Did She Escape?

Katie-Kate Holmes is in NYC preparing for her first role on Broadway, and apparently, the midget isn't there with her! The original rumor is that she and Suri were gonna go on their own to do a trial separation from the mothership because shit wasn't going so well. But then I'd heard he was going, but now he's not there? Could it be? Is she free from the creepy?

Probably not. He'll be there soon to check on her programming.

Source

They Overpaid for this Trash

TMZ is reporting that Ashlee and Pete Wentzy made $1.4 million for their wedding photos being on the cover of People magazine. Well let's be honest here - that was Papa Joe who pocketed that cash. Anywho, the cover was contingent on one thing: Chestica and her newly ex-boyfriend Tony Romo showed up. So Papa Joe had to split that cash with Romo so he'd show up.

But that's why there's that lovely drunken photo of Chestica in an inlet picture. People apparently give a shit about her, but nobody cares about Ashlee and her Emo Bride.

Color me shocked.

Source

Those Poor Hogans

Stupid orange freaks. They're all stupid asses, I've decided.

Brooke Hogan got into an accident and sadly, is all right and didn't sustain any injuries. She did blog about it on her MySpace, then promptly removed the stupidity. But Michael K at DListed posted it in its entirety so we can giggle together:

What happened to my brother and our friend John was horrible and very hard for both of our families. But I truly believe my brother and John saved My life and my best friends life.... I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves... As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight. I have to thank my brother and my best friend John for teaching me an important lesson that saved our lives.

I know that because my family is under a microscope, the turn of unfortunate events are magnified and seem like they just keep on coming...And having everyone watching and commenting on our life is extremely hard. If I could stop it I would because it feels terrible. We try to stay away from it but can't help that its shoved in our faces. So please, if youre a supporter, please spread the good around cause its nice to have friends when things go awry. And for the haters, Im sure we're not the only ones you're hurting. I would hope people are never this mean to you because it makes things so much harder......You're human and so are we. Nothing different.

God Bless

Someone give this bitch an award. Once again she has to bitch about how "mean" we all are to her stupid brother. In case anyone has forgotten, that asshole got drunk, decided to drive his stupid penis replacement car, get into an illegal street race with another asshole, crash his car, and put his friend in an irreversable coma. Wow, life is hard for Nick, isn't it? Oh yeah it's rough. Poor baby had to give up 8 whole months in jail.

In case you're wondering, all respect I had for this douche is now gone.

TMZ got ahold of a couple taped phone coversations Nick had with his parents in jail. In one he is whining to his mommy about how horrible jail is and how he doesn't even have a window. He also goes on to bitch that he doesn't think it's fair that he's in jail for a "car accident." Seriously. Want to hear that stupidity? Go here. Yes, he's literally crying like a baby during it. I like that she tells him he "has to handle it" and "he can't buy his way out of it." Damn skippy, pussy man.

They got another conversation between Nick and his father Hulk wherein his father basically blamed Nick's victim, John Graziano. Seriously. Says Hulk: "God laid some heavy shit on that kid, I don't know what he was into." Wow. That's some brass ones. Nick responds with "He was a negative person."

You know what? I know a lot of fucking negative people but who the hell deserves what John got? Yeah he made the decision to get in the car with the douche, but ultimately, it was Nick's responsibility to get his passengers and himself from point A to point B safely. He broke the law, John didn't. Asshole.

In the conversation, Nick and Hulk yap about some reality deal they're set to do when the douch gets out of jail. He tells his dad to work on it so he can make the most money. Wow. Here that beauty here.

They are all assholes and karma is a bitch. That's all I'm saying.

Source, Source and

Source

It's a Nice Day for a Lesiban Wedding

The Daily Star is reporting that Lesiban Lohan has been telling people she's gonna marry her lesbo lover Samantha Ronson. Her spokeswhores are still denying she's bumping vaginas with the DJ.

