Just a Recap

In case you forgot, Amy Winehouse defines the term "one hot mess." Here's a rundown!

She canceled a concert just hours before she was due onstage. Amy Winehouse is facing legal action after she pulled out of a concert in Paris just two hours before she was due to headline it. A statement posted on the festival website said organisers had decided to start legal proceedings against her because of the circumstances of her cancellation. “We have still not been given any explanation of the exact reasons for her absence.”

In the past year, she has OD'd twice. The singer, 24, suffered two major overdoses, with such bad convulsions that they were “like a scene from The Exorcist”. And her body is so frail from drug use that doctors were scared she would break bones during a fit.

And let's not forget, she may have brain damage.

Seriously, how much can one human body take? Or is that it? Is she not human? Because that's the only reason I can think of as to why she's not dead yet. Seriously, this zombie and Courtney Love must both be fucking aliens or something. Nobody can ingest this much heroin and still move among the living.

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C. Love is Looking Shitty Again

Perhaps its the stress over managing to lose Kurt Cobain's ashes has gotten to her, but our little Courtney is looking like the walking dead again. Seriously, she is looking like the damn death scene from The People vs. Larry Flynt.

What I want to know is, where the hell is Frances Bean?? She always seems to be able to knock some sense into her.

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The Spike TV Guy's Awards Were Rigged

Cameron Diaz paid a bitch off to win the "Decade of Hotness" award. Because I do not know a single straight male who thinks Diaz is even remotely attractive. She's one hot pizza faced mess.

Whatever. She just wanted that trophy to masterbate with. God knows she can't keep a man.

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What the Hell is that Shit on Her Head???

This is Sarah Jessica Parker at the Sex and the City movie premiere and apparently, she stopped by a fucking forest on the way and glued a bunch of grass and shit to her head on the way. Seriously, who let her leave the damn limo looking this freaking stupid?

She probably only did it so we'd pay attention to her horse face and not the other bitches. Well, Kim Cattral was always my favorite, so suck that SJP! Take that and glue it to your head!

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Lohan is a Theif as Well as a Lesbian and Has-Bian

22-year-old college student Masha Markova attended with some party where she sat close to ol' Lohan and she wore a $11,000 prized mink coat. When she left, she couldn't find the coat. Then pictures of the tired truck stop whore Lindsay started showing up on blogs wearing the stolen animal pelt.

After phone calls to the club where the party was held, and to her lawyer who contacted Lohan's lawyer, Masha got a package in the mail from the club with her jacket inside which was of course, wrecked. She said it stunk of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and there was a tear in the lining. Now she's going after Lohan for about 10 grand to pay for the damage.

Bitch should count herself lucky the jacket only smelled like smoke and booze. It could have smelled like tired lesbo pussy. Now THAT shit is rank! Have you ever gone into a public bathroom and this stale tuna-fish-rotten-egg sort of nasty smell is behind? You know a tired old lesbo was in there before you.

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Amy Winehouse Gets a Hickey

Ew. Apparently she went to see her jailed husband and he left her with a memento. How charming.

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What in the Name of God and Sweet Baby Jesus is Wrong with Criss Angel?!?!?!!

Besides the fact that he managed to freak the eff out like a crazed lunatic at the Miss USA finals a while back, which was brought to the attention of The Hairpiece Donald Trump, he apparently glued a dead rat to his face.

I mean what the hell kinda GD girlfriend lets her man do that to himself??? He looks like a drunken homeless alcoholic. The only reason I know that it's even Criss Angel is the Mr. T style jewelry he always wears.

Someone piss test this dude, he needs Intervention like right now. Only
Jeff Van Vonderen can save his ass now. I mean, Mindfreak is on the same network. Just have a crossover!

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P.S. In case you think I'm nuts, this is why I'm in freaking shock. Criss used to look like this:

Winehouse Going to Jail?

Amy Winehouse cried on the way to the police to be questioned for when she headbutted the dude the other night. If convicted, she could face up to 6 months in jail. A whole six months. Woo. Maybe it'd give her methface some time to fucking heal.

