Oh HELL No!

Some crazy bitch got herself obsessed with Sandra Bullock. So what does she do? Tries to kill the hottest man alive. She should fry.

Cops say that Bullock, along with James' 10-year-old child, looked on in horror as Marcia Valentine "attempted 3 or 4 times to run Jesse James over with her silver Mercedes." Jesse was never struck by the car during the alleged incident.

We're told Valentine also "laid in the driveway and wouldn't move."

Orange County Sheriffs were contacted and responded to the scene, but Valentine allegedly fled before they arrived. After an intense manhunt, officers located Valentine early Monday morning and took her into custody.

Wow. She sure looks like she's a fat bag o' crazy.

She's Back!

Dracula came out of hiding on Thursday night for an event honoring Matt Lauer. Looks like she got some more work done and got the bug eyes fixed. She's still creepy, though.

Where's Gay Al?

Prince is Awesome

I haven't really paid much attention to Prince since the 80's and the pure awesome that was Purple Rain. I don't care what anybody says, that movie was a fucking classic.

Anywho. He pretty much proved he is still awesome at a concert the other night. He was performing at Club 3121 in Vegas, and noticed that Parisite Hilton was in attendance. He then invited her onstage and proved his awesomeness:

As a "delighted" Hilton obliged, Prince, 48, handed her the mic and told the audience, "Let's see if she can really sing," says the witness. Hilton stormed offstage - and left the club two songs later."

The man deserves a trophy. That story just made my day.

Joe Francis is Going to Jail!

A Socialite's Life has the best title ever for this newspiece:

"It's Still Going To Be Sorta Sad When Lusty Cons Make Him Strip For Their Smuggled-In Video Cameras And He Weeps Softly To Himself At Last Knowing What Exploitation Feels Like"

So awesome.

Anyways, the douchebag plead guilty in court, and is going to do a mere 35 days in jail. No matter. Some haggard con is going to LOVE the idea of making the "Girl's Gone Wild" asshole into his girlfriend. And I would SO love to be a fly on that wall. Bring lots of lube, Joe!

GIVE IT A GODDAMN REST!!!!!!

Rosie O'Donnell hosted the Matrix Awards the other day. It's basically an awards ceremony that honors women in the media. Well, she couldn't just do her damn job as a hostess, she had to yap on about fucking Donald Trump some more. If you want to know what she said, click the link in the title and read my source article. I could give less of a shit. I started out this thing on her side, because Donald Trump is a douchebag millionare who annoys me.

I know Rosie isn't reading this, but on the off chance that she does, I have this to say to her: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE!!! YES HE IS A DOUCHE. YOU ARE NOT TELLING US ANYTHING WE DO NOT KNOW. NOW SHUT UP AND GET BACK ON THE VIEW AND TELL THAT HASSELCRACK WHAT'S UP!

I feel better. Back to my cookies now.

Keepin' the Herpes Contained

Really, if you think about it, these two were made for each other. As long as they don't reproduce, it'd be perfect. Keep the dumb ones together so they don't infect/annoy the rest of us.

Anywho, Queen Parisite of the Herpes and FedEx were at some birthday party and obviously got photographed together. Woo.

New Album Out!

The new Nine Inch Nails record, Year Zero, was released Tuesday. I'm a broke bitch, so I don't have it yet. I know, I suck.

Anyways. New album means new U.S. tour, right? Right? I hope so.

I Want Alec Baldwin to be My Daddy!

Seriously. It would be awesome. Nothing like being 11-years-old, and finding this gem of a voicemail from dear ol' dad:

"Hey I wanna tell you something okay, and I wanna leave a message for you right now because again its 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I make that phone call at eleven-o-clock in the morning in New York and if you don't pick up the phone at ten-o-clock at night and you don't even have that god damn phone turned on. I want you to know something okay, I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me, you don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being, I don't give a damn if you're 12-years-old, or 11-years-old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass, who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time with this phone, and when I come out there next week, I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue, I'm gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You have made me feel like shit and you have made me feel like a fool over and over and over again, and this crap you pull on me with this god damn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother and you do it to me constantly, and over and over again. I am gonna get on a plane or I am gonna come out there for the day and I'm gonna straighten your ass out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm gonna really make sure you get it. Then I'm gonna get on a plane and I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna come home. So you better be ready Friday, the 20th, to meet with me so I'm gonna let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude thoughtless little pig, okay."