She's been wearing an engagement ring on her ring finger this past weekend at Cannes. Rumor is that she's been saying she's planning at wedding at Dollywood in July. Yes, you read that right. Dollywood. I would give my left boob to witness this trash. Maybe Mommy Lohan will document it on her shitty reality show. That is, if she would quit denying that her daughter is a flaming firecrotch lesbian.

Her dad, however, knows the truth. He told Us Weekly his daughter's relationship "is evident to anyone with half a brain." Says a lot about his ex-wife.

Source

Speaking of Gays...

Lindsay Lohan is still a lesbian. In case you were wondering.

Source

McCain is Polite. Still an Asshole, But Polite.

Ellen had John McCain on her show the other day and decided to step right up to the gay marriage issue. Obviously, McCain is all about making gays second-class citizens.

Says Ellen: "I think that it is looked at and some people are saying the same that blacks and women did not have the right to vote. Women just got the right to vote in 1920. Blacks didn't have the right to vote till 1870. It just feels like there's this old way of thinking (that) we are not all the same. We are all the same people. All of us. You're no different than I am. Our love is the same."

Damn skippy. I don't see how it's any different. It's still discrimination.

More Ellen: " It sounds to me like saying well you can sit there (points in one direction), you just can't sit there (points in another direction). That's what it sounds like to me. It doesn't feel inclusive. It feels isolated. It feels like we aren't owed the same things and the same wording."

I think I'm in love. Ellen is the shit.

McCain's very polite retarded response: "I've heard you articulate that position in a very eloquent fashion. We just have a disagreement and I, along with many, many others wish you every happiness."

"We wish you happiness, but you aren't as good as me and my wife, so fuck you." I mean, that's what I read when I read that....but that's just me. Yes, I know I'm hostile today. I didn't drink enough coffee.

Ellen finished with a joke: "Thank you. So you'll walk me down the aisle? Is that what you said?"

I'd pay money to see that.

Source

Who Cares?

Pete Wentzy told Ryan Gaycrest that he and new wife Ashlee Simpson spent their honeymoon in the basement. But they didn't, they went to the Carribean. Jokes on us! Too bad nobody gives a shit about Douche and his Douchey wife!

Source

Different Strokes...

This guy doesn't like chicks. He doesn't like dudes. He likes cars. In the sexual sense. Meaning, he likes to fuck cars. Don't ask me how it's done, I don't want to know. Today is not a good day for my poor brain. The mental images are going to send me to the loony bin.

"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change. I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."

I guess he's not hurting anybody? Can a car say "no?"

Source

Mental Images...Nightmares...Ew!

Wanna barf? Read this. I'll post about his alleged penis, but I'll be damned if I talk about his alleged sex life with Jennifer Aniston. Ew.

Source

Jenna Jameson = Angelina Jolie

In case you forgot, Jenna Jameson is famous because she fucked dudes on camera for a living. You know, porn. Now apparently she's told Us Magazine she wants to be a mommy. Wouldn't you love her for your room mom in elementary school?

"I think I'm gonna stay unmarried, and just go for the babies!" Jameson, 34, told Usmagazine.com at Maxim's Hot 100 bash in L.A. Wednesday. "I'm following in Angelina's footsteps!"We're trying for a baby, so hopefully in the next couple of months!" she added.Why is she so over saying "I Do?"Two failed marriages," she said. "[Marriage] is really just a piece of paper." Jameson was wed to fellow porn star Brad Armstrong (they split in 2001) and adult film studio owner Jay Grdina (they split in 2006).Her two-year relationship with boxer Tito Ortiz is "so fabulous, like, fantastic," she said.

Except Tito Ortiz isn't a boxer. He's an MMA fighter. He actually has a fight this saturday, which is probably why she's tramping around the media saying stuff.

I still chuckle about the rumor about her having vagnin-tightening surgery. Hee! She had to get her pussy fixed! Because she's a porn slut and all. If she didn't have the surgery, does that mean a kid would just walk on out of there? These are the things I think about. I need to know!

Source

Old Boobs!

