this bitch is broke, dammit! Trust me, I will have that damn thing, one way or another. But the damn landlady and the electric company seem to want money otherwise this preggo bitch is homeless and/or in the dark. And that's never good.

Papa Joe Still Creeps Me Out

Papa Joe Simpson could cure AIDS and save a litter of kittens from a burning building and I'd still call him a creepy pedophile. That's just me, though. He said some shit to In Touch magazine to make him look better, but as usual it just made him look like a giant douche.

On the Brit Spears mess: "I would never let that happen to my daughters. Hopefully, her family will take care of the situation."

Yeah, I'm sure you wouldn't.

On Chestica desicrating a decent musician with her herpes: "They are good for each other.

Unlike Nick, John already has an established career, so Jessica doesn't have to compete with him."

He's talking about John Mayer. I keep hoping one day John will wake up, look over, and realize he's dating a total vapid headcase and run screaming for the hills. Seriously. He has talent, she has boobs. That's about it. I'd like to think John needs more than that in a woman. Like a brain. That would be important to ME, but hey.

Maddy Tell-All???

Rumor is that a former nanny of Madonna's is shopping around a tell-all book. Please let this be true, because I would be all over that shit!

According to DListed: Melissa Dumas worked for Madge during 2005 and details all her specific rules. Some of the hag one's rules include absolutely no noise while she's sleeping including running shower water, no newspapers, magazines or TV at all.

Meh that seems pretty mild for the Devine Mrs. Richie. But still. I'd buy that book and worship it.

C. Love is in Debt

Our dear idiot Courtney Love is being sued by Beau Monde International, the rehab she visited in 2005 because she hasn't paid her outstanding bill. Initially, she paid $10,000 at check-in, but never paid the balance after leaving - $181,286. Nice.

If they win, they get $5 and some cheetos.

She's Still Taking the Happy Pills

Katie-Kate is due to start filming a movie called Mad Money with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah. Of course, the midget has to go so he can make sure she doesn't forget to take her pills and to be a pain in the ass to everyone involved.

"Tom has called producers and told them he will be on set every day. He wants to observe what's going on and will probably help Katie out."

By "help" he means "control her every move and every word."

More from Page Six: Cruise was said to be upset over her sex scene in last year's "Thank You for Smoking" - which was mysteriously missing during several festival screenings … Holmes gave up her role in the upcoming "Batman" sequel, and some in Hollywood said it was because of the romantic scenes she would have had with Christian Bale … The insider added, "Katie's agent, Hylda Queally (at CAA), chose this role (in "Mad Money") for her because it is a female buddy movie. There is no love interest and she wouldn't be kissing anyone or have a sex scene." Acheson declined comment on the script - which our source, who has seen it, said was "atrocious."

What a shock. What they didn't mention was how Katie-Kate had actually TURNED DOWN an Academy Award nomination for her role in Thank You for Smoking. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure it had something to due with the fact that Tom didn't like that movie, and because he's never been nominated. Like anybody can help that he's a shitty actor who is stuck doing shitty action movies.

Anyways, good to see some things never change. The sun always rises in the east, and Katie-Kate is still a brainwashed Stepford Wife.

Aww!

This is Melissa Etheridge and girlfriend Tammy Lynn Michaels with their newborn twins. Looks like a boy and a girl. Article doesn't give their names, but they are cute and Melissa is looking well. Hope she's recovered well from her cancer treatments.

Haven't Seen TomKat with the Purchase in a While!

Aw, haven't seen the midget with his Stepford Wife and Asian baby in a while. Baby looks cute. Katie-Kate still looks to be on the happy pills.

They're going to attend the basketball game of Connor Cruise, Tom's son from his previous marriage.

Is Britney the Devil?

Some random source claimed that Britney Spears tried to hang herself inside the rehab center where she's been recieving treatment. They also claimed she carved "666" into her forehead and was screaming about being the anti-christ.

The ordeal began when she terrified staff by writing the number of the beast on her head and running around the clinic screaming, "I am the anti-christ!" "The clinic people just didn't know what to do," a friend claimed."

Yeah I didn't believe that to begin with, then saw this on WWTDD.com:

If you read most articles on the supposed attempted suicide, most are written with unnamed sources and with direct quotes attributed to no one. We saw Britney later in the evening on the 28th, the same day we saw the ambulance, attending her first AA meeting outside of rehab. She was looking good and healthy -- far from what you'd expect someone who'd just attempted suicide to look like! She was out again the next evening for a Thursday night AA meeting, where X17 caught up with Brit exclusively. She gave us a sweet wave and a smile -- she looked great!

Yeah homegirl is depressed and has a substance abuse problem. She's not insane. That's what I believe, anyway.

WWTDD.com source:

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=1990

Marilyn is Still Queen

IDLYITW decided that in lieu of yapping about the bitches at Anna Nicole's funeral, that we'd rather see some vintage Marilyn Monroe, whom Anna idolized but of course, was no where NEAR as fabulous as. Marilyn is the Queen of Beauty and makes Angelina Jolie look ugly. Yes, I went there.

Anna Nicole FINALLY Gets a Funeral

The funeral for Anna Nicole was scheduled for today, so of course Virgie Arthur had to famewhore it up a little bit more and filed yet another petition in court, which meant the hearse carrying Anna's body had to stop literally feet from the church where services were being held. The petition was thankfully denied, and Anna should be in the ground shortly.

Seriously, it's not like Anna Nicole is frigging Mother Theresa or anything, but the poor thing didn't deserve this. They couldn't even have an open casket service because she's been dead too long. There's a special place in hell reserved for mothers like Virgie.

Britney Goes to AA

Britney Spears left the Promises Rehab center where she's getting treatment to attend an AA meeting in Santa Monica. Girl looks almost normal here! Perhaps we are back on track.

FINALLY!

Virgie Arthur, mother to the late Anna Nicole, lost the last-minute petition to the courts to get Anna's body so she could bury it in Texas. The court upheld the previous ruling which would have Anna buried in the Bahamas next to her son, which is what she would have wanted. Virgie will now have to find another way to be an attention whore.

Back to the baby-daddy drama!