So yeah. That's Alec Baldwin. His daughter is ELEVEN. What a nice guy.

More Ramblings from C. Love

I still cannot believe that at some point in life, there were enough drugs on the planet for Trent Reznor to ingest that made him want to see this woman naked. Ew. I'm almost curious to know how much it did take.

Anyways. Courtney Love is rambling on her website again. Apparently, her staff likes to laugh at her too because nobody will show this chick where the damn spell check feature is. I have no idea what she's going on about, but if you can figure it out, you're more patient than I.

i see these pics (the new ones) and something must be wrongw ith me co si know what i wweigh and i still dont feel quite thin enough, im gonn go for tewn more pounds and then ill mainatin at that imd oing weight training and pilates and more tough stuff so ic an tone more, you lose this much weighta nd get saggy skina nd im in no mood for saggy anything thank you very much sdo i need ot firm up and get my butt in shape and tummy and arms, and fdo the heavy lifting - the hardest part the first 50 pounds is over- now i just gotta put the w3ork in to get where i wanna be-= but i m a rockstar and my job isnt to be perfect - in fact he addictiont o the idea opf “perfection” has infested my life in the past and im over it- its never thnk god infected my music but its affected my outeard appearance and self esteem and i need to know that as long a s ido somnething fo rsomeone else every day as longa s my duty ist o make others less miserable in fct helo them to be happy=- by what we call “kosenrufu: ” wich means world peace - and value creation wherever we go( nichiren buddhists) its so important to be of service to others , so very very important for purely selfish reasons- one gets more from the universe the more ones heart is opne and all that stuff.

Woo! Pure awesome! What's this bitch on???

Fantastic

They are talking about bringing the play Equus over to the states. They haven't said yet who will play the role that Daniel Radcliffe has been playing over in England. The big deal is that Daniel got naked onstage. So if he plays the same role over here, you know we're never gonna hear the end of it from the moms over here bitching about Harry Potter getting naked. They bitched when he got naked in ENGLAND where their precious widdle kiddums wouldn't see or know anything about their idol stripping down and showing the goods. Now if he comes here, it's gonna be a pain in my ass.

Hey soccer moms? Don't want your kids "exposed" to Harry's penis? Then don't take them to see the play. It's pretty fucking simple. I know you can grasp this concept with your tiny little minds.

Marilyn Finds his Dita Replacement

So I was listening to the radio the other morning here in Kansas City, and the DJ was reporting on a quote he heard from Marilyn Manson stating that Manson thought his marriage to Dita Von Teese was doomed from the start because Dita wanted him to act grown up and he wasn't ready for that. He goes on to say because of that, his pairing with 19-year-old Evan Rachel Wood was a much better fit.

However, as the days go by, she starts looking more and more like a mini-me Dita. Creepy much?

Ha! She Told Us!

People have been speculating that Courtney Love lost all the weight with lipo and/or surgery. Well SHE TOLD THEM!

From her website:

ots bullshiti couldnt get that suregry iof i begged for itFDA says you have to have a BMI of above 40 and that equals at least being 100 pounds overweight at least other wsie its ILLEGAL.I know spmeone who troed to get that shit and no dr would give it to her an dhse was pudgier than i was, its total utter shite, i lost weightthe hard way and people cant accept it,whwnever ANYONE loses weight by determintaion and grit fast its suspect i got muyinspirationf rom Oprah losing so much weight on Slim Fast,. thats how i did it, thio sis nonsesne my breath is great and i dont “vomit inot a towel” it sjust cynical crazy bullshit,i started weight training three days go to get rid of the saggy ass and loose tummy i pln on hving perrrfect six pack by summer, and be extra strong so when i play shows ill be strong nd not weak,Thizs is bullshit as is the tummy tuck rumour or the 200k in liopo rumpur ( you dont lose eoght all over from lipo) ( noone loses more than 15 lbs from lipo ever they “resculpt”) thi sisjust nnoying gross BULLSHIT. from people who cant lose wieght through ld fashioned discipline but dont think for second if it was legal i wouldnt think bout it sure i would but losing ll you rintesines doesnt appeal to me and im ton macro so i dont get cancer ( i kno wthe smnoking hs to go) banding s supposed to up your vchances for colon cancer as well as other terroble health problems,again this is BULLSHIT. i worked my ss off and m always fucking hingry though ive gotten used to it, bno dr in the world would give me gastric bypass or gastric banding i dont meet the pproval of ny western country , it would be illegal and im[ossible fvor me to find dr to perform this surgery on me.zso thats THAT.Jealous Cynical people who anta cceopt that somneone cn lose alot of weight the old fshioned wy ive exercised mya ss off obv iously not enough in my stomach but xdone tons and tons aof cardio, so enough said on this nonsense jealous cynical lie.good night.