She probably thinks she's being so edgy right now. Really, I'm not looking at this picture without the blurry line for fear I'll die of revulsion. If you are brave, go here. If you get sick and die, don't blame me. I warned you.

Source

Which David Won?

Well I couldn't watch the two-hour vomit-fest. I would check in every now and then in between my CSI reruns, but it was pretty retarded. Nothing like an hour and 40 minutes of complete steaming crap, then a bunch of fuckers wrecking George Michael classics, only for the man himself to show up and show those dumb asses how it's done.

Then FINALLY they announced David Cook won. David Archuleta went home to cry into his Hannah Montana pillowcase.

I give it two weeks before Cookie realizes he is now stuck in hell and has little chance of rocking ever again, or ever having a groupie who has reached puberty. Sucks because this kid is talented.

Yay I don't have to hear about this shit or see Paula's pilled out mug until 2009.

Source

Mutt Lange is Still a Dumbass

On the left is Shania Twain. The woman on the right is not her mom. Its her close friend, employee, and now homewrecker, Marie-Anne Thiébaud, also known as Mutt's vagina on the side.

Now I heard Shania had been withholding the bootie. In which case I can see why he'd stray. But wouldn't common sense state that he would go to someone hotter, or at least the same level as hot as his wife?

Oh yeah, and Shania is 42, while Marie-Anne is 37. Seriously!

Ugh. My thoughts go out to Shania. Nothing like your husband replacing a ten with a six. Ew.

Source

I'm Not the Only Bitch Who Thinks Nick Hogan Deserves to be Miserable

Over at CelebWarship, they covered the story about Nick Hogan being a pissy asshole about having to give up an entire 8 months of his life while his friend basically gave up the entire rest of his life. The comments on that story over there are quite awesome so I thought I'd give them tribute here.

AmyD says: May 21st, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Poor baby, he’s “struggling to form a sentence”. Yeah, so’s the guy you PUT INTO A COMA, you asshole.

-My thoughts exactly.


Kats says: May 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
Good. I hope the little entitled fucker rots.

- I love you.

Seriously, that made me happy. So I thought I'd share. In case any of you bitches think I was mean to that little pussy, then there ya go. I'm not alone!

Source

Sex and the City Makes 14-year-olds into Whores

Yeah and ER made me into a doctor. Blah.

Some chick named Lisa is claiming the hos of Sex and the City made her into a whore when she was but 14. "When you're that age you try to emulate people on TV. Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that's what I did too. It wasn't 'Sex and the City's' fault. I love the show, but I think it made it a little easier to justify my behavior."

She is now 22, but at the time she was just a sex-loving freak. She even used one of the lines from the show on a dude after he came in her mouth and she thought it tasted gross. She told him his stuff was rotten. "That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: 'You have funky spunk.' I knew from watching the show that it had to do with something he was eating." See? The show is also educational. She learned things.

When she was 19, she quit being a skank and moved to Utah. She met a mormon dude, converted, married him, and is a wife and mommy to his kids. He no longer allows her to watch the show, and she's sold the DVD's on eBay and says everything's okay now. Nothing like a husband who tells you what TV shows to watch! Although with this bitch, he really has to. She might watch Desperate Housewives and try to become an old skank instead of a young one, thus starting the whole process over again.

Bah I'm calling shananigans anyway. It's just too much of a coincidence that she's coming forward with this right now when the damn movie is about to come out. Give her therapy and tell her to shut the hell up.

Source

I Hope She Gets a Uterus-Eating Disease.

Parisite Hilton is talking about having a kid. Y'know, she just can't let Nicole Richie do anything, she has to do it too. Dumb bitches.

However, don't worry, because she wants to wait until next year. Cue the flesh-eating disease on her womb next year, then.

A dumb bitch says what? "I do want a baby. Pretty soon. Not yet because I'm so busy, but next year."

Has someone told this walking strain of herpes that babies are not like dogs? You can't just lock them in a closet when you want to go out. Animal control may not arrest your ass, but DFS and the cops will. You don't do a couple hours in jail for neglecting a child.