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Day-um Part Two

Amy Winehouse was voted "ultimate heroine" by something called sky.com. They didn't say whether the bitches they polled were actually runaways at a methadone clinic who thought "heroine" meant a chick who did smack, but since they voted Pete Doherty as the second most popular hero, I'm assuming I'm right.

The crackheads even placed higher than Princess Diana. Some shrink told NME it was because "seems to portray a certain sense of vulnerability or having had to fight against some adversity in their lives." No it's because the people they polled are straight up dumbasses.

Also, to prove her title of "Ultimate Heroine" she decided to headbutt some guy outside a club. Her friends dragged her back inside, only for her to stumble outside and run straight into a lamp post.

Nice choice, sky.com. Thumbs up to you.

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Day-um!

This charming beast is Amy Winehouse and she makes Courtney Love look like a fucking amateur.

Last night she had a full evening. She went out, smoked a joint, bought a magazine, and ended the night by having to break into her house through the garage for good measure. And isn't she just a beauty? I know she makes me hot just looking at the methface and bat nest hair. Do me now.

Now please excuse me while I go vomit.

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Lohan Still Going Strong

Still no pictures because Blogger still sucks. Fix your shit!

Nevermind the fact that we've not seen Lindsay Lohan in a movie worth a shit in about eight fucking years. That doesn't stop her from dragging herself to every party in town and generally making herself a haggard hot mess.

Says The New York Daily News: Lindsay Lohan enjoyed a late night in Times Square Saturday night with her deejay pal Samantha Ronson. And a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.The starlet - who is supposed to be in Alcoholics Anonymous - turned up around midnight to promoter Joey Morrissey's Big Saturday party at Hawaiian Tropic Zone.At least two witnesses watched her consume vodka cocktails until she appeared to become drowsy and left at about 4 a.m."She was chain-smoking all night," says a spy. "Her eyes were a little glassy and she was holding her head in her hands, but she left on her own two feet."

Awesome. According to WWTDD she has three movies in pre-production. The best prospect is some garbage called Ye Olde Times. All right, that sounds like a public access documentary from hell. But hey, she can get completely faded on vodka and leave "on her own two feet." Go Lindsay!

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Freaking Awesome

This goofy looking bitch is Richard Quest from CNN. He got himself arrested in NYC's Central Park for being in the park past curfew and having some meth in his pocket, which he admitted to. What he didn't admit to was the sex toy in his boot and the rope with one end tied around his neck and the other tied around his genitals. He had an unidentified friend with him. And by "friend" they mean "master." I wonder what the sex toy was?

Says his lawyers: "Mr. Quest didn't realize that the park had a curfew. He was simply returning to his hotel with friends."

Ha. I don't know why, but this story has warmed my cold little heart.

The Hogans Still Suck, and They're Getting Sued

The family of John Graziano, the passenger in Nick Hogan's car on the day of his accident and who has been in a coma, is now suing basically most of the Hogan family. Which is hilariously awesome. The only bitch left out is Brooke. Too bad, too.

According to DListed: The lawsuit cites 3 counts of negligence against Hulk and Nick, one against Linda and another count against the driver of the Dodge Viper that Nick was racing with.

Nick is also facing charges of reckless driving with serious bodily injury.

I get suing Nick and the other driver...but as much as I dislike Linda and Terry, how is it really their fault their kid got into this accident? It's not like they were there.

Oh well they're all a hot mess. Pay up, bitches.

One Hot Mess

This is how you ride the horsey! Look at my saddlebags! Woo!

Hee. Anywho. Britney Spears had her first live performance in three years at the Hard Rock Hotel Cafe in San Diego last night. I'm glad homegirl is trying to get her career back, but she needs to fire whoever let her perform in that getup. She did four old songs, and apparently, she sucked big time.

The comeback didn't hit a high note for everyone, some of whom paid upward of $125 a ticket. "It looked like she lip-synched her way through the whole thing," said a disappointed Morgan Segall, 20, who flew in from San Francisco for the night."

Duh. Don't most pop stars lip sync? But still. It's too bad.

She's got a couple more of these private concert thingies to do, though. Her wig didn't look half bad. (Woo! I said something nice! Everyone calm down!)