Someone has not been introduced to spellcheck. If you got through all that, then you get a cookie. I made it two sentences in before my brain frooze up and went on strike.

Idiot.

More charges for Joe Francis, the biggest moron ever!

According to DListed: As you all know Joe is in jail for tax evasion and for contempt of court. He was charged yesterday for bribing a jail guard for a glass of water. This douche promised a guard $100 if he would get him some water so he could take his sleeping pills. The guard turned him down and so Joe showed him $500. Jailbirds aren't allowed to have cash. That was a smart move. Guards searched Joe and found 16 prescription medications including Lunesta and lorazepam.

I'm all about more shit against this douche. Keep him in jail. Bring his ass down a notch or two. Literally and figuratively.

Tuesday.

On Tuesday, the new Nine Inch Nails record, Year Zero, comes out. We didn't have to wait five freaking years for the new one!

New album means: TOUR! WOO! COME TO THE STATES!

Birkhead is the Daddy

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like four days late, but hey, I have a life, y'know. Stop laughing. Seroiusly, it wasn't meant to be funny.

Anyways, DNA came back, and Larry Birkhead is the actual daddy to Dannielynn Hope, Anna Nicole's baby. Thank God, because Howard K. Stern is king of creepy. So the phat check goes to the photog. Woo.

Ugh. I'm So Disappointed.

This is Shanna Moakler. Once, she bitch-slapped Parisite Hilton, and I decided Shanna was pure awesome. However, apparently she is back to her human-herpes creep husband, Travis Barker. Don't know where they are or what they're doing, but I lost a little respect for Shanna. Too bad.

This Dude is a Douche.

Seriously, I hate Joe Francis. He's such a dumbass. It's amazing to me how he's masterminded the Girls Gone Wild empire. I wouldn't figure him for being able to mastermind taking a dump. But hey, that's just me.

Anyway, this dumbass is gonna go to jail, which is awesome. He's a pretty boy, he'll make some big scary inmate a hot girlfriend.

He was doing tax evasion, according to The Smoking Gun: According to a two count indictment filed in U.S. District Court in Reno, Nevada, Francis, 34, sought to conceal income through the use of offshore companies and nominees. At one point, he transferred $15 million from one offshore bank account to a California brokerage account in the name of a Cayman Islands corporation he controlled. If convicted of the federal charges, he faces a maximum of 10 years in prison and fines of up to $500,000. Francis was arrested yesterday on an unrelated federal warrant stemming from a civil lawsuit brought against him by seven underage women who were filmed by "Girls Gone Wild" cameramen in Florida in 2003.

Like I said, I hope he looks good in a dress.

Jenna Jameson is Looking Kinda Skinny...

Tito, feed your chick some Xcience or a protein shake or a sandwich or something! Homegirl ain't looking so good...

Rose McGowan is a Homewrecker

So rumors flew around that Rose McGowan had an affair with her director, Robert Rodriguez, while shooting their half of the soon-to-be-masterpiece, Grindhouse. What really happened is yes, there was an affair, but also, shooting had to be shut down for a month when Rodriguez's producing partner and wife of 16 years found out. Whoops.

The production had to shut down for a month while he recovered," Variety reports...." When Elizabeth found out, there was an eruption of emotions - an emotional volcano...In the meantime, Rodriguez and McGowan are keeping an ultra-low profile. "They arrived in the same limo for the L.A. premiere, but they got out separately several minutes apart to avoid being seen together."

Yeah, that solves everything. Staying separate and all.