Oh who am I kidding? This kid will be raised by Mexican nannies. Ole!

Source

Excuse Me While I Get Back on My Soapbox...

Yes, THAT is what was left of the car that Nick Hogan was driving when he lost control, hit a median, flipped it, thus putting his friend in a COMA. He was drunk. His friend will be in a nursing home the rest of his life.

Nick is now being a pissy little bitch about having to serve a whole 8 fucking months in jail. Now, in case you were wondering, his friend has suffered SEVERE, PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE because PART OF HIS BRAIN AND SKULL ARE GONE. Want to see the damage for real? Go here to see pictures of John Graziano. I'm warning you, they are disturbing. This poor kid and his poor family.

Sorry to be a preachy bitch, but Nick was DRUNK. We DO know that driving + drunk asshole = BAD at this point right???

ZERO sympathy for this douche. I hope jail sucks and he's made someone's bitch. End of story.

Off the soapbox now and back to making fun of people.

Source

This Has Made My Afternoon

Lindsay Lohan was eating lunch somewhere in LA when a couple chicks saw her. They started yelling "Courtney! Courtney!" Oops. Seems they mistakenly took her for our dear Courtney Love.

The witness to the incident told Star Magazine about the mistaken idenity and went on to say: "She was also looking extremely pale. You know things are going downhill when you get mistaken for an ex-druggie plastic surgery disaster who's twice your age!"

What an insult to C. Love! But it's true. Lohan is looking pretty fucking haggard these days.

Source

This Shit Might be Better than the New Batman

Yeah, I'm so going there.

Chuck Palahniuk is one twisted individual. Even more disturbing is the fact that he looks and talks like a freaking normal human being. But inside that head is more scary crap than whatever is between the legs of Parisite Hilton.

He wrote Fight Club which of course became a feature film. He's had several other books in talks to become movies. First was his second novel after FC, called Survivor, but shortly after it was in the beginning of things, September 11, 2001 happened and well, the central plotline in the book is a plane crash. At the time, moviemakers were really really staying away from that sort of thing, understandably.

Now, his book Choke is coming out this year. It just might be better than the new Batman flick.

For those of you who are not sick like me and enjoy Chuck's style, here is a synopsis, courtesy of imdb.com: Victor Mancini is a medical-school dropout who has devised an ingenious scam to pay elder care for his Alzheimer's-afflicted mother: he pretends to choke on pieces of food while dining in upscale restaurants. He then allows himself to be "saved" by fellow patrons who, feeling responsible for Victor's life, go on to send checks to support him. When he's not pulling this stunt, Victor cruises sexual addiction recovery workshops for action, visits his addled mom, and spends his days working at a colonial theme park.

Oh yeah I cannot wait. They have Angelica Houston lined up to play Victor's freaked out mother. That is so awesome. I cannot WAIT! According to The Cult, a fansite for us rabid fans of Chuck, the film is to be released August 1st. What a way to end my summer!

imdb.com and Choke page at ChuckPalahniuk.net

Nick Hogan Not Enjoying Jail

Yeah who cares. I just cannot bring forth any sort of pity for this bitch. He CHOSE to get drunk, then CHOSE to get behind the wheel, then like the dumbass that he is, RACE some bitch, and wreck his car, which left his friend with permanent brain damage. This ruined the life of his friend, and that friend's ENTIRE FAMILY. So yeah. No sympathy here for Nick Hogan.

Anyways. The NY Post says Nick isn't dealing well with prison. Well, that's the point, isn't it?

"Nick's doing really bad. He's struggling to even form a sentence," one friend said. "They have him in a cell by himself, isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn't understand how awful jail really is until now." That will be small consolation to Graziano's relatives, who say Hogan has done very little for their son since the crash.

Once again, I just cannot feel sorry for this asshole. He did win a few points by owning up to what he did in court, but in the end, this is your punishment. Take it like a man.